could hear. She turned away, lit a cigarette, and looked out the window. “Jake? What would we have done if I had walked out of there today, like I almost did? Like I should have.”
Bingo
. Now he could finally get to work on her. “Well, for one thing, I wouldn’t have had to finish this goddamn screenplay.”
She laughed, not wanting to, and he saw that he had her back. She had lost that crazy pensive look of a moment ago. “Listen,” he went on, “we would have done whatever we had to, darling, whatever would have been necessary. I sold newspaper advertising in college, and shoes, and I worked in a butcher shop. I pulled a rickshaw at the World’s Fair. I could do any of those things again. If it weren’t for my bursitis, I’d make a hell of a caddy over at the club.”
He drew her back down beside him, enfolding her again in his arms. “But the point is, sweetheart, you didn’t walk out. You stuck it out, and Christ knows you must have hated every minute of it. I understand that, darling, and I know the only reason you did it is because of me and the kids. So be very clear about this: I would have loved you just as much and just as forever as I love you now if you had walked out of there. And I would have admired you and been amazed at your courage. As I am now. And we would have made it somehow. I’m a reasonably healthy man in the prime of life, and I would have done what I’ve always done—namely, provide for you and the kids. We would have made it. But because you went through that ring of fire today, we
do
have a choice. And if you think you can’t stand the thought of living in this town and in this industry another minute, I’ll quit. I’ll walk away. We’ll move to Europe. Or Mexico. Or—”
“Jake, you’re so full of sh-sh-sh-shit,” she said.
He laughed, and then fell silent, waiting for a sign that would tell him whether he was succeeding. Tears wouldn’t have surprised him, but she didn’t cry. Was it over yet, or was she going to put on a hair shirt for the rest of her life? He had to cauterize her misgivings and doubts—and
right now
—or they would infect everything.
He reached over, stroking her arm lightly. “Maybe we are being a little selfish about this, but we have kids to raise—and we’re not escaping to Europe and pretending we’re too good for this town. So you went in there and named names. So what? You didn’t do it because you wanted to, honey. You did what you had to do, hating it, as any decent person would, but now it’s over, and I can make pictures and give you and the kids everything you need. We’re not going to pretend you didn’t testify, but we’re not going to hang a scarlet
T
around your neck, either. You had a chance to fuck it all up, everything we have together, the kids’ futures, my work, and all in the name of a bunch of abstractions you don’t believe in anymore, but you didn’t. So don’t fuck it up with endless guilt, darling, please.”
“Hush, Jake,” she said. “Stop the filibuster. I can’t l-l-l-listen anymore.”
Soon it would be time for dinner. Gussie would probably send up one of the kids to knock on their door. She was relaxed, finally. Her breathing slowed and she slipped into a half sleep. Jake had stopped talking, but only for a moment, and as he felt her drifting off he whispered: “Don’t you imagine for one second that I’m telling you I love you because of what you did for me today. I’ve always loved you. I’m not so good at all that romantic stuff—I know I could do a lot better in that department. But the girl I love is the girl who had it in her to go and face those guys. I know that girl, and I’ve loved her ever since I met her.”
She raised her head and, opening one eye, gave him a skeptical look. “Oh yeah? If that’s so, why’d I have to tell you ‘marry me or we’re through’? Huh? Just answer that one, b-b-b-buster.”
“I plead the Fifth.” He watched her for a moment,
Bingo
. Now he could finally get to work on her. “Well, for one thing, I wouldn’t have had to finish this goddamn screenplay.”
She laughed, not wanting to, and he saw that he had her back. She had lost that crazy pensive look of a moment ago. “Listen,” he went on, “we would have done whatever we had to, darling, whatever would have been necessary. I sold newspaper advertising in college, and shoes, and I worked in a butcher shop. I pulled a rickshaw at the World’s Fair. I could do any of those things again. If it weren’t for my bursitis, I’d make a hell of a caddy over at the club.”
He drew her back down beside him, enfolding her again in his arms. “But the point is, sweetheart, you didn’t walk out. You stuck it out, and Christ knows you must have hated every minute of it. I understand that, darling, and I know the only reason you did it is because of me and the kids. So be very clear about this: I would have loved you just as much and just as forever as I love you now if you had walked out of there. And I would have admired you and been amazed at your courage. As I am now. And we would have made it somehow. I’m a reasonably healthy man in the prime of life, and I would have done what I’ve always done—namely, provide for you and the kids. We would have made it. But because you went through that ring of fire today, we
do
have a choice. And if you think you can’t stand the thought of living in this town and in this industry another minute, I’ll quit. I’ll walk away. We’ll move to Europe. Or Mexico. Or—”
“Jake, you’re so full of sh-sh-sh-shit,” she said.
He laughed, and then fell silent, waiting for a sign that would tell him whether he was succeeding. Tears wouldn’t have surprised him, but she didn’t cry. Was it over yet, or was she going to put on a hair shirt for the rest of her life? He had to cauterize her misgivings and doubts—and
right now
—or they would infect everything.
He reached over, stroking her arm lightly. “Maybe we are being a little selfish about this, but we have kids to raise—and we’re not escaping to Europe and pretending we’re too good for this town. So you went in there and named names. So what? You didn’t do it because you wanted to, honey. You did what you had to do, hating it, as any decent person would, but now it’s over, and I can make pictures and give you and the kids everything you need. We’re not going to pretend you didn’t testify, but we’re not going to hang a scarlet
T
around your neck, either. You had a chance to fuck it all up, everything we have together, the kids’ futures, my work, and all in the name of a bunch of abstractions you don’t believe in anymore, but you didn’t. So don’t fuck it up with endless guilt, darling, please.”
“Hush, Jake,” she said. “Stop the filibuster. I can’t l-l-l-listen anymore.”
Soon it would be time for dinner. Gussie would probably send up one of the kids to knock on their door. She was relaxed, finally. Her breathing slowed and she slipped into a half sleep. Jake had stopped talking, but only for a moment, and as he felt her drifting off he whispered: “Don’t you imagine for one second that I’m telling you I love you because of what you did for me today. I’ve always loved you. I’m not so good at all that romantic stuff—I know I could do a lot better in that department. But the girl I love is the girl who had it in her to go and face those guys. I know that girl, and I’ve loved her ever since I met her.”
She raised her head and, opening one eye, gave him a skeptical look. “Oh yeah? If that’s so, why’d I have to tell you ‘marry me or we’re through’? Huh? Just answer that one, b-b-b-buster.”
“I plead the Fifth.” He watched her for a moment,
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