becomes tedious and boring, like a hamster on a treadmill who runs incessantly but will never go anywhere. Very little, if anything, is experienced as validating.
The resolution of this depression is the same thing that takes all gay men from stage two to stage three. In short, he must discover the secret of authentic validation.
The primary thrust of stage two is achieving validation as compensation for shame. Along with this naturally follows a
very low tolerance for invalidation. Stage two is a race against shameâpushing as hard as we can to earn the prize that will make it all worthwhile. The problem arises, however, in that not all validation really satisfies us. Some forms of validation, the more inauthentic forms, briefly gratify our hunger but ultimately only whet our appetite for more. In the end, it is only authentic validation that truly satisfies us, and when we are starved for authentic validation, depression inevitably overtakes us.
The harsh reality of stage two is that the gay man often pursues sources of inauthentic validation. Why? Because he hasnât yet discovered the essential part of himself. Having lived with the belief that he was critically flawed, his true self was abandoned and he pursued other, more appealing personas.
The steep climb out of stage two and the depression it can sometimes trigger is found in the simple process of rediscovering the essence of the self. It is a complete upheaval of life that ultimately destroys everything that was once dear and sacred, and preserves only that which is real and honest.
In order to discover the self, we must first face our core of shame. We must acknowledge that we have long held a belief in our own reprehension, and this belief has directed our life, and not for the better. Perhaps this seems the obvious and logical path as we objectively consider shame, but the subjective experience of facing toxic shame is utterly wrenching. It quakes even the most stable part of our soul, and leaves us terrified by the knowledge that we know nothing of who we truly are.
This exposure to toxic shame causes it to erode and melt, eventually leaving us for good. Like fear or any other distressing emotion, prolonged exposure diminishes its power over us. When we stand and face that wicked witch, she dissolves under the power of our steadfast gaze.
The end of stage two is inevitably the dark night of the soul for the gay man. It is a time when he may untie every anchor to his small vessel. Relationships are often ended. Career choices are frequently questioned. Friendships are dismissed. The meaning of life is rejected, revised, destroyed, and reinvented. And while the extent to which a gay man displays this angst upon his face and life may vary, the internal process is always tough and grim. Some retreat into a period of mostly silent contemplation. Others become activated, expressing their struggle to all who will hear. Each slight variation of personality has its own way of expressing the process, but the result is the same: elimination of shame and the birth of authenticity.
Chapter 8
STUCK IN I SHAME:
THE VICIOUS CYCLE
T he first two stages of the gay manâs emotional life contain within them a troubling and self-defeating cycle that is often difficult to break. In fact, it is this vicious cycle that keeps some gay men locked into stages one and two for a lifetime.
The vicious cycle is an inability to learn from oneâs mistakes in life as a result of avoiding shame. Mistakes are one of the primary causes of justifiable shame. Therefore, when a gay man in stage one or two makes a mistake, he is slow to admit it and stubbornly refuses to revisit the mistake in order to learn how he might do things better. He may employ defensive behaviors such as blaming the mistake on others, denial, and being slow or refusing to acknowledge the mistake.
Randy had been frustrated with his job for several months. He had quickly shimmied up the management
The resolution of this depression is the same thing that takes all gay men from stage two to stage three. In short, he must discover the secret of authentic validation.
The primary thrust of stage two is achieving validation as compensation for shame. Along with this naturally follows a
very low tolerance for invalidation. Stage two is a race against shameâpushing as hard as we can to earn the prize that will make it all worthwhile. The problem arises, however, in that not all validation really satisfies us. Some forms of validation, the more inauthentic forms, briefly gratify our hunger but ultimately only whet our appetite for more. In the end, it is only authentic validation that truly satisfies us, and when we are starved for authentic validation, depression inevitably overtakes us.
The harsh reality of stage two is that the gay man often pursues sources of inauthentic validation. Why? Because he hasnât yet discovered the essential part of himself. Having lived with the belief that he was critically flawed, his true self was abandoned and he pursued other, more appealing personas.
The steep climb out of stage two and the depression it can sometimes trigger is found in the simple process of rediscovering the essence of the self. It is a complete upheaval of life that ultimately destroys everything that was once dear and sacred, and preserves only that which is real and honest.
In order to discover the self, we must first face our core of shame. We must acknowledge that we have long held a belief in our own reprehension, and this belief has directed our life, and not for the better. Perhaps this seems the obvious and logical path as we objectively consider shame, but the subjective experience of facing toxic shame is utterly wrenching. It quakes even the most stable part of our soul, and leaves us terrified by the knowledge that we know nothing of who we truly are.
This exposure to toxic shame causes it to erode and melt, eventually leaving us for good. Like fear or any other distressing emotion, prolonged exposure diminishes its power over us. When we stand and face that wicked witch, she dissolves under the power of our steadfast gaze.
The end of stage two is inevitably the dark night of the soul for the gay man. It is a time when he may untie every anchor to his small vessel. Relationships are often ended. Career choices are frequently questioned. Friendships are dismissed. The meaning of life is rejected, revised, destroyed, and reinvented. And while the extent to which a gay man displays this angst upon his face and life may vary, the internal process is always tough and grim. Some retreat into a period of mostly silent contemplation. Others become activated, expressing their struggle to all who will hear. Each slight variation of personality has its own way of expressing the process, but the result is the same: elimination of shame and the birth of authenticity.
Chapter 8
STUCK IN I SHAME:
THE VICIOUS CYCLE
T he first two stages of the gay manâs emotional life contain within them a troubling and self-defeating cycle that is often difficult to break. In fact, it is this vicious cycle that keeps some gay men locked into stages one and two for a lifetime.
The vicious cycle is an inability to learn from oneâs mistakes in life as a result of avoiding shame. Mistakes are one of the primary causes of justifiable shame. Therefore, when a gay man in stage one or two makes a mistake, he is slow to admit it and stubbornly refuses to revisit the mistake in order to learn how he might do things better. He may employ defensive behaviors such as blaming the mistake on others, denial, and being slow or refusing to acknowledge the mistake.
Randy had been frustrated with his job for several months. He had quickly shimmied up the management
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