To Feel Stuff by Andrea Seigel

exactly.”
    â€œElodie,” he said, still trying to smile, “have you ever heard of Raynaud’s phenomenon?”
    I asked him, “What’s the treatment?”
    â€œSo you’ve heard of it.”
    â€œNo, but I can tell I have it from the way you’re approaching the subject.”
    The doctor pulled over his rolling stool and took a seat. He placed the clipboard on his lap, which told me that he was getting down to business.
    â€œWhat Raynaud’s is, basically, in simplest terms, is an abnormal reduction of blood flow to the peripheral arteries and arterioles. This is usually brought on by stress, or cold weather—”
    â€˜I’m following,” I said.
    â€œAnd I think, fundamentally, what happened today was that your exposure to the weather caused vasospasms in those parts of your body that went through the color changes, and the changes in sensation—”
    â€œRight.”
    â€œAnd this would make sense because the disease most often affects women and shows itself between puberty and middle age. A little earlier, actually, but you’re right in that bracket. But tell me this: have you ever had symptoms like this during the winter before? Even to a lesser degree? Maybe just a slight tingling in your fingers, and you suspected it was just a temporary circulation problem?”
    â€œI’ve never felt anything like that before,” I replied, “but I’ve also never been outside during the winter.”
    I watched the doctor’s eyebrows dive together. “What do you mean?”
    â€œI’ve been in bed through every winter I’ve spent in Providence,” I said. “Freshman year I was out for the spring, but the temperature was already in the sixties then. I’ve been out in the beginning of fall and during various points of the summer, but I’ve never spent time outside during the winter. Today was the first time I’ve walked in snow since I was small. Once my parents took me on a vacation to Lake Arrowhead.”
    â€œSo it’s possible,” the doctor thought out loud, “that you’ve been a Raynaud’s sufferer for a while, but, because you’d never been exposed to your particular catalyst, the phenomenon never revealed itself before now.”
    â€œThat seems like it could be true.”
    â€œWell, we’ll do some tests. I think it’s smart if we also check you out thoroughly and make sure you haven’t exacerbated any of your other conditions.” Looking down at my history, the doctor asked, “The TB was on its way out, wasn’t it?”
    â€œI was out of the infectious stage.”
    â€œAnd how do you feel right now?
    â€œThis instant?”
    â€œYes.”
    â€œPhysically, the same as usual. Doctor Wainscott, how do you treat the Raynaud’s? Drugs?”
    He stood up from the stool and wouldn’t even look at me. “There are some drugs I can give you, but I don’t necessarily know that I’m going to prescribe anything since the side effects can give patients more trouble than the Raynaud’s itself.”
    â€œCan you give me an idea of recovery time?”
    He turned his back to me while I changed into a hospital gown. “Well, Elodie, Raynaud’s isn’t really a disease you recover from.”
    I started to get naked. I envision you thinking that this was a sexy moment, but it really wasn’t. The ER is very unsexy.
    â€œIf this is Raynaud’s, you’re just going to have to watch yourself carefully in cold climates. It might affect where you decide to settle down after college, but I don’t think it will ever be as debilitating for you as—”
    My jeans fell onto the floor, and they made the sound my remaining enthusiasm would’ve made if it weren’t trapped inside my body. My thoughts went to you then, back in the infirmary. I remember thinking something like “I am always going to be