at me. “Should we move on?”
“No questions then, you’re good?” I ask, kissing her again.
“We’re good, Ben,” she says, smiling. “ We are good.”
10 March 1996
Dear Evie,
It’s been 11 days and you are still gone.
Mum and dad came back today too. I still have no idea where you are and I finally got my letter for where I’m going.
It’s London, Evie, I’m going to London. So is Paul, we’re both are, but you know what, I don’t even want to go anymore. I don’t want to leave this place because you’re not coming with me and none of this means anything without you.
We were supposed to do this together, Evie, you and me. This was the start of our new life together. You and me, on our own, living together like grown-ups.
Instead, Paul and I are now getting a flat together. We aren’t working at the same station, but because I don’t have you, he and I are just going to live together. He broke up with Lily you know. Well she sort of broke up with him, didn’t want to move and didn’t want to do the long distance thing either. He figures it was a sign, good timing or whatever.
Paul keeps asking what’s going on with you and me. He saw you go running down the stairs that night, saw me go running after you. Everyone saw me come back alone, everyone knows you never came back. That you still haven’t come back.
The questions, Evie, so many fucking questions. I get them all the time, from everyone. They never stop fucking asking them and all I want to do is scream at everybody to shut the fuck up. To tell them that they have no idea, no one has any fucking idea what’s really going on here. No one knows what this is like, no one knows what we go through, no one.
Sarah’s worried sick about you. She and I have been spending a lot of time together because I think we both know that we are each other’s link to you. A part of me hopes that if you get your trigger and you don’t want to see me, that maybe you’ll want to see her. I don’t want that to happen, but if it can’t be me, then yeah, I want it to be her.
I don’t know…
All I do know is that this is killing me, Evie. Being apart from you has never felt this hard before. Being without you after everything that’s happened, during all of the years, but especially last night. Knowing there is no way I can fix this, that I can’t find you and explain it so that you understand, it’s fucking awful.
I don’t know what to do, baby. I miss you so much and everyone thinks we’ve broken up and no one knows why and they just won’t stop asking me questions.
Questions I don’t know how to answer. Questions I don’t want to answer.
Please, Evie, please just come back to me.
I miss you so much, baby.
Love,
Ben x
12:59 am - 1 March 2012
Evie lets out a deep breath. There are no tears this time though, it’s more like she’s gathering strength, preparing herself for what’s to come.
“Not fun, huh?” I ask her, kissing the top of her head.
She shakes her head. “No,” she says. “And you know what, all these things, how you were feeling. I was feeling it too,” she says. “I just didn’t know why.”
I half laugh. “I would’ve given anything to not know why,” I say, almost to myself.
Evie’s head falls back onto my shoulder and she stares up at me. “Funny, I would have given anything to be able to know,” she says. “I didn’t know what was wrong with me, why I felt so sad and lost.”
I lean in and kiss her, knowing there is nothing I can say to make it any better. It is what it is, and deep down, we both know that.
“Should we keep going?” I ask, knowing I just want to get through this part as quickly as possible.
Evie nods and I hand her the next letter.
2 June 1996
Dear Evie,
I’m leaving.
Today is the day Paul and I move to London. I still have no idea where you are and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. I have to go, because I have to
“No questions then, you’re good?” I ask, kissing her again.
“We’re good, Ben,” she says, smiling. “ We are good.”
10 March 1996
Dear Evie,
It’s been 11 days and you are still gone.
Mum and dad came back today too. I still have no idea where you are and I finally got my letter for where I’m going.
It’s London, Evie, I’m going to London. So is Paul, we’re both are, but you know what, I don’t even want to go anymore. I don’t want to leave this place because you’re not coming with me and none of this means anything without you.
We were supposed to do this together, Evie, you and me. This was the start of our new life together. You and me, on our own, living together like grown-ups.
Instead, Paul and I are now getting a flat together. We aren’t working at the same station, but because I don’t have you, he and I are just going to live together. He broke up with Lily you know. Well she sort of broke up with him, didn’t want to move and didn’t want to do the long distance thing either. He figures it was a sign, good timing or whatever.
Paul keeps asking what’s going on with you and me. He saw you go running down the stairs that night, saw me go running after you. Everyone saw me come back alone, everyone knows you never came back. That you still haven’t come back.
The questions, Evie, so many fucking questions. I get them all the time, from everyone. They never stop fucking asking them and all I want to do is scream at everybody to shut the fuck up. To tell them that they have no idea, no one has any fucking idea what’s really going on here. No one knows what this is like, no one knows what we go through, no one.
Sarah’s worried sick about you. She and I have been spending a lot of time together because I think we both know that we are each other’s link to you. A part of me hopes that if you get your trigger and you don’t want to see me, that maybe you’ll want to see her. I don’t want that to happen, but if it can’t be me, then yeah, I want it to be her.
I don’t know…
All I do know is that this is killing me, Evie. Being apart from you has never felt this hard before. Being without you after everything that’s happened, during all of the years, but especially last night. Knowing there is no way I can fix this, that I can’t find you and explain it so that you understand, it’s fucking awful.
I don’t know what to do, baby. I miss you so much and everyone thinks we’ve broken up and no one knows why and they just won’t stop asking me questions.
Questions I don’t know how to answer. Questions I don’t want to answer.
Please, Evie, please just come back to me.
I miss you so much, baby.
Love,
Ben x
12:59 am - 1 March 2012
Evie lets out a deep breath. There are no tears this time though, it’s more like she’s gathering strength, preparing herself for what’s to come.
“Not fun, huh?” I ask her, kissing the top of her head.
She shakes her head. “No,” she says. “And you know what, all these things, how you were feeling. I was feeling it too,” she says. “I just didn’t know why.”
I half laugh. “I would’ve given anything to not know why,” I say, almost to myself.
Evie’s head falls back onto my shoulder and she stares up at me. “Funny, I would have given anything to be able to know,” she says. “I didn’t know what was wrong with me, why I felt so sad and lost.”
I lean in and kiss her, knowing there is nothing I can say to make it any better. It is what it is, and deep down, we both know that.
“Should we keep going?” I ask, knowing I just want to get through this part as quickly as possible.
Evie nods and I hand her the next letter.
2 June 1996
Dear Evie,
I’m leaving.
Today is the day Paul and I move to London. I still have no idea where you are and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. I have to go, because I have to
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