time after that. It might well take several episodes of you carrying out the consequence for her to understand that you mean it. And she will probably never stop trying to push the boundaries. She might sneak in a tiny, mild, criticism of Gerry, maybe, looking at you slyly to see how you react. And if you let that one go, she’ll come in with a slightly worse one. Pushing her luck, in other words. You will have to be very clear on how tightly you enforce the boundaries, and then do that. This is exhausting. There is no denying that. But you have no options other than to do it, or to go back to how you were.
She will resist the boundaries another way too, by complaining about them. She might say (tearfully, or crossly), things like, “You’ve changed! You’re always angry. Why can’t you be the lovely daughter you used to be”. It can be hard to resist this, but remember she’s just a toddler protesting about not getting her own way.
You can respond to these statements in the same light way recommended above, ignoring the wobbly lip or the snarl she might be showing. ‘I haven’t changed a bit, Mum. Oh, look at the lovely daffodils’.
LC is hard to maintain. Going to see her that once-weekly (or however often you’ve decided upon) is still hard. It opens the wounds each time. She’ll no doubt get a dig in every time. You are constantly manning the boundaries. It’s not easy. But then, nothing with a narcissistic mother is easy. They are masters at creating no-win situations.
One thing to remember, however, is this mantra:
‘If one of us has to be upset, it doesn't have to be me.’
Now, of course, in an ideal world, populated with healthy people, we would work on the situation and come up with a win-win solution in which neither of us is upset.
But as you well know, that ideal situation does not ever apply when we're dealing with narcissists. Or even other dysfunctional people.
And so a situation is created in which one of you does have to be upset. Either she gets her way and then you’ll be upset. Or you get your way and then she’ll be upset.
So, this is a situation in which the first half of the mantra applies, i.e. that one of you has to be upset.
But ... it doesn't have to be you!
This is revolutionary. At least, it was for me when I first realised it. You mean, I could just let her be upset at not getting her own way?
For sure, I didn't want her upset. It wasn't nice when she was upset. But at the end of the day, I still had a choice. Either she could be upset, or I could. And it didn't have to be me. Especially since she was the one creating the situation in which one of us had to be upset. If it were up to me I’d go for the win-win situation every time. Not my fault that wasn’t possible.
Now, it's possible that you will feel an inordinate fear of her, and be terrified of upsetting her her. Totally natural, given your upbringing. But you can erase that fear, and see her posturing as just the tantrums of a toddler. (This of course, does not apply if she's genuinely violent or otherwise dangerous. But if she is those things, she probably isn't narcissistic alone.)
You can use EFT to erase this fear, and there’s a script below to help you and allow you to do that.
And remember, if one of you has to be upset, it doesn't have to be you!
Going No Contact
Going No Contact, or NC, is a big decision. Be in no doubt about that. It means to cut off all contact with your narcissistic mother, and possibly other family members too, by default, as we shall explore later.
This is such a big, complex, difficult step. Many DONMs genuinely do love their mothers, and it seems impossible to cut those ties. And even for those of us, like me, who never ever loved her, it’s still a huge step. Everything in our culture screams at us that you must stay in contact with your mother. It’s ironic because no one nowadays would ever tell you to stay with an abusive spouse (and it’s hard to remember, but
She will resist the boundaries another way too, by complaining about them. She might say (tearfully, or crossly), things like, “You’ve changed! You’re always angry. Why can’t you be the lovely daughter you used to be”. It can be hard to resist this, but remember she’s just a toddler protesting about not getting her own way.
You can respond to these statements in the same light way recommended above, ignoring the wobbly lip or the snarl she might be showing. ‘I haven’t changed a bit, Mum. Oh, look at the lovely daffodils’.
LC is hard to maintain. Going to see her that once-weekly (or however often you’ve decided upon) is still hard. It opens the wounds each time. She’ll no doubt get a dig in every time. You are constantly manning the boundaries. It’s not easy. But then, nothing with a narcissistic mother is easy. They are masters at creating no-win situations.
One thing to remember, however, is this mantra:
‘If one of us has to be upset, it doesn't have to be me.’
Now, of course, in an ideal world, populated with healthy people, we would work on the situation and come up with a win-win solution in which neither of us is upset.
But as you well know, that ideal situation does not ever apply when we're dealing with narcissists. Or even other dysfunctional people.
And so a situation is created in which one of you does have to be upset. Either she gets her way and then you’ll be upset. Or you get your way and then she’ll be upset.
So, this is a situation in which the first half of the mantra applies, i.e. that one of you has to be upset.
But ... it doesn't have to be you!
This is revolutionary. At least, it was for me when I first realised it. You mean, I could just let her be upset at not getting her own way?
For sure, I didn't want her upset. It wasn't nice when she was upset. But at the end of the day, I still had a choice. Either she could be upset, or I could. And it didn't have to be me. Especially since she was the one creating the situation in which one of us had to be upset. If it were up to me I’d go for the win-win situation every time. Not my fault that wasn’t possible.
Now, it's possible that you will feel an inordinate fear of her, and be terrified of upsetting her her. Totally natural, given your upbringing. But you can erase that fear, and see her posturing as just the tantrums of a toddler. (This of course, does not apply if she's genuinely violent or otherwise dangerous. But if she is those things, she probably isn't narcissistic alone.)
You can use EFT to erase this fear, and there’s a script below to help you and allow you to do that.
And remember, if one of you has to be upset, it doesn't have to be you!
Going No Contact
Going No Contact, or NC, is a big decision. Be in no doubt about that. It means to cut off all contact with your narcissistic mother, and possibly other family members too, by default, as we shall explore later.
This is such a big, complex, difficult step. Many DONMs genuinely do love their mothers, and it seems impossible to cut those ties. And even for those of us, like me, who never ever loved her, it’s still a huge step. Everything in our culture screams at us that you must stay in contact with your mother. It’s ironic because no one nowadays would ever tell you to stay with an abusive spouse (and it’s hard to remember, but
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