By which I mean, this is not me, or anyone else telling you what to do. That always remains your choice. Your narcissistic mother tried to limit your choices and options. This book and what I share in it do exactly the opposite. They are about empowering you and describing your choices and options, with no agenda as to which ones you pick.
No Contact means:
You do not speak to her. Ever. No matter what. She is dead to you, in effect.
You do not listen to her, or give her another chance, or hear her out. You tried that. It did not work, remember? It will not work because your mother is a narcissist and narcissists do not change.
You do not let her into your house.
You do not go to her house.
You do not phone her. You do not answer her phone calls. Screen your calls if possible. If you answer the phone and it is her, hang up immediately without giving her any response.
Do not send or answer her e-mails or other correspondence. Do not even read them. They will be full of lies which will upset you. Block her emails if possible. (Keep her correspondence in a file though, as proof if you need to apply for a restraining order, of which more below.)
If possible, do not accept gifts in the post from her. If those gifts arrive, then just donate them to a charity shop. Do not send them back as that is more Narcissistic Supply. Do not send thank-you letters. I know that feels rude, but it is not. The normal rules do not apply with narcissists, as she is using those gifts to manipulate. If you have to sign for the parcels, just don’t – just refuse them.
If you need to communicate, say if you have a business or property in common, do so through solicitors.
Do not send her cards. No, not even for her birthday, or Mother’s Day, or Christmas.
Unfriend her on Facebook. Block her too, so she can’t see your statuses.
Nothing trumps NC. So no matter how big the news or the event, you do not involve them. So your wedding, the birth of your children, the weddings of your children will all happen without her. Yes, this is very, very sad. Yes, it is very, very necessary. Remember how she spoiled all the special occasions you did let her get involved in.
If you meet her in public, ignore her if possible. If that would cause upset and grief for others (say at a party or function you are at), then do the bare minimum you can possibly get away with. Do not let her use this opportunity to try to suck you into discussion.
Do not discuss her with others who are in contact with her. This is very important as she will probably send them to argue her case. More on this below.
I strongly advise that you think about what you will do in various scenarios that she might try. It’s essential to have a plan so you are not taken by surprise when it happens. It’s hard to think strategically when we are stressed.
So, if she comes to the front door of your house and knocks on it, how will you react? If you are NC, you do not answer the door – but what will you do? Retreat upstairs? Go to the kitchen?
Or, if you open the door by mistake, what will you do? Again, for NC, the only appropriate reaction is to close the door in her face. (I know this seems extreme. But as we discuss later, normal rules don’t apply with narcissists). If you answer the phone and it’s her, what will you do? Speak to her? Hang up? Put the phone down without hanging up and walk away?
Now, this is very important – not only do you need to plan all this, but I strongly advise you to practise it too. There is a reason actors rehearse so extensively, sportspeople practise so much. It’s because the body needs to know what to do without thinking. It needs to know its role by habit, without having to consciously do it. When you are under stress, you tend to revert to known actions, and closing doors on your mother, or hanging up on her, are not known actions. Not until you make them so, anyway, which is the point.
So, silly though it might feel, rehearse this.
No Contact means:
You do not speak to her. Ever. No matter what. She is dead to you, in effect.
You do not listen to her, or give her another chance, or hear her out. You tried that. It did not work, remember? It will not work because your mother is a narcissist and narcissists do not change.
You do not let her into your house.
You do not go to her house.
You do not phone her. You do not answer her phone calls. Screen your calls if possible. If you answer the phone and it is her, hang up immediately without giving her any response.
Do not send or answer her e-mails or other correspondence. Do not even read them. They will be full of lies which will upset you. Block her emails if possible. (Keep her correspondence in a file though, as proof if you need to apply for a restraining order, of which more below.)
If possible, do not accept gifts in the post from her. If those gifts arrive, then just donate them to a charity shop. Do not send them back as that is more Narcissistic Supply. Do not send thank-you letters. I know that feels rude, but it is not. The normal rules do not apply with narcissists, as she is using those gifts to manipulate. If you have to sign for the parcels, just don’t – just refuse them.
If you need to communicate, say if you have a business or property in common, do so through solicitors.
Do not send her cards. No, not even for her birthday, or Mother’s Day, or Christmas.
Unfriend her on Facebook. Block her too, so she can’t see your statuses.
Nothing trumps NC. So no matter how big the news or the event, you do not involve them. So your wedding, the birth of your children, the weddings of your children will all happen without her. Yes, this is very, very sad. Yes, it is very, very necessary. Remember how she spoiled all the special occasions you did let her get involved in.
If you meet her in public, ignore her if possible. If that would cause upset and grief for others (say at a party or function you are at), then do the bare minimum you can possibly get away with. Do not let her use this opportunity to try to suck you into discussion.
Do not discuss her with others who are in contact with her. This is very important as she will probably send them to argue her case. More on this below.
I strongly advise that you think about what you will do in various scenarios that she might try. It’s essential to have a plan so you are not taken by surprise when it happens. It’s hard to think strategically when we are stressed.
So, if she comes to the front door of your house and knocks on it, how will you react? If you are NC, you do not answer the door – but what will you do? Retreat upstairs? Go to the kitchen?
Or, if you open the door by mistake, what will you do? Again, for NC, the only appropriate reaction is to close the door in her face. (I know this seems extreme. But as we discuss later, normal rules don’t apply with narcissists). If you answer the phone and it’s her, what will you do? Speak to her? Hang up? Put the phone down without hanging up and walk away?
Now, this is very important – not only do you need to plan all this, but I strongly advise you to practise it too. There is a reason actors rehearse so extensively, sportspeople practise so much. It’s because the body needs to know what to do without thinking. It needs to know its role by habit, without having to consciously do it. When you are under stress, you tend to revert to known actions, and closing doors on your mother, or hanging up on her, are not known actions. Not until you make them so, anyway, which is the point.
So, silly though it might feel, rehearse this.
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