So then you don’t want to share any information with him, but that makes him even more insecure and controlling. Or suppose you have a boss who undervalues and mistrusts his employees. In turn, his employees steal from him, half-ass their jobs, or quit—because they have no loyalty to such a person and feel that turnabout is fair play. Or suppose you have an ultra-needy friend who never knows when to stop talking or when to leave. People avoid her like the plague, making her feel more alone and thus more needy. I’ve seen people running on the treadmill who say “I can’t,” then get so panicked and unfocused, they trip and injure themselves, creating a scenario where they literally can’t.
We create what we fear. On some level I think we do it on purpose. We manifest our fears because they hold our deepest life lessons. And if we don’t realize this, then we will never arrive at a place of triumph where we are able to beat our fears. This can significantly affect the quality of our lives.
Here’s a fear I struggle with: I can be kind of high-strung sometimes, especially when it comes to work. One of my big anxiety triggers is feeling out of the loop—it brings up major issues about control and trust for me. But in the past, when my business partner would fill me in to put me in the loop, I would stress out aboutevery little thing. So he stopped filling me in on the day-to-day stuff so I wouldn’t freak out on him. But knowing he was keeping me out of the loop on purpose just made me more freaked out. It was a whole crazy cycle. So we made a deal: he would tell me everything, but the second I started to freak out, he’d stop. Now he will point out my behavior, remind me of our arrangement, and literally give me a time-out. I will take five minutes, do some deep breathing, get my anxiety in check, and then come back to the conversation with a level head. By implementing this arrangement, I took responsibility for the fact that my anxiety can get in my way, then put a game plan in place to control my anxiety, maintain focus, and power through. Get it?
Part of our work is to learn to look at the bigger lesson. I learned from this episode that I need to work on trusting people and releasing some amount of control. If I could do that, I’d get much more done in a day, and it would probably add years to my life.
Have you noticed that most things you are afraid of come to pass? If you fear being alone, are you perpetually single? If you fear being overweight, do you find it impossible to stop overeating? If you are afraid of being broke, do you find yourself constantly struggling to make ends meet? This exercise is meant to show you that your behavior is at the root of all self-fulfilling prophecies. There is no magic to the way things manifest in life. Ninety-nine percent of the time it’s our conduct and our actions that create our circumstances. It’s not bad luck or serendipity—all these things are a direct result of our attitude and thought processes.
NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF
One of my Biggest Loser contestants was terrified of getting hurt by his fiancée. All through his childhood his father told him neverto trust women. (His father had undergone a terrible divorce.) Well, his warnings had a major impact on this contestant. He fell in love with a lovely woman but became panicked she would betray or hurt him. He might have expressed his feelings to her about his fears and insecurities; she could have reassured him, and they could have worked through his issues together. Instead he reacted unconsciously and began sabotaging the relationship. He acted as if he were indifferent to her and withdrew emotionally, so he would not get too invested in her and would be shielded from heartbreak if she ever did leave. Ultimately, his behavior created the very thing he feared the most: she left him. He was and still is devastated.
Here’s another story for you. Lisa was a contestant on the Biggest Loser
We create what we fear. On some level I think we do it on purpose. We manifest our fears because they hold our deepest life lessons. And if we don’t realize this, then we will never arrive at a place of triumph where we are able to beat our fears. This can significantly affect the quality of our lives.
Here’s a fear I struggle with: I can be kind of high-strung sometimes, especially when it comes to work. One of my big anxiety triggers is feeling out of the loop—it brings up major issues about control and trust for me. But in the past, when my business partner would fill me in to put me in the loop, I would stress out aboutevery little thing. So he stopped filling me in on the day-to-day stuff so I wouldn’t freak out on him. But knowing he was keeping me out of the loop on purpose just made me more freaked out. It was a whole crazy cycle. So we made a deal: he would tell me everything, but the second I started to freak out, he’d stop. Now he will point out my behavior, remind me of our arrangement, and literally give me a time-out. I will take five minutes, do some deep breathing, get my anxiety in check, and then come back to the conversation with a level head. By implementing this arrangement, I took responsibility for the fact that my anxiety can get in my way, then put a game plan in place to control my anxiety, maintain focus, and power through. Get it?
Part of our work is to learn to look at the bigger lesson. I learned from this episode that I need to work on trusting people and releasing some amount of control. If I could do that, I’d get much more done in a day, and it would probably add years to my life.
Have you noticed that most things you are afraid of come to pass? If you fear being alone, are you perpetually single? If you fear being overweight, do you find it impossible to stop overeating? If you are afraid of being broke, do you find yourself constantly struggling to make ends meet? This exercise is meant to show you that your behavior is at the root of all self-fulfilling prophecies. There is no magic to the way things manifest in life. Ninety-nine percent of the time it’s our conduct and our actions that create our circumstances. It’s not bad luck or serendipity—all these things are a direct result of our attitude and thought processes.
NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF
One of my Biggest Loser contestants was terrified of getting hurt by his fiancée. All through his childhood his father told him neverto trust women. (His father had undergone a terrible divorce.) Well, his warnings had a major impact on this contestant. He fell in love with a lovely woman but became panicked she would betray or hurt him. He might have expressed his feelings to her about his fears and insecurities; she could have reassured him, and they could have worked through his issues together. Instead he reacted unconsciously and began sabotaging the relationship. He acted as if he were indifferent to her and withdrew emotionally, so he would not get too invested in her and would be shielded from heartbreak if she ever did leave. Ultimately, his behavior created the very thing he feared the most: she left him. He was and still is devastated.
Here’s another story for you. Lisa was a contestant on the Biggest Loser
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