The Weight of Love by Jolene Betty Perry Page B

thank you.” His voice is soft, serious. Crap. I know what this means. This means that he likes me more than he should. Probably more than I’m ready for, from him.
    “Yeah, sure.” I’m afraid to say anything else.
    “Well, I hope to talk to you soon, Jaycee.”
    “Okay, bye.” I hang up and almost drop the phone in an attempt to get away from it. I’m ridiculous.
    “Mom?” Bridger asks.
    “Yep?” I turn toward him. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to just be with him. In all this mess of learning, and lists and understanding, I don’t know what to say to him. I must be a horrible mother.
    “Can you watch a movie with me tonight?”
    “Sure.” I smile even though he isn’t really looking at me.
    He’s swinging his body from side to side, smooth, easy. “Stimming” it’s called. Self-stimulation. It relaxes him even better than Legos. Two people have told me to make him stop and two have told me to let him do it, especially since it works so well for him. I listen to the second two.
    “And a snack?” he asks.
    “Can we do apples?”
    “But no yogurt.” His upper lip comes up in disgust.
    I chuckle. “Apples, no yogurt. Got it.” When I smile, he smiles back, even though his face doesn’t look straight at mine.
    He’s watching me, gauging my reactions to him. I’m learning that’s a good thing. “I’ll start the movie.” He dashes back to my room.
    And now I don’t care about Luke or moving, or Bridger’s problems or Kyla or anything. Tonight, and right now, all I have to do is slice up apples, watch a movie with my son, and fall asleep. My body relaxes. It feels like the first step in Bridger once again becoming my happy place. I hadn’t even realized that he was taken away from that special spot with all the confusion at the beginning of the year. But now that I’m looking forward to just hanging with him? Lightness floats over me and I smile because the weight of wanting so much for him has eased. I smile just for me, without thinking, without reacting to anyone else in the room.
    And right now, this is all I want.

     
     
    18
    ELDER WORTHEN
     
    Jaycee sits comfortably on the edge of the stage, letting her legs hang down. She’s watching the youth play kickball, but I’d guess she doesn’t actually see any of it. Her eyes have that odd, blank stare. I wonder what has her distracted, and I wish I could take her hand in mine to ask her. Instead I’m watching her from across the room, hoping no one will notice.
    I’m realizing that my days have been separated into two things. One – days I see Jaycee, and two – all the other days that I’m really trying to be mentally present for. I’ve only been half successful.
    The bishop stands at the edge of the stage.
    “Oh, I wanted to talk to Bishop Allen.” Elder Barris nudges my arm with his.
    Perfect. I follow him over. I lean against the stage next to Jaycee while the Bishop and my companion catch up on details I no longer care about. He can catch me up later, anyway.
    “How are you?” I ask.
    “Fine.” She sighs. Her hands are pressed against the floor on the edge of the stage, leaving her gentle fingers facing the floor.
    I put my hands on the stage behind me, letting my one hand touch hers as I pull myself up. We’re not sitting too close, but our hands touch for a moment, which probably makes me really, really bad.
    “You look distracted today.”
    “Oh.” Her eyes go from the game to me and I swear she blushes as our eyes meet. “Bridger, school and me having to leave the front desk, again, to deal with a problem.” She lets out another long breath.
    “I’m sorry. I wish I could help.”
    She laughs. “He and I had this great night last night, and then he didn’t want to leave me at school today. He knows I work in the front office so he came running up twice. I’m worried about how to get through the summer with no job and a kid who wants nothing but his mom. The idea of moving is scary.”
    I watch her in d