Salivating Hyena Little Bush. Sources tell Voice of the Caliphate that the coffee was laced with a powerful hallucinogenic drug of the type used on soldiers of the true faith by CIA and Mossad interrogators at Abu Ghraib.
“And, from Guantánamo today, still another report that Muslim prisoners there are being subjected to barbaric tortures. The report, due out tomorrow from Martyrs Without Borders, the respected humanitarian agency, says these include being made to listen to ‘Purimspiel’ klezmer music twenty-four hours a day and being forced to watch the Barbra Streisand movie Yentl while immersed up to the neck in chicken soup. Several prisoners have reportedly beheaded themselves rather than endure more of these unspeakable horrors.
“Coming up next, medical news: Could living in damp tunnels for long periods of time be affecting your sex life? We’ll have a report from our medical correspondent, deep inside Tora Bora. And a report on farewell videos—is the camera you’re using to record your teenage suicide bomber’s final good-bye getting the full picture? We’ll have that, and our Martyr of the Week, when we return.”
— The New Yorker , October 2005
A SHORT HISTORY OF THE BILLIONAIRE
MARDUK-BEL-BABUKK
Babylon, 602 B.C. 1.2 million gold and silver pieces. Contracting. Fourteen wives, eighty-five children.
Parlayed a modest mud-and-wattle business into Babylon’s premier contracting operation. One of his wives’ cousins was a bridesmaid of Amytis of Media, wife of Nebuchadrezzar II. After Amytis grew homesick for her native mountain springs, Marduk cannily proposed she persuade her husband to build “drop-dead gardens around the palace.” Result: the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, one of the Seven Wonders of the ancient world. Nebuchadrezzar reportedly flew into a rage when Marduk presented his final bill but eventually was mollified after feeding several hundred of Marduk’s workers to his pet lions. Hobbies: making palm wine, astrology, avoiding Nebuchadrezzar at public receptions.
EFTIMIOS PANAKOUSATIS
Piraeus, 481 B.C. 4 million to 6 million glaukai (tetradrachmae). Delphic banking, yogurt. Divorced from popular Athens cabaret singer Calypso Atalanta. Three children.
Started with two goats, one of which he had to eat during the harsh Corinthian winter of ’02. In his early twenties traveled to Delphi near Mount Parnassus to seek career advice from the Oracle there. Noticed that people left thanksgiving offerings for the Oracle; reportedly struck a deal with the Oracle whereby he would keep 60 percent of the offerings while the Oracle got Larry Ellison as CEO. Amassed vast real estate holdings around Mount Parnassus, where multiple “oracles” soon sprang up, advising supplicants to leave even more offerings. Scored major points with the Greek archon Themistocles when he loaned the Athenian government his yacht Calypso —renamed Anna Nicola after a messy divorce from his singer wife—for the Battle of Salamis. Following the naval victory, he demanded the government refit the vessel with a spa, pool, and wet bar.
CASSIUS BINOCULARIUS ANTHRAX
Capri, 3 B.C. 90 million aureii. Off-circus betting, slave trading.
Nickname “Buddy” bestowed on him by Emperor Tiberius during a three-day Lupercal drinking binge. Said to have fixed the 1 B.C. chariot race at the Circus Maximus between Ben Hur and his rival Messala. Pocketed enormous winnings after Messala (favored 50–1) was trampled under Ben Hur’s chariot. Parlayed windfall into franchise betting operations in Parthia, Dacia, Iberia, and Germania, using a highly controversial system of reporting Roman chariot race results. Forced to shut down Germania operations after tribes torched his betting shops (with the concessionaires inside) following years of consistent losing. Bounced back; established a slave-trading network (Jeevus Dottus Commus) that kept patrician homes from Rome to the Amalfi Coast supplied with prized Britannic
“And, from Guantánamo today, still another report that Muslim prisoners there are being subjected to barbaric tortures. The report, due out tomorrow from Martyrs Without Borders, the respected humanitarian agency, says these include being made to listen to ‘Purimspiel’ klezmer music twenty-four hours a day and being forced to watch the Barbra Streisand movie Yentl while immersed up to the neck in chicken soup. Several prisoners have reportedly beheaded themselves rather than endure more of these unspeakable horrors.
“Coming up next, medical news: Could living in damp tunnels for long periods of time be affecting your sex life? We’ll have a report from our medical correspondent, deep inside Tora Bora. And a report on farewell videos—is the camera you’re using to record your teenage suicide bomber’s final good-bye getting the full picture? We’ll have that, and our Martyr of the Week, when we return.”
— The New Yorker , October 2005
A SHORT HISTORY OF THE BILLIONAIRE
MARDUK-BEL-BABUKK
Babylon, 602 B.C. 1.2 million gold and silver pieces. Contracting. Fourteen wives, eighty-five children.
Parlayed a modest mud-and-wattle business into Babylon’s premier contracting operation. One of his wives’ cousins was a bridesmaid of Amytis of Media, wife of Nebuchadrezzar II. After Amytis grew homesick for her native mountain springs, Marduk cannily proposed she persuade her husband to build “drop-dead gardens around the palace.” Result: the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, one of the Seven Wonders of the ancient world. Nebuchadrezzar reportedly flew into a rage when Marduk presented his final bill but eventually was mollified after feeding several hundred of Marduk’s workers to his pet lions. Hobbies: making palm wine, astrology, avoiding Nebuchadrezzar at public receptions.
EFTIMIOS PANAKOUSATIS
Piraeus, 481 B.C. 4 million to 6 million glaukai (tetradrachmae). Delphic banking, yogurt. Divorced from popular Athens cabaret singer Calypso Atalanta. Three children.
Started with two goats, one of which he had to eat during the harsh Corinthian winter of ’02. In his early twenties traveled to Delphi near Mount Parnassus to seek career advice from the Oracle there. Noticed that people left thanksgiving offerings for the Oracle; reportedly struck a deal with the Oracle whereby he would keep 60 percent of the offerings while the Oracle got Larry Ellison as CEO. Amassed vast real estate holdings around Mount Parnassus, where multiple “oracles” soon sprang up, advising supplicants to leave even more offerings. Scored major points with the Greek archon Themistocles when he loaned the Athenian government his yacht Calypso —renamed Anna Nicola after a messy divorce from his singer wife—for the Battle of Salamis. Following the naval victory, he demanded the government refit the vessel with a spa, pool, and wet bar.
CASSIUS BINOCULARIUS ANTHRAX
Capri, 3 B.C. 90 million aureii. Off-circus betting, slave trading.
Nickname “Buddy” bestowed on him by Emperor Tiberius during a three-day Lupercal drinking binge. Said to have fixed the 1 B.C. chariot race at the Circus Maximus between Ben Hur and his rival Messala. Pocketed enormous winnings after Messala (favored 50–1) was trampled under Ben Hur’s chariot. Parlayed windfall into franchise betting operations in Parthia, Dacia, Iberia, and Germania, using a highly controversial system of reporting Roman chariot race results. Forced to shut down Germania operations after tribes torched his betting shops (with the concessionaires inside) following years of consistent losing. Bounced back; established a slave-trading network (Jeevus Dottus Commus) that kept patrician homes from Rome to the Amalfi Coast supplied with prized Britannic
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