from the Greek Anthology.
CATHERINE. So it is. It’s a well-known epitaph.
C HARLIE. Let’s hear it.
D APHNE. Translate.
L EONORA. ‘Stranger, tell the Lacedaemonians that we lie here, obedient to their commands.’
MRS. S . A very moving farewell, that one is.
D APHNE. I didn’t know he knew any Greek.
CHARLIE. Suicides never announce their departure. They just go and do it.
L EONORA. I have heard of suicide notes being left.
M RS. S. My brother-in-law left a parting note before he turned on the gas. I’d like to tell you what he wrote — but no, it’s too macabre. I just couldn’t.
CATHERINE. I think this is a hoax.
M RS. S. You should a seen my brother-in-law’s farewell — but no, I couldn‘t repeat it. Sorry, I just couldn’t. Talk about nostalgie de la boue!
CHARLIE. Does young Charlie possess a gun or anything?
D APHNE. Oh no. He doesn’t believe in shooting anything whatsoever.
CHARLIE. No, I suppose that would be unnecessary in his job.
A NNIE. Can young Charlie swim?
D APHNE. Yes, but he wouldn’t if he was trying to drown himself, now would he?
M RS. S. If they don’t know how to go about it, they struggle for life and save themselves at the last minute. But the really experienced suicide cases always attach a weight to themselves and jump in with their boots on.
A NNIE. Don’t you think we should ring the police?
CATHERINE. That’s too drastic. We don’t want our name in the papers just now. Charlie’s appointment still has to be confirmed.
D APHNE. I think you’re a monster.
L EONORA. Perhaps, after all, it’s a hoax.
D APHNE. Don’t listen to her, Leonora — she hasn’t a scrap of natural affection. She ought to see a psychiatrist. I’m going to ring the police. They must drag the canal.
CATHERINE. Very well. I shall ring the police
(Goes out followed by ANNIE) .
D APHNE. How did the victims in the epitaph die, Leonora?
L EONORA. On the field of battle in Thermopylae.
CHARLIE. He evidently sees himself in a very heroic light. Sheer conceit.
M RS. S. You should have heard my brother-in-law’s case. Far more stirring than this. But you couldn’t a heard it. The court was cleared at the inquest for the reading of the note. And you couldn‘t a read it. News of the World wouldn’t touch it. Too hot.
(Lifts YOUNG CHARLIE’s note and holds it up to the light, looking at it for a few seconds.)
Queen’s Velvet.
D APHNE. I told him to disappear out of my life. But I didn’t say out of his.
Enter CATHERINE.
Are the police coming?
CATHERINE. No. I funked it.
D APHNE. I’m going
M RS. S. Hark! There’s something going on. (Goes out on terrace followed by the others.) Here we are. Stand back. (Pushes them all back.) They’ve got the body.
C HARLIE (going out to terrace). What’s going on?
D APHNE. The body! Let me see.
L EONORA. Daphne, sit down and keep quiet.
Enter CHARLIE BROWN, carrying the limp body of YOUNG CHARLIE. Both are dripping wet.
CHARLIE B . I just got him when he was going down the fourth time.
CHARLIE. Someone go and ring the doctor.
CATHERINE. It’s unnecessary to ring the doctor. He’s still breathing.
CHARLIE. My wife’s gone mad. Of course we must have a doctor. Leonora — the number’s on the thing. — The National Health doctor, of course.
LEONORA goes out.
We’ll have to work on him, I suppose.
D APHNE. I know what to do. Stand back, everybody.
C HARLIE B. I don’t know that he hasn‘t gone, Miss.
D APHNE administers first aid to YOUNG CHARLIE, pumping and breathing.
M RS. S. She’ll lose it, if she goes on like that. (Exit.)
CATHERINE. Let me take a hand, Daphne, I know what to do.
D APHNE. You’re not going to touch him.
C HARLIE B. He’s opening his eyes. Not before time.
L EONORA returns, with towels.
C HARLIE. The doctor coming?
L EONORA. No, I funked it. Doctors get aggrieved at night, unless there’s an emergency.
CATHERINE. You are quite right, Leonora.
