The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved by Matthew Kelly
Authors: Matthew Kelly
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of your imagination.
I see it all the time in certain friends, whom I call serial daters. One of them will start dating someone; everything is wonderful, until one day he actually gets to know the person a little, and perhaps she expresses an opinion that is a little “out there” (meaning that it is different from his). Before you know it, he has broken up with her. You want to shake him and say, “No, she wasn’t perfect. But guess what? Neither are you.”
All relationships have problems, so don’t react by breaking off your relationship because of something you read in a book, mine or anyone else’s.
If you’re not happy, there is no point in just jumping into the next relationship. You have to try to work out why this one isn’t working, or why the last one didn’t work. You also have to give some serious thought to why you ended up in this relationship that isn’t working. You are not completely responsible, but neither is your partner. It also may help to look at other past relationships. Is a pattern emerging? Why do you end up in relationships like this?
It may very well be that what you need to do is end your relationship, and if this book is what brought you to that realization and it is the right thing for you to do—wonderful! But make sure you are doing it for all the right reasons, not just chasing another illusion.
S ECONDARY R ELATIONSHIPS
B
eyond our primary relationship we are all involved in literally hundreds of secondary relationships. Some are very important to us, like the relationship between parents and children; others may be relatively insignificant, like your relationship with the security guard where you work. That the relationship is not significant doesn’t mean you are not friendly and courteous; it simply means the relationship doesn’t have a high priority.
Higher-level secondary relationships could include those with parents, children, siblings, in-laws, friends, colleagues at work, your employer or employees, or perhaps a business partner.
Our primary relationship tends to have a tremendous impact on our secondary relationships, and vice versa. If your husband has just told you he wants a divorce, you can be sure this is going to affect the way you relate to just about everyone else in your life. If your girlfriend has just been told she has a brain tumor, that situation is a part of your relationship, and it will affect the way you go about your daily activities and relate with others. If your wedding is six weeks away and you’re not sure you can trust your fiancé, that’s going to affect the way you relate to people.
These things affect our relationships with others by influencing what we talk about with them, how we filter and process what they say to us; and they significantly affect the level of energy we have to help others deal with their emotional struggles.
Many years ago, I was dating a young woman while at the time I had a particularly bothersome employee. The employee was unreliable, untrustworthy, and didn’t take instruction well, but overnight reallocation of her role and responsibilities was not possible. I didn’t realize how frustrated I was, nor did I realize how much it was affecting the other areas of my life. I certainly didn’t realize how much I had been discussing it with my girlfriend. One night we were out to dinner and as I was talking about my employee, a look came across my girlfriend’s face. “You know we spend more time talking about her than we spend talking about us!” she said. So the negative relationship with my employee was damaging my relationship with my girlfriend.
Primary and secondary relationships have a way of influencing each other. Pleasant and unpleasant things happen to us every single day of our lives. Great relationships magnify the good things that happen to us and make the unpleasant things bearable.
When something wonderful happens to you, who are the first people you want to tell?
When tragedy
I see it all the time in certain friends, whom I call serial daters. One of them will start dating someone; everything is wonderful, until one day he actually gets to know the person a little, and perhaps she expresses an opinion that is a little “out there” (meaning that it is different from his). Before you know it, he has broken up with her. You want to shake him and say, “No, she wasn’t perfect. But guess what? Neither are you.”
All relationships have problems, so don’t react by breaking off your relationship because of something you read in a book, mine or anyone else’s.
If you’re not happy, there is no point in just jumping into the next relationship. You have to try to work out why this one isn’t working, or why the last one didn’t work. You also have to give some serious thought to why you ended up in this relationship that isn’t working. You are not completely responsible, but neither is your partner. It also may help to look at other past relationships. Is a pattern emerging? Why do you end up in relationships like this?
It may very well be that what you need to do is end your relationship, and if this book is what brought you to that realization and it is the right thing for you to do—wonderful! But make sure you are doing it for all the right reasons, not just chasing another illusion.
S ECONDARY R ELATIONSHIPS
B
eyond our primary relationship we are all involved in literally hundreds of secondary relationships. Some are very important to us, like the relationship between parents and children; others may be relatively insignificant, like your relationship with the security guard where you work. That the relationship is not significant doesn’t mean you are not friendly and courteous; it simply means the relationship doesn’t have a high priority.
Higher-level secondary relationships could include those with parents, children, siblings, in-laws, friends, colleagues at work, your employer or employees, or perhaps a business partner.
Our primary relationship tends to have a tremendous impact on our secondary relationships, and vice versa. If your husband has just told you he wants a divorce, you can be sure this is going to affect the way you relate to just about everyone else in your life. If your girlfriend has just been told she has a brain tumor, that situation is a part of your relationship, and it will affect the way you go about your daily activities and relate with others. If your wedding is six weeks away and you’re not sure you can trust your fiancé, that’s going to affect the way you relate to people.
These things affect our relationships with others by influencing what we talk about with them, how we filter and process what they say to us; and they significantly affect the level of energy we have to help others deal with their emotional struggles.
Many years ago, I was dating a young woman while at the time I had a particularly bothersome employee. The employee was unreliable, untrustworthy, and didn’t take instruction well, but overnight reallocation of her role and responsibilities was not possible. I didn’t realize how frustrated I was, nor did I realize how much it was affecting the other areas of my life. I certainly didn’t realize how much I had been discussing it with my girlfriend. One night we were out to dinner and as I was talking about my employee, a look came across my girlfriend’s face. “You know we spend more time talking about her than we spend talking about us!” she said. So the negative relationship with my employee was damaging my relationship with my girlfriend.
Primary and secondary relationships have a way of influencing each other. Pleasant and unpleasant things happen to us every single day of our lives. Great relationships magnify the good things that happen to us and make the unpleasant things bearable.
When something wonderful happens to you, who are the first people you want to tell?
When tragedy
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