The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs

one of the nurses had made in administering medication. My friend raced to the hospital, and as soon as he could, called John to apologize and to see if they could reschedule the lunch. John was cool on the phone and agreed to meet at some future date. After that, my friend didn’t hear from John for weeks, even though he left several messages on his answering machine. When they finally did speak some months after the lunch incident, John was irate with my friend and accused him of never caring enough and having been a terrible friend. He angrily declared that the friendship was now over.
    My friend was truly devastated over the incident. He felt bad about having had to cancel the lunch, but at the same time he knew that he had no other choice. No matter how much he tried to explain this to John, it didn’t seem to matter. John had perceived
the incident as deeply invalidating and was clearly very angry about it.
    Perhaps in reading this example you may feel that John was unusually childish and rash in his response. And he was. But take a moment and consider that if you have known other gay men in stage two, then you have had similar experiences. You may even be able to recall times when you reacted just as John did. I’m certainly not proud of it, but I must admit that I can.
    When a gay man experiences a low tolerance for invalidation, he is highly distressed by whatever perceived invalidation he experiences, and it is only logical that he would take action to relieve that distress. That action, or shall I call it a reaction, usually involves either removing himself from the invalidating situation, silencing the source of invalidation, or both.
    â€œMy last boyfriend was so sensitive that he’d walk out of the house just because he thought I gave him a dirty look. Even when I was trying to be loving and understanding, he’d find some way that I was being critical or mean. Living with him was like walking on thin ice . . . you never knew when it would break and you’d plunge into freezing cold water.”
    ANTONIO FROM ATLANTA, GA
    In practical terms, this means that we either avoid the person who is invalidating us or we strike out at them verbally, physically, or passively. In the case of John, he verbally attacked my friend and then avoided potential future invalidation by terminating the friendship.
    There are many ways a gay man in stage two might react to invalidation. If he is in a position of power, he may fire the employee on the spot who invalidates his decision-making abilities. Or he may walk off the job when the boss points out a problem
in his work. He may verbally shred a neighbor who objects to the addition he is planning for his house.
    These, of course, are very active and obvious ways the gay man in stage two may react to invalidation. As mentioned earlier, however, there are also more passive means. He may not be able to afford to walk off the job when a coworker criticizes his work, but for months afterward he simply refuses to be helpful in any way or sabotages the coworker’s project by acting as if he never received the memo asking him for assistance. He may emotionally shut down with his lover after a perceived invalidation and refuse to share anything other than the mundane details of life for some time following the incident.
    Without a doubt, sex is a major source of invalidation within relationships between gay men. When one partner refuses the other partner’s bid for sex, it can start a chain of sexual withholding that has destroyed more than few gay male relationships. The rejected partner perceives a deep and intolerable invalidation by being turned down, and he reacts by withdrawing sexually. The other partner, invalidated by this, equally withdraws and the sexual aspect of the relationship goes stale.
    Therapists who work with gay male couples often report seeing this cycle of “mutual invalidation” in their clients’ relationships. I remember