question you and offend you. I didn’t want to accuse you of something like that without knowing for sure. But, you had lost so much weight, you were stealing all kinds of expensive clothes and giving me all sorts of shit. I noticed you would disappear for days and weeks at a time. Then you got arrested and there was no more doubt about it. And I was upset when I heard about it. I still wonder how the hell you got caught up in smoking crack. Crack, Jada. We have a lot to talk about. But, I still love you. I will be here for you from the moment you get out of that program. I’ll walk with you through this every step of the way. I promise you that. You’re not alone. Remember that.
I love you always.
Ava
Jada smiled. She understood where Ava was coming from. She knew that Ava was disappointed. But she still loved her. And it made Jada feel good to know that her sister was still on her side. She felt so good aboutAva’s letter that she decided to write to her mother. Maybe this whole thing would be what brought her family back together again. Maybe her addiction would be what reunited them after all of the pain. She tried her luck.
Ma,
I’m not really sure where to start with this letter. But, I guess I should start by saying that I’m sorry. I really am sorry. I was probably the worst daughter any mother could get stuck with. I betrayed you, and I disrespected you. But, I never meant to hurt you. Not when I was with Charlie, and not when I started using drugs. Causing you pain wasn’t what I wanted. I only wanted my own pain to go away. You might not have ever known that I was in pain. But, I was. I was hurt because you never fought for anything as hard as you fought for the men in your life. It felt like you cared about them more than us. I know there’s no excuse for some of the things I’ve done. And I’m sure you probably don’t really want to forgive me. But, I am asking you to forgive me. And, I forgive you, too. I hope you still love me. Because I still love you. I want to put our family back together again. I hope you want the same thing.
Please write me back.
Your daughter,
Jada
Jada’s mother never wrote her back. She told herself that it was no big deal. But the child inside of her cried a little for the love her mother had never given her. Getting through rehab without her mother’s support and forgiveness was hard for Jada. She didn’t admit that, not even to herself. But the fact that she never got a response from Edna cut her deeply. She felt as if she’d been kicked while she was down. Soon the counselors and their speeches and rhetoric became noisy belligerence to her. Jada heard them. She listened to what they said. And she knew she had a problem. But she wouldn’t allow herself to really believe that she couldn’t handle her problem on her own. She got tired of going togroup. “Group” was what they called the group therapy sessions. She was tired of it. She didn’t want to hear about other people’s struggles, and she was sick of thinking about her own. She felt that since she couldn’t change her past, she would much rather try to forget it. All she wanted now was to try to stay clean, and to pick up the pieces from where they’d fallen. Jada was ready to get out of there and get back on track. She felt like she had the power to control her need for cocaine. She thought she was strong enough, mentally, to never use crack again. And she left rehab in early 1995, feeling in her heart that she wasn’t going to smoke crack anymore. They wanted her to stay for another thirty days. The counselors felt that she could benefit from more time in the structured environment. But since they could only force her to stay for ninety days, Jada didn’t stay a day longer than she had to.
She was determined to make a clean start. So she steered clear of West Brighton, where she’d been lured into a life of drugs and crazy living in the first place. She hooked back up with Shante, after
I love you always.
Ava
Jada smiled. She understood where Ava was coming from. She knew that Ava was disappointed. But she still loved her. And it made Jada feel good to know that her sister was still on her side. She felt so good aboutAva’s letter that she decided to write to her mother. Maybe this whole thing would be what brought her family back together again. Maybe her addiction would be what reunited them after all of the pain. She tried her luck.
Ma,
I’m not really sure where to start with this letter. But, I guess I should start by saying that I’m sorry. I really am sorry. I was probably the worst daughter any mother could get stuck with. I betrayed you, and I disrespected you. But, I never meant to hurt you. Not when I was with Charlie, and not when I started using drugs. Causing you pain wasn’t what I wanted. I only wanted my own pain to go away. You might not have ever known that I was in pain. But, I was. I was hurt because you never fought for anything as hard as you fought for the men in your life. It felt like you cared about them more than us. I know there’s no excuse for some of the things I’ve done. And I’m sure you probably don’t really want to forgive me. But, I am asking you to forgive me. And, I forgive you, too. I hope you still love me. Because I still love you. I want to put our family back together again. I hope you want the same thing.
Please write me back.
Your daughter,
Jada
Jada’s mother never wrote her back. She told herself that it was no big deal. But the child inside of her cried a little for the love her mother had never given her. Getting through rehab without her mother’s support and forgiveness was hard for Jada. She didn’t admit that, not even to herself. But the fact that she never got a response from Edna cut her deeply. She felt as if she’d been kicked while she was down. Soon the counselors and their speeches and rhetoric became noisy belligerence to her. Jada heard them. She listened to what they said. And she knew she had a problem. But she wouldn’t allow herself to really believe that she couldn’t handle her problem on her own. She got tired of going togroup. “Group” was what they called the group therapy sessions. She was tired of it. She didn’t want to hear about other people’s struggles, and she was sick of thinking about her own. She felt that since she couldn’t change her past, she would much rather try to forget it. All she wanted now was to try to stay clean, and to pick up the pieces from where they’d fallen. Jada was ready to get out of there and get back on track. She felt like she had the power to control her need for cocaine. She thought she was strong enough, mentally, to never use crack again. And she left rehab in early 1995, feeling in her heart that she wasn’t going to smoke crack anymore. They wanted her to stay for another thirty days. The counselors felt that she could benefit from more time in the structured environment. But since they could only force her to stay for ninety days, Jada didn’t stay a day longer than she had to.
She was determined to make a clean start. So she steered clear of West Brighton, where she’d been lured into a life of drugs and crazy living in the first place. She hooked back up with Shante, after
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