C HARLIE. This is an emergency. Get off that
CATHERINE. So it is. It’s a well-known epitaph.
C HARLIE. Let’s hear it.
D APHNE. Translate.
L EONORA. ‘Stranger, tell the Lacedaemonians that we lie here, obedient to their commands.’
MRS. S . A very moving farewell, that one is.
D APHNE. I didn’t know he knew any Greek.
CHARLIE. Suicides never announce their departure. They just go and do it.
L EONORA. I have heard of suicide notes being left.
M RS. S. My brother-in-law left a parting note before he turned on the gas. I’d like to tell you what he wrote — but no, it’s too macabre. I just couldn’t.
CATHERINE. I think this is a hoax.
M RS. S. You should a seen my brother-in-law’s farewell — but no, I couldn‘t repeat it. Sorry, I just couldn’t. Talk about nostalgie de la boue!
CHARLIE. Does young Charlie possess a gun or anything?
D APHNE. Oh no. He doesn’t believe in shooting anything whatsoever.
CHARLIE. No, I suppose that would be unnecessary in his job.
A NNIE. Can young Charlie swim?
D APHNE. Yes, but he wouldn’t if he was trying to drown himself, now would he?
M RS. S. If they don’t know how to go about it, they struggle for life and save themselves at the last minute. But the really experienced suicide cases always attach a weight to themselves and jump in with their boots on.
A NNIE. Don’t you think we should ring the police?
CATHERINE. That’s too drastic. We don’t want our name in the papers just now. Charlie’s appointment still has to be confirmed.
D APHNE. I think you’re a monster.
L EONORA. Perhaps, after all, it’s a hoax.
D APHNE. Don’t listen to her, Leonora — she hasn’t a scrap of natural affection. She ought to see a psychiatrist. I’m going to ring the police. They must drag the canal.
CATHERINE. Very well. I shall ring the police
(Goes out followed by ANNIE) .
D APHNE. How did the victims in the epitaph die, Leonora?
L EONORA. On the field of battle in Thermopylae.
CHARLIE. He evidently sees himself in a very heroic light. Sheer conceit.
M RS. S. You should have heard my brother-in-law’s case. Far more stirring than this. But you couldn’t a heard it. The court was cleared at the inquest for the reading of the note. And you couldn‘t a read it. News of the World wouldn’t touch it. Too hot.
(Lifts YOUNG CHARLIE’s note and holds it up to the light, looking at it for a few seconds.)
Queen’s Velvet.
D APHNE. I told him to disappear out of my life. But I didn’t say out of his.
Enter CATHERINE.
Are the police coming?
CATHERINE. No. I funked it.
D APHNE. I’m going
M RS. S. Hark! There’s something going on. (Goes out on terrace followed by the others.) Here we are. Stand back. (Pushes them all back.) They’ve got the body.
C HARLIE (going out to terrace). What’s going on?
D APHNE. The body! Let me see.
L EONORA. Daphne, sit down and keep quiet.
Enter CHARLIE BROWN, carrying the limp body of YOUNG CHARLIE. Both are dripping wet.
CHARLIE B . I just got him when he was going down the fourth time.
CHARLIE. Someone go and ring the doctor.
CATHERINE. It’s unnecessary to ring the doctor. He’s still breathing.
CHARLIE. My wife’s gone mad. Of course we must have a doctor. Leonora — the number’s on the thing. — The National Health doctor, of course.
LEONORA goes out.
We’ll have to work on him, I suppose.
D APHNE. I know what to do. Stand back, everybody.
C HARLIE B. I don’t know that he hasn‘t gone, Miss.
D APHNE administers first aid to YOUNG CHARLIE, pumping and breathing.
M RS. S. She’ll lose it, if she goes on like that. (Exit.)
CATHERINE. Let me take a hand, Daphne, I know what to do.
D APHNE. You’re not going to touch him.
C HARLIE B. He’s opening his eyes. Not before time.
L EONORA returns, with towels.
C HARLIE. The doctor coming?
L EONORA. No, I funked it. Doctors get aggrieved at night, unless there’s an emergency.
CATHERINE. You are quite right, Leonora.
C HARLIE. This is an emergency. Get off that
Similar Books
