get that luxury. I force a deep breath in. I’m doing what I’m doing and nothing will change that. Eternal perspective. I’m really going to need to chant that over and over. “Well, no wonder you feel pressure to get married again. It seems like people are coming at you from all sides.” I wonder if my attempt at teasing came off well at all.
She looks down. If I had to guess, I’d say she was embarrassed again. “I don’t know why. I’m a complete mess, I don’t know what to do with my own son, and I think about Matt more than I should for someone who wants to move on.”
“But you want to. You said that, right?” Just not yet. That’s good for me.
“Guess it’s a matter of timing.” Our eyes lock and I have to look away before someone notices. How would they not when I’m feeling what I feel around her? How does everyone in the room not see the way I’m looking at her? Does she see? Does she notice?
“I’m in no position to give you counsel, Jaycee, but just keep being prayerful and trust that voice above everything else.” And all I can do is to pray that Heavenly Father tells her what He tells me when we’re close. That this could be it. Worth waiting for. Worth doing everything right for.
17
JAYCEE
We’re finishing the last of our meal at Paul’s house. Well, Bishop Allen ’s. Kyla and Tom are here as well as the missionaries. And I know it shouldn’t matter, and I know I shouldn’t care, but it feels good to be around Elder Worthen. Well, being around him is a mix of two things. The first, just making me feel good and wanting more. The second, is guilt for feeling the first thing both because he’s a missionary and Matt. Well, and I guess there’s also the frustration of knowing I have to be careful about what I say and how I act around him. If there’s any way he feels the same. If I should be jumping into feeling this way about anyone.
“We’re really proud of you girls for getting out of here like you are. It’s not easy.” Paul leans back in his chair.
“Well I’m being drug by my sister.” I stand up and begin to clear the dishes.
He chuckles. “Still.”
“We have Tom’s family.” Kyla plants a kiss on his shoulder.
“What are you going to be doing there?” Elder Barris asks.
Tom rambles off his new title having to do with business and management. The table and the kitchen are in one big room and clearing goes fast. I turn on the water as hot as I can st and it and begin to scrub dishes. I feel bad, but I have no interest in what Tom’s up to, and everyone else seems fascinated by business and leadership strategy.
“Can I help?” Elder Worthen is way too close.
I breathe in. Maybe he’s just close enough. And I should tell him to relax and sit down, that I’ll get it. “Thanks. That’d be great.”
Our last conversation he’d asked me about Matt. I’d given him a half-story.
“Good.” He chuckles. “I’m more of a run-your-own business kind of a guy and they’re talking about tiers and group life insurance and I don’t know what all.”
I laugh with him and hand him a soapy plate , which he immediately begins to rinse. We’re silent for a moment, just washing.
If I’m going to say something, I need to just do it, right? I mean, there’s only so much I can say to him while he’s a missionary, and I should probably take advantage of this brief moment we have to talk. “Matt and I never went to the temple. I mean, I’ve never been. I’m surprised you guys haven’t brought it up.” I don’t look at him, just pick up a bowl and scrub.
“We were told not to, but not why.”
“Oh.” My eyes flash back to Paul. His elbows are resting on the table and his attention is on Tom. “Bishop Allen’s just watching out for me, that’s all.”
“Bad subject?”
“Emotional subject.” I hand him a glass.
“Sorry, you don’t have to…”
“I want you to know.” I still can’t look at him. “Matt loved me like I
She looks down. If I had to guess, I’d say she was embarrassed again. “I don’t know why. I’m a complete mess, I don’t know what to do with my own son, and I think about Matt more than I should for someone who wants to move on.”
“But you want to. You said that, right?” Just not yet. That’s good for me.
“Guess it’s a matter of timing.” Our eyes lock and I have to look away before someone notices. How would they not when I’m feeling what I feel around her? How does everyone in the room not see the way I’m looking at her? Does she see? Does she notice?
“I’m in no position to give you counsel, Jaycee, but just keep being prayerful and trust that voice above everything else.” And all I can do is to pray that Heavenly Father tells her what He tells me when we’re close. That this could be it. Worth waiting for. Worth doing everything right for.
17
JAYCEE
We’re finishing the last of our meal at Paul’s house. Well, Bishop Allen ’s. Kyla and Tom are here as well as the missionaries. And I know it shouldn’t matter, and I know I shouldn’t care, but it feels good to be around Elder Worthen. Well, being around him is a mix of two things. The first, just making me feel good and wanting more. The second, is guilt for feeling the first thing both because he’s a missionary and Matt. Well, and I guess there’s also the frustration of knowing I have to be careful about what I say and how I act around him. If there’s any way he feels the same. If I should be jumping into feeling this way about anyone.
“We’re really proud of you girls for getting out of here like you are. It’s not easy.” Paul leans back in his chair.
“Well I’m being drug by my sister.” I stand up and begin to clear the dishes.
He chuckles. “Still.”
“We have Tom’s family.” Kyla plants a kiss on his shoulder.
“What are you going to be doing there?” Elder Barris asks.
Tom rambles off his new title having to do with business and management. The table and the kitchen are in one big room and clearing goes fast. I turn on the water as hot as I can st and it and begin to scrub dishes. I feel bad, but I have no interest in what Tom’s up to, and everyone else seems fascinated by business and leadership strategy.
“Can I help?” Elder Worthen is way too close.
I breathe in. Maybe he’s just close enough. And I should tell him to relax and sit down, that I’ll get it. “Thanks. That’d be great.”
Our last conversation he’d asked me about Matt. I’d given him a half-story.
“Good.” He chuckles. “I’m more of a run-your-own business kind of a guy and they’re talking about tiers and group life insurance and I don’t know what all.”
I laugh with him and hand him a soapy plate , which he immediately begins to rinse. We’re silent for a moment, just washing.
If I’m going to say something, I need to just do it, right? I mean, there’s only so much I can say to him while he’s a missionary, and I should probably take advantage of this brief moment we have to talk. “Matt and I never went to the temple. I mean, I’ve never been. I’m surprised you guys haven’t brought it up.” I don’t look at him, just pick up a bowl and scrub.
“We were told not to, but not why.”
“Oh.” My eyes flash back to Paul. His elbows are resting on the table and his attention is on Tom. “Bishop Allen’s just watching out for me, that’s all.”
“Bad subject?”
“Emotional subject.” I hand him a glass.
“Sorry, you don’t have to…”
“I want you to know.” I still can’t look at him. “Matt loved me like I
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