you, seeing you smile, making you laugh. I just miss being with you. And I know that all of this is my fault. As much as it kills me to say this, there’s a part of me that understands why you haven’t found me yet, even if you do remember me already.
It’s taken me a long time to understand why you might be doing this. I always hoped that it was just because you didn’t remember me…and I don’t know if you do yet, but the thing is, I get it. I hurt you, didn’t I? I did the one thing I swore I would never do and as much as I wish I could make you understand, make you see what really happened that I night, right now I can’t.
Mum and Dad have started asking about you again. I think they thought that maybe today we might have talked, being that it’s your birthday and all. It was hard telling them that we hadn’t, that we might never. They miss you too, you know? They hate that they never got a chance to say goodbye to you. I had to tell them some lies at first, make up some bullshit to cover up what had happened. That hurt, not being able to tell anyone the truth, but at the same time I didn’t want to say it out loud either. I couldn’t bring myself to admit what a fucking dickhead I’d been. I can now though. Now I get it, I get why you’re so mad at me. But shit, Evie, if you would just give me a chance to explain. To tell you what really happened that night.
It was all such a huge misunderstanding and you know what… I still miss you, baby. So fucking much.
I’m doing everything I can to try and find you, even though I have no idea how to even begin. I’ve been back to all the places you once were, but nothing…
I will though, because I really need to explain this to you. Even if you just listen and then walk away, as much as that will break my heart, I just want to you to understand that I didn’t do this. That I never did anything with her, but more than that, that I never meant to hurt you. I need you to know I’m not that kind of guy.
I love you, Eva. Please remember that. Please hear these words, wherever you are. Hear them and find your way back to me.
I miss you like crazy.
Ben x
28 February 1998
Dear Evie,
God, it’s been two years now.
And I’m in agony here, Evie, seriously. And I know you’re hurting too, I get it, I really get it, ok? But baby, this is fucking killing me . I don’t know if you don’t remember me, you don’t want to see me or…god I can’t believe I’m even saying this, something has happened to you and for some reason, you can’t find me.
I can’t imagine going through life not knowing if something has happened to you. I can’t imagine not ever seeing you again. Paul keeps telling me to get over it, to let you go and to move on, but I just can’t do that. I can’t let you go because I’m not ready to give you up. He doesn’t get it anyway, and as much as I’d love to explain it all to him, tell him the real story, I know I can’t.
Aside from the fact he’d never in a million years believe me, I know it’s not my secret to tell. It’s yours and I guess it’s ours and I don’t want to share it with anyone until I know you’re ok with that too.
I miss you so much, Evie. So much it hurts. And it’s a hurt that isn’t ever going to go away. In fact, it’s only getting worse… Whoever said that time heals all wounds was full of shit. I’d like to punch that fucker in the face, because I can tell you now, time does not heal the wounds. It makes them worse…so much worse. I have no idea how to make any of this hurt go away, and to be honest, right now I don’t think I want to live without it.
Because my hurt, all the things I’m feeling right now, are my only proof that you really exist. This hurt is my proof that I really love you. I know that if I didn’t feel like this right now, then what we have together, how I feel about you, wouldn’t be real. People say that love is all about happiness and joy and blah, blah,
It’s taken me a long time to understand why you might be doing this. I always hoped that it was just because you didn’t remember me…and I don’t know if you do yet, but the thing is, I get it. I hurt you, didn’t I? I did the one thing I swore I would never do and as much as I wish I could make you understand, make you see what really happened that I night, right now I can’t.
Mum and Dad have started asking about you again. I think they thought that maybe today we might have talked, being that it’s your birthday and all. It was hard telling them that we hadn’t, that we might never. They miss you too, you know? They hate that they never got a chance to say goodbye to you. I had to tell them some lies at first, make up some bullshit to cover up what had happened. That hurt, not being able to tell anyone the truth, but at the same time I didn’t want to say it out loud either. I couldn’t bring myself to admit what a fucking dickhead I’d been. I can now though. Now I get it, I get why you’re so mad at me. But shit, Evie, if you would just give me a chance to explain. To tell you what really happened that night.
It was all such a huge misunderstanding and you know what… I still miss you, baby. So fucking much.
I’m doing everything I can to try and find you, even though I have no idea how to even begin. I’ve been back to all the places you once were, but nothing…
I will though, because I really need to explain this to you. Even if you just listen and then walk away, as much as that will break my heart, I just want to you to understand that I didn’t do this. That I never did anything with her, but more than that, that I never meant to hurt you. I need you to know I’m not that kind of guy.
I love you, Eva. Please remember that. Please hear these words, wherever you are. Hear them and find your way back to me.
I miss you like crazy.
Ben x
28 February 1998
Dear Evie,
God, it’s been two years now.
And I’m in agony here, Evie, seriously. And I know you’re hurting too, I get it, I really get it, ok? But baby, this is fucking killing me . I don’t know if you don’t remember me, you don’t want to see me or…god I can’t believe I’m even saying this, something has happened to you and for some reason, you can’t find me.
I can’t imagine going through life not knowing if something has happened to you. I can’t imagine not ever seeing you again. Paul keeps telling me to get over it, to let you go and to move on, but I just can’t do that. I can’t let you go because I’m not ready to give you up. He doesn’t get it anyway, and as much as I’d love to explain it all to him, tell him the real story, I know I can’t.
Aside from the fact he’d never in a million years believe me, I know it’s not my secret to tell. It’s yours and I guess it’s ours and I don’t want to share it with anyone until I know you’re ok with that too.
I miss you so much, Evie. So much it hurts. And it’s a hurt that isn’t ever going to go away. In fact, it’s only getting worse… Whoever said that time heals all wounds was full of shit. I’d like to punch that fucker in the face, because I can tell you now, time does not heal the wounds. It makes them worse…so much worse. I have no idea how to make any of this hurt go away, and to be honest, right now I don’t think I want to live without it.
Because my hurt, all the things I’m feeling right now, are my only proof that you really exist. This hurt is my proof that I really love you. I know that if I didn’t feel like this right now, then what we have together, how I feel about you, wouldn’t be real. People say that love is all about happiness and joy and blah, blah,
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