the smell when I threw it away. My mother had changed the bedding but must have forgotten to check under the bed. I wondered which of her friends had been in it.
The realization of why I was being sent away enraged me. If the holiday had helped me, it had not changed anything, or how my mother really felt about me. I was, I began to understand, an inconvenience to her and her way of life, something that could be farmed out to relatives when it suited her.
19
When the bell announcing that school had finished for the day rang on Friday, the sounds were always different from other days. There was the excited chatter of children who had the weekend free. As they scampered to the gates, they shouted plans of what they were going to do and made arrangements to meet up with best friends. I walked slowly across the playground. I was in no hurry to go home and hear my mother greet my uncle before turning to me with one of her bright smiles as she said goodbye.
He was waiting for me as I walked through the school gates. ‘I couldn’t wait to see you, Jackie,’ he said, as he leant over and opened the car door.
He offered his cheek and I gave it a peck. A chaste kiss between uncle and niece in a public place that could not have offended even the most prudish observer. ‘How well you’re looking,’ he exclaimed, and gradually, as it always did, his charm began to cast a spell over me. It was not the spell of love or even admiration, but the spell of need. My need to have someone in my life who said I was the most important person in theirs.
We went back to my house where I picked up my already packed case and listened to my mother telling me to be good. Every time the car slowed, my body clenched – I was frightened that he would turn off towards one of his friends’ houses. But to my overwhelming relief we just went straight back to his.
That weekend he played the part of caring uncle and took me out for the day to the closest northern city, with its large shops and restaurants. ‘Is there anything you would like?’ he asked, when we went round one of the department stores.
Unable to think of anything I needed, I shrugged. Undeterred by my seeming indifference, he chose something I really did want: a Walkman. I had seen the portable cassette player complete with earphones advertised in the paper and in magazines, sported by attractive young adults and teenagers. The thought of owning one was exciting but still I maintained the ‘cool’ demeanour I had learnt from Kat.
‘You can take it out with you when you go cycling,’ he told me. ‘Just don’t wear it when you’re on the road. You won’t be able to hear the traffic if it’s loud.’ Promising him I wouldn’t, I took hold of my latest present.
Our next stop was a music shop where he allowed me to wander around the aisles and choose whatever I wanted. He said there was no point in having a player without the cassettes. Kat had mentioned a couple of singers she liked so, not knowing much about pop, I chose cassettes by them. Finally, we ended up at one of the new hamburger bars – McDonald’s – where, perched on a red plastic stool, I happily consumed a large hamburger with chips and a creamy strawberry milk shake. Then we went back to his house to spend an evening in front of the television with my aunt.
For the rest of that weekend he never referred to his previous actions and just talked about Spain, what I had seen and done there.
It was on the drive home on the Sunday evening that he told me he and my aunt were taking a two-week holiday. ‘We have ours at the end of the summer, once the schools have gone back. It’s quieter then,’ he said.
Somehow, although he hadn’t touched me and had said nothing about what had taken place before, I was not lulled into feeling safe. Instead, over the time he was away, I felt apprehensive. Even then, I instinctively knew that he had no intention of stopping. I wondered what he had in store for me.
But
The realization of why I was being sent away enraged me. If the holiday had helped me, it had not changed anything, or how my mother really felt about me. I was, I began to understand, an inconvenience to her and her way of life, something that could be farmed out to relatives when it suited her.
19
When the bell announcing that school had finished for the day rang on Friday, the sounds were always different from other days. There was the excited chatter of children who had the weekend free. As they scampered to the gates, they shouted plans of what they were going to do and made arrangements to meet up with best friends. I walked slowly across the playground. I was in no hurry to go home and hear my mother greet my uncle before turning to me with one of her bright smiles as she said goodbye.
He was waiting for me as I walked through the school gates. ‘I couldn’t wait to see you, Jackie,’ he said, as he leant over and opened the car door.
He offered his cheek and I gave it a peck. A chaste kiss between uncle and niece in a public place that could not have offended even the most prudish observer. ‘How well you’re looking,’ he exclaimed, and gradually, as it always did, his charm began to cast a spell over me. It was not the spell of love or even admiration, but the spell of need. My need to have someone in my life who said I was the most important person in theirs.
We went back to my house where I picked up my already packed case and listened to my mother telling me to be good. Every time the car slowed, my body clenched – I was frightened that he would turn off towards one of his friends’ houses. But to my overwhelming relief we just went straight back to his.
That weekend he played the part of caring uncle and took me out for the day to the closest northern city, with its large shops and restaurants. ‘Is there anything you would like?’ he asked, when we went round one of the department stores.
Unable to think of anything I needed, I shrugged. Undeterred by my seeming indifference, he chose something I really did want: a Walkman. I had seen the portable cassette player complete with earphones advertised in the paper and in magazines, sported by attractive young adults and teenagers. The thought of owning one was exciting but still I maintained the ‘cool’ demeanour I had learnt from Kat.
‘You can take it out with you when you go cycling,’ he told me. ‘Just don’t wear it when you’re on the road. You won’t be able to hear the traffic if it’s loud.’ Promising him I wouldn’t, I took hold of my latest present.
Our next stop was a music shop where he allowed me to wander around the aisles and choose whatever I wanted. He said there was no point in having a player without the cassettes. Kat had mentioned a couple of singers she liked so, not knowing much about pop, I chose cassettes by them. Finally, we ended up at one of the new hamburger bars – McDonald’s – where, perched on a red plastic stool, I happily consumed a large hamburger with chips and a creamy strawberry milk shake. Then we went back to his house to spend an evening in front of the television with my aunt.
For the rest of that weekend he never referred to his previous actions and just talked about Spain, what I had seen and done there.
It was on the drive home on the Sunday evening that he told me he and my aunt were taking a two-week holiday. ‘We have ours at the end of the summer, once the schools have gone back. It’s quieter then,’ he said.
Somehow, although he hadn’t touched me and had said nothing about what had taken place before, I was not lulled into feeling safe. Instead, over the time he was away, I felt apprehensive. Even then, I instinctively knew that he had no intention of stopping. I wondered what he had in store for me.
But
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