mindlessly start to move on their own accord. My mind goes blank. My body goes numb. I don’t know what’s in this envelope, but I do know that I don’t want to open it. I want to pause this moment, freeze time. If I open this, I know that I’ll never be able to undo it. I step over to the foot of the unmade bed and turn to have a seat, placing the unassuming looking envelope next to me.
I stare at the wall. I have very few options here. My curiosity is starting to get the better of me and I know I won’t be able to resist the contents within that seal for long.
I grab for the paper and tear open the flap, tossing the wasted envelope aside. There are three handwritten pages inside. I take a deep breath. I read the note.
Baby,
I remember the first time I laid eyes on you. It was the day you were born. Your brother was staying at my house while your parents were at the hospital, and when it was time, we brought Tiny there to meet you. I was so jealous of you that day. I watched as he got to hold you and kissed you on the cheek. I was a punk ass little kid and hated you a little then. I thought you were stealing my best friend away from me. You and Tiny would always have each other and I would always be the third wheel. I convinced myself that you would be nothing but trouble. Well... I was kind of right on that one.
One night when Tiny and I were having a sleepover at your house, you couldn’t have been more than 2. Your mom and pop were at it again, fighting up a storm. You were crying in your crib. Tiny went to go try and get your mom and I stayed with you. You were scaring the shit out of me right then. I didn’t know if you were hurt, hungry, scared. You wouldn’t stop crying.
I sat down on the floor and stuck my hand in between the bars. You latched on and finally stopped crying. You just kept looking at me. I tried to let go, and you started to cry again. So I just sat there for a long time with my hand stuck in the crib. Eventually, you fell asleep. I could have taken my hand back, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I wanted you to know that someone was there.
Something changed. You weren’t just Tiny’s to take care of and protect anymore. You were mine, too. I remember the first time I knew I loved you. I remember the first time I kissed you. I remember the first time I made love to you, and I remember the time you broke my heart.
But, I also remember you coming back to me, and I will always remember my vows to you. Just like all those years ago when you were a crying little kid, I vowed to protect you. That’s what I’m doing now. I know you wont understand this. Hell, you’ll probably get so damn mad and hate me for a little bit. But I will never let anything happen to you or our baby. You know that about me. You know there’s nothing that’s gonna change that.
I am writing this letter because I can’t tell you this in person. I’m only so strong, Lil’s, and I don’t think I’d be able to do what needed to be done if I had to watch the hurt in your eyes when I told you. This is one time I can’t chance being weak.
I’ve turned myself in, and confessed to murdering Shade. We’ve done everything possible to try and find another way around this, to stall them from going after you. But, I don’t know what else to do at this point. I will not risk you being caught up in this, will not risk you being taken away. The thought of you and my baby in a jail cell is something I cannot live with.
The club is still working on figuring things out, trying to get to the bottom of it... they’ll get me out of here. But until then, I’ll know your safe. If the worst happens, and I’m in here for good, we’ll cross that bridge if we have to. Just know that everything’s been taken care of.
The house has already been turned over in your name. All of my accounts have been transferred to you, and all of my shares of club business will be given to you. You’ll always be taken care of. The baby
I stare at the wall. I have very few options here. My curiosity is starting to get the better of me and I know I won’t be able to resist the contents within that seal for long.
I grab for the paper and tear open the flap, tossing the wasted envelope aside. There are three handwritten pages inside. I take a deep breath. I read the note.
Baby,
I remember the first time I laid eyes on you. It was the day you were born. Your brother was staying at my house while your parents were at the hospital, and when it was time, we brought Tiny there to meet you. I was so jealous of you that day. I watched as he got to hold you and kissed you on the cheek. I was a punk ass little kid and hated you a little then. I thought you were stealing my best friend away from me. You and Tiny would always have each other and I would always be the third wheel. I convinced myself that you would be nothing but trouble. Well... I was kind of right on that one.
One night when Tiny and I were having a sleepover at your house, you couldn’t have been more than 2. Your mom and pop were at it again, fighting up a storm. You were crying in your crib. Tiny went to go try and get your mom and I stayed with you. You were scaring the shit out of me right then. I didn’t know if you were hurt, hungry, scared. You wouldn’t stop crying.
I sat down on the floor and stuck my hand in between the bars. You latched on and finally stopped crying. You just kept looking at me. I tried to let go, and you started to cry again. So I just sat there for a long time with my hand stuck in the crib. Eventually, you fell asleep. I could have taken my hand back, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I wanted you to know that someone was there.
Something changed. You weren’t just Tiny’s to take care of and protect anymore. You were mine, too. I remember the first time I knew I loved you. I remember the first time I kissed you. I remember the first time I made love to you, and I remember the time you broke my heart.
But, I also remember you coming back to me, and I will always remember my vows to you. Just like all those years ago when you were a crying little kid, I vowed to protect you. That’s what I’m doing now. I know you wont understand this. Hell, you’ll probably get so damn mad and hate me for a little bit. But I will never let anything happen to you or our baby. You know that about me. You know there’s nothing that’s gonna change that.
I am writing this letter because I can’t tell you this in person. I’m only so strong, Lil’s, and I don’t think I’d be able to do what needed to be done if I had to watch the hurt in your eyes when I told you. This is one time I can’t chance being weak.
I’ve turned myself in, and confessed to murdering Shade. We’ve done everything possible to try and find another way around this, to stall them from going after you. But, I don’t know what else to do at this point. I will not risk you being caught up in this, will not risk you being taken away. The thought of you and my baby in a jail cell is something I cannot live with.
The club is still working on figuring things out, trying to get to the bottom of it... they’ll get me out of here. But until then, I’ll know your safe. If the worst happens, and I’m in here for good, we’ll cross that bridge if we have to. Just know that everything’s been taken care of.
The house has already been turned over in your name. All of my accounts have been transferred to you, and all of my shares of club business will be given to you. You’ll always be taken care of. The baby
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