believe that one day you’ll find me again. That somehow you’ll find a way to forgive me or at the very least, let me explain. And when that day comes, I want to be ready, because I’m going to tell you everything, baby. And I’m going to get you back.
I’ve left my details with Sarah and with Mum and Dad. Rachel too, although she’s still living at home for the moment. They all know how to reach me, ok? And there’s Paul’s mum too, if that helps. I guess I don’t know who you’re going to reach out to. Maybe it won’t be me. I hope so, but I’m kind of thinking it won’t. I don’t know how things are going to go when your memories come back. I know when it happens you remember everything, so I know that means when you do, you’ll remember everything about that night too.
So Sarah, ok. If you have to talk to someone, talk to Sarah. She knows everything. Well, not about you disappearing, but she knows everything about that night, about what really happened. We’ve spent a lot of time together, trying to work out where you are. It’s been strange, searching like that when I can’t tell her the full story. But I’ve spent a lot of time telling her about what really happened that night, what that stupid girl did, what I didn’t do. She’s so worried about you, Evie. So am I.
We both just miss you, baby, so much.
Please…please come back.
I love you,
Ben x
15 August 1996
Dear Evie,
It’s been a while I know and I’m sorry. I just…I’ve been so busy with work and training and courses and shit. Although none of that’s why I haven’t written. I just…I’m just so fucking lonely, Evie. So lonely and sad and hurt and I just don’t know what to say to you. I don’t want to just write these things down, I want to talk to you, see you. I want to be with you, Evie.
I’d apologise a million times over if I thought it was going to bring you back to me. But you know what, I’ve done that and nothing has happened, you still haven’t come back. And it’s not like you’re even getting these letters anyway. It’s not like any of what I say here is going to make a difference.
I’m not giving up though, I promise. I’m just…I don’t know. I’m struggling, baby. A lot. Losing you is always bad enough, but losing you like this…
I really just need you to come home…please.
Love,
Ben x
25 December 1996
Dear Evie,
It’s Christmas and I’m back in Fleet with Mum and Dad and Rachel. But not you. You should be here, Evie, and what makes it a million times worse is that everyone’s stopped asking me about you. Everyone’s stopped asking where you are or what the hell happened between us or when you’re ever coming back.
And as much as I hated the questions, as much as I hated the constant reminder of everything that had happened between us, it’s only now that they’ve stopped that I realise how much I needed them. I needed them to help me keep you real, to help keep you with me. I’m afraid that if everyone just starts pretending you never existed, that somehow you won’t. That you’ll really disappear this time and I won’t ever get you back.
And I can’t let that happen, Evie…I really can’t.
God, I miss you so much. So much. Nothing is the same without you here to share it with. None of this means anything anymore and I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I need you to come back, Evie. Please…please I’m begging you baby, I’ll do anything. Please just give me a chance to explain.
I love you more than anything,
Ben xx
28 February 1997
Dear Evie,
It’s your 21st birthday today.
Happy birthday, baby.
It’s also been a whole year since you disappeared and I still don’t know where you are. We’ve never been apart like this before and it’s killing me because I don’t know if you just haven’t remembered me yet, or because you really don’t want to see me anymore.
I miss you so much, Evie. I miss talking to
I’ve left my details with Sarah and with Mum and Dad. Rachel too, although she’s still living at home for the moment. They all know how to reach me, ok? And there’s Paul’s mum too, if that helps. I guess I don’t know who you’re going to reach out to. Maybe it won’t be me. I hope so, but I’m kind of thinking it won’t. I don’t know how things are going to go when your memories come back. I know when it happens you remember everything, so I know that means when you do, you’ll remember everything about that night too.
So Sarah, ok. If you have to talk to someone, talk to Sarah. She knows everything. Well, not about you disappearing, but she knows everything about that night, about what really happened. We’ve spent a lot of time together, trying to work out where you are. It’s been strange, searching like that when I can’t tell her the full story. But I’ve spent a lot of time telling her about what really happened that night, what that stupid girl did, what I didn’t do. She’s so worried about you, Evie. So am I.
We both just miss you, baby, so much.
Please…please come back.
I love you,
Ben x
15 August 1996
Dear Evie,
It’s been a while I know and I’m sorry. I just…I’ve been so busy with work and training and courses and shit. Although none of that’s why I haven’t written. I just…I’m just so fucking lonely, Evie. So lonely and sad and hurt and I just don’t know what to say to you. I don’t want to just write these things down, I want to talk to you, see you. I want to be with you, Evie.
I’d apologise a million times over if I thought it was going to bring you back to me. But you know what, I’ve done that and nothing has happened, you still haven’t come back. And it’s not like you’re even getting these letters anyway. It’s not like any of what I say here is going to make a difference.
I’m not giving up though, I promise. I’m just…I don’t know. I’m struggling, baby. A lot. Losing you is always bad enough, but losing you like this…
I really just need you to come home…please.
Love,
Ben x
25 December 1996
Dear Evie,
It’s Christmas and I’m back in Fleet with Mum and Dad and Rachel. But not you. You should be here, Evie, and what makes it a million times worse is that everyone’s stopped asking me about you. Everyone’s stopped asking where you are or what the hell happened between us or when you’re ever coming back.
And as much as I hated the questions, as much as I hated the constant reminder of everything that had happened between us, it’s only now that they’ve stopped that I realise how much I needed them. I needed them to help me keep you real, to help keep you with me. I’m afraid that if everyone just starts pretending you never existed, that somehow you won’t. That you’ll really disappear this time and I won’t ever get you back.
And I can’t let that happen, Evie…I really can’t.
God, I miss you so much. So much. Nothing is the same without you here to share it with. None of this means anything anymore and I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I need you to come back, Evie. Please…please I’m begging you baby, I’ll do anything. Please just give me a chance to explain.
I love you more than anything,
Ben xx
28 February 1997
Dear Evie,
It’s your 21st birthday today.
Happy birthday, baby.
It’s also been a whole year since you disappeared and I still don’t know where you are. We’ve never been apart like this before and it’s killing me because I don’t know if you just haven’t remembered me yet, or because you really don’t want to see me anymore.
I miss you so much, Evie. I miss talking to
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