they used to), but they all tell you to stay with these parents. Especially since the abuse is so subtle, it’s even more difficult to explain.
Remember I spoke earlier of how there are three layers of abuse to this NPD? The first layer is our mother’s abuse. The second layer is her denial of it and invalidation of our experiences. The third layer is society’s denial of it, and invalidation of our experiences.
And if you go No Contact, it’s very possible that others – neighbours, friends, extended family – will judge you harshly for it. This can be difficult to deal with. As Lucinda on the forum said, ‘I struggled with this because I thought their opinions of me somehow defined who I really was. If they thought I was bad it felt like I really was bad.’
She then realised, however, ‘When I got to know myself I realized I'm fine just the way I am. I know I’m a good person. Other people's opinions are just their opinions, they are not who I am.’
Sometimes DONMs find themselves hoping for their narcissistic mother to do something really big and awful, just one more thing, to justify going No Contact. Again, this is a very valid position to hold, but I do offer you the opportunity of considering all the awful things she has done already. Do you really need her to do one more thing?
Just like with an abusive spouse, sometimes we have to go back to the abuse of our mother time and again until finally we reach the place of being able to say, Enough . And that’s okay, you know. There’s no one standing there with a stopwatch or an impatiently tapping foot. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone else. You will do what you do, when you do it, and that’s okay.
Or sometimes DONMs feel somehow as if they need permission to go No Contact. Someone to tell them it’s okay. Well, in truth you don’t need anyone’s permission. But just in case, I give you mine:
I tell you categorically that no one has to stay with an abuser. No one is obliged to endure being psychologically and emotionally invalidated, lied to, lied about, undermined, dismissed and otherwise mistreated. I tell you that you have every right to only associate with people who treat you well and considerately. And that being biologically related to your abuser does not change that one bit.
You might think that it’s not fair to punish her. Thing is, you’re not punishing her. You’re protecting yourself by removing yourself from an abuser. If she does not like it, that is just a consequence. It’s a subtle distinction but a real one. You are not doing it to her, you are doing it for you , and any impact on her is the consequence of that. Indeed, another meaning of the initials NC is Natural Consequences. She is experiencing the natural consequences of her actions, and it is not your job to protect her from those.
But she can’t help what she does, you might think next. True, in a way. She can act differently, but her NPD wouldn’t let her, so yes, she can’t help it. That still does not mean we have to put up with that treatment.
Put it this way: I know that a tiger cannot help being the way she is. I know that a tiger is a natural predator and will kill me given the chance. I do not blame her for that - she cannot help it. But I make it my business not to go near tigers, for my own safety. No blame whatsoever. Just avoidance. (We speak more about this topic later when we discuss forgiveness.)
So NC is not something you do to her. It’s something you do for you, for your health and sanity and well-being.
Now, let’s be very clear. NC has a very specific meaning. It means no contact. Just like you can’t be a little bit pregnant, you can’t be a little bit No Contact. You either are, or you are not. If you have any contact at all, you are LC. Which is a perfectly legitimate thing to be. It’s just not NC.
This fact that No Contact means exactly that: no contact, is descriptive not prescriptive.
Remember I spoke earlier of how there are three layers of abuse to this NPD? The first layer is our mother’s abuse. The second layer is her denial of it and invalidation of our experiences. The third layer is society’s denial of it, and invalidation of our experiences.
And if you go No Contact, it’s very possible that others – neighbours, friends, extended family – will judge you harshly for it. This can be difficult to deal with. As Lucinda on the forum said, ‘I struggled with this because I thought their opinions of me somehow defined who I really was. If they thought I was bad it felt like I really was bad.’
She then realised, however, ‘When I got to know myself I realized I'm fine just the way I am. I know I’m a good person. Other people's opinions are just their opinions, they are not who I am.’
Sometimes DONMs find themselves hoping for their narcissistic mother to do something really big and awful, just one more thing, to justify going No Contact. Again, this is a very valid position to hold, but I do offer you the opportunity of considering all the awful things she has done already. Do you really need her to do one more thing?
Just like with an abusive spouse, sometimes we have to go back to the abuse of our mother time and again until finally we reach the place of being able to say, Enough . And that’s okay, you know. There’s no one standing there with a stopwatch or an impatiently tapping foot. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone else. You will do what you do, when you do it, and that’s okay.
Or sometimes DONMs feel somehow as if they need permission to go No Contact. Someone to tell them it’s okay. Well, in truth you don’t need anyone’s permission. But just in case, I give you mine:
I tell you categorically that no one has to stay with an abuser. No one is obliged to endure being psychologically and emotionally invalidated, lied to, lied about, undermined, dismissed and otherwise mistreated. I tell you that you have every right to only associate with people who treat you well and considerately. And that being biologically related to your abuser does not change that one bit.
You might think that it’s not fair to punish her. Thing is, you’re not punishing her. You’re protecting yourself by removing yourself from an abuser. If she does not like it, that is just a consequence. It’s a subtle distinction but a real one. You are not doing it to her, you are doing it for you , and any impact on her is the consequence of that. Indeed, another meaning of the initials NC is Natural Consequences. She is experiencing the natural consequences of her actions, and it is not your job to protect her from those.
But she can’t help what she does, you might think next. True, in a way. She can act differently, but her NPD wouldn’t let her, so yes, she can’t help it. That still does not mean we have to put up with that treatment.
Put it this way: I know that a tiger cannot help being the way she is. I know that a tiger is a natural predator and will kill me given the chance. I do not blame her for that - she cannot help it. But I make it my business not to go near tigers, for my own safety. No blame whatsoever. Just avoidance. (We speak more about this topic later when we discuss forgiveness.)
So NC is not something you do to her. It’s something you do for you, for your health and sanity and well-being.
Now, let’s be very clear. NC has a very specific meaning. It means no contact. Just like you can’t be a little bit pregnant, you can’t be a little bit No Contact. You either are, or you are not. If you have any contact at all, you are LC. Which is a perfectly legitimate thing to be. It’s just not NC.
This fact that No Contact means exactly that: no contact, is descriptive not prescriptive.
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