he said, “God forgive me, it gotta be done.”
Eula was up again. She pulled against Wallace’s shoulders, like a bird trying to move an elephant. “Please, baby. You not this kind of man, I know you ain’t. You got a good heart inside you. I promise I’ll keep her locked inside. I promise. Nobody know. Please, baby.”
For an instant, his grip on my shoulders eased.
Then Wallace roared as loud as any bear and flung her away. She landed on her side and rolled into the water.
“I won’t tell! I won’t tell anybody!” I screamed.
The water came up over my ears. I strained my neck to raise my head.
“Don’t look at me!” he shouted. “Close your eyes and don’t you look at me!” His knee pinned my shoulders and his big hand pressed my forehead. Then he pushed.
I kicked and bucked my legs. I clawed his arm.
The water blurred my vision, but I saw him turn his face away. My breath ran out fast.
My mouth opened. Water burned its way in.
This is the end of me.
The hand on my head began to shake.
A lily pad floated into sight. It looked different from the bottom.
All the sudden, I wasn’t scared anymore. Warm calm wrapped me up tight.
I was sorry I wouldn’t see my momma again. Sorry I didn’t tell Patti Lynn good-bye. Sorry Daddy’d have to be without his girl when he came home for a visit next time.
My eyes closed.
Please don’t hurt baby James.
All at once, the hand and the knee were gone.
My face sprung up out of the water. I had to kick with my legs to keep from sliding back in. I grabbed a handful of tall grass and pulled. I coughed and wheezed as I rolled over. I heard my lungs squeal as air rushed in, burning even more than the water as it had inched deep into my chest.
I heard Eula splashing and slipping a few feet away as she tried to get out of the mud and water. It hadn’t been her who made him stop.
Wallace sat on the edge of the road, not a foot from me, his elbows on his knees, the heels of his hands pressed against his eyes. His mouth was drawn into an awful openmouthed frown; a string of spit ran from his lower lip. He rocked and muttered, “Sweet Jesus, save me . . . save me . . . I can’t . . . I jus’ can’t . . .”
I wanted to yell his damnation. I opened my mouth and all that came out was a sorry sob; a baby’s sob. I tried to swallow it, but another bubbled up right behind it.
Wallace trained his eyes on me and raised his fist. “You’s alive now, but you run again, I am gonna kill you . . . right after I kill that squallin’ baby.”
Never let a bully see you scared.
I tried to sit up but my arms were too weak to push.
Reaching deep for courage, I found there was nothing left to grab on to.
I wished I’d let that truck run over me.
I rolled onto my back and looked up at the sky, my own barking sobs filling my ears. Suddenly the sunrise turned inside out and time ran backwards, sending the sky toward darkness.
Baby James sounded farther and farther away.
Then everything faded altogether. I reached out and took that blackness by the hand, glad to go away from here. Away from everything forever.
9
i
was rocking. I was warm. A soft hum brushed my ears, which seemed to be plugged up with cotton, making the sound far away. I knew it was close though, ’cause it vibrated against my shoulder. Momma?
Keeping my eyes closed, I tried to dig back deeper into sleep. I was safe.That’s all I wanted to let in. But my body worked against me, waking up anyway, poking with soreness and pain. For a while I could ignore it. Then things started to prickle my mind. The storm. The swamp.
A cold wind blew the cobwebs from my head, pulling them string by sticky string, showing more than I wanted to remember.
Wallace.
Oh, dear baby Jesus, no.
The smell of woodsmoke and kerosene snaked into my nose. I was back in the hateful little bedroom. Trapped. Hopeless.
I felt like something was trying to claw its way out of my chest. The pain forced my eyes open.
I was wrapped in the quilt from
Eula was up again. She pulled against Wallace’s shoulders, like a bird trying to move an elephant. “Please, baby. You not this kind of man, I know you ain’t. You got a good heart inside you. I promise I’ll keep her locked inside. I promise. Nobody know. Please, baby.”
For an instant, his grip on my shoulders eased.
Then Wallace roared as loud as any bear and flung her away. She landed on her side and rolled into the water.
“I won’t tell! I won’t tell anybody!” I screamed.
The water came up over my ears. I strained my neck to raise my head.
“Don’t look at me!” he shouted. “Close your eyes and don’t you look at me!” His knee pinned my shoulders and his big hand pressed my forehead. Then he pushed.
I kicked and bucked my legs. I clawed his arm.
The water blurred my vision, but I saw him turn his face away. My breath ran out fast.
My mouth opened. Water burned its way in.
This is the end of me.
The hand on my head began to shake.
A lily pad floated into sight. It looked different from the bottom.
All the sudden, I wasn’t scared anymore. Warm calm wrapped me up tight.
I was sorry I wouldn’t see my momma again. Sorry I didn’t tell Patti Lynn good-bye. Sorry Daddy’d have to be without his girl when he came home for a visit next time.
My eyes closed.
Please don’t hurt baby James.
All at once, the hand and the knee were gone.
My face sprung up out of the water. I had to kick with my legs to keep from sliding back in. I grabbed a handful of tall grass and pulled. I coughed and wheezed as I rolled over. I heard my lungs squeal as air rushed in, burning even more than the water as it had inched deep into my chest.
I heard Eula splashing and slipping a few feet away as she tried to get out of the mud and water. It hadn’t been her who made him stop.
Wallace sat on the edge of the road, not a foot from me, his elbows on his knees, the heels of his hands pressed against his eyes. His mouth was drawn into an awful openmouthed frown; a string of spit ran from his lower lip. He rocked and muttered, “Sweet Jesus, save me . . . save me . . . I can’t . . . I jus’ can’t . . .”
I wanted to yell his damnation. I opened my mouth and all that came out was a sorry sob; a baby’s sob. I tried to swallow it, but another bubbled up right behind it.
Wallace trained his eyes on me and raised his fist. “You’s alive now, but you run again, I am gonna kill you . . . right after I kill that squallin’ baby.”
Never let a bully see you scared.
I tried to sit up but my arms were too weak to push.
Reaching deep for courage, I found there was nothing left to grab on to.
I wished I’d let that truck run over me.
I rolled onto my back and looked up at the sky, my own barking sobs filling my ears. Suddenly the sunrise turned inside out and time ran backwards, sending the sky toward darkness.
Baby James sounded farther and farther away.
Then everything faded altogether. I reached out and took that blackness by the hand, glad to go away from here. Away from everything forever.
9
i
was rocking. I was warm. A soft hum brushed my ears, which seemed to be plugged up with cotton, making the sound far away. I knew it was close though, ’cause it vibrated against my shoulder. Momma?
Keeping my eyes closed, I tried to dig back deeper into sleep. I was safe.That’s all I wanted to let in. But my body worked against me, waking up anyway, poking with soreness and pain. For a while I could ignore it. Then things started to prickle my mind. The storm. The swamp.
A cold wind blew the cobwebs from my head, pulling them string by sticky string, showing more than I wanted to remember.
Wallace.
Oh, dear baby Jesus, no.
The smell of woodsmoke and kerosene snaked into my nose. I was back in the hateful little bedroom. Trapped. Hopeless.
I felt like something was trying to claw its way out of my chest. The pain forced my eyes open.
I was wrapped in the quilt from
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