Battle of the Dum Diddys by R.L. Stine

Chapter 2
“I’LL BITE YOUR THROAT!”
    â€œBernie…” he said again.
    I still didn’t like the way he said it.
    â€œYou’re looking great, sir,” I said. “Are you growing taller? You look very tall today. Oh. You’re sitting on a phone book, aren’t you? Very clever, sir.”
    â€œBernie—” he said.
    â€œMr. Upchuck, I can explain about that Go Fish game,” I said. “We weren’t really playing for money. I know there was a lot of money there. But we were just using it to steady the table. You see, the card table was very wobbly. And we used the money to—”
    â€œBernie—” he interrupted. His face turned as red as a ruby grapefruit. He actually looks a lot like a grapefruit. With eyes.
    â€œSir, I swear I didn’t cheat on the eye exam,” I said. “Someone gave me the sheet of paper with the letters on it. But I never read it. Really. I—”
    He sighed. “Bernie—” he said.
    â€œYou are looking awesome today,” I said. “Is that a shadow on your forehead? No. I think you’re starting to grow eyebrows!”
    â€œBernie,” he said through gritted teeth. “Shut your piehole.”
    â€œYes, sir,” I said, giving him a sharp, two-fingered salute. “Anything you say, sir. That’s the Bernie Bridges motto. Anything the Headmaster says is gold. Gold! ”
    The Headmaster let out a sharp growl. “Say one more word, Bernie, and I’ll bite your throat.”
    I laughed. “Funny, sir,” I said. “I love your sense of humor. We all do. It’s what makes you so special to us. You inspire us, sir. You really do. We think a new library should be built in your honor, sir. The Upchuck Library. It has a nice ring to it—doesn’t it?”
    Â 
    â€œGrrrrrrrrr!”
    I’d never heard a sound like that from the Headmaster before.

    He roared. Reached out his pudgy hands, ready to strangle me. And leaped over his desk.
    I don’t know why he wanted to attack. I was being so nice to him. But I really think The Big Man wanted to bite my throat.
    Luckily, the phone rang.
    A very exciting and frightening phone call.
    But I can’t tell you everything in one chapter—can I? Keep reading….

Chapter 3
THE END OF ROTTEN SCHOOL?
    Headmaster Upchuck slid back into his chair and raised the phone to his ear. “Upchuck here,” he said.
    His little hamster eyes narrowed to slits. “Uh-huh,” he muttered as he listened. “Uh-huh.”
    He waved me away. “Bernie, go sit out in the hall,” he said. “I’ll get to you in a minute. This is an important call.”
    I saluted again and walked out of the office. But I didn’t go sit in the hall. I hunched behind the office door. How else could I listen in on the important phone call?

    I wasn’t snooping. I was doing my job. The other guys count on me to know everything that’s going on.
    So I held my breath and pressed my ear to the door.
    â€œI see. I see,” The Upchuck kept repeating.
    Peeking through the door opening, I could see a worried expression on his face. If he had eyebrows, they’d be all scrunched up.
    â€œThe Board of Inspectors is coming?” Upchuck said into the phone. “When? In one week?” He nodded his head. “Yes, I understand. Everything must be running smoothly. Yes. If Rotten School isn’t up to their standards,the school will be shut down.”
    I gasped.
    Shut down Rotten School? Impossible!
    â€œDo you think we might have more than one week to prepare?” Upchuck asked. “Maybe a year or two?”
    He sighed. “I see. Yes, I understand. One week. If the inspectors file a bad report, the school will be closed forever.”
    I gasped again. This was kinda serious. I mean, you probably go home after school every day. But our school is a boarding school. That means we live here. We