The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life's Little Imperfections by Lucy Danziger, Catherine Birndorf Page B

antisocial and angry and I’m the only person who puts up with him. He’s single, brilliant, acerbic, and funny, but he’s a tech geek and he spends most of his waking hours alone and not connecting with people in a meaningful way.” She says she has put up with his abuse because “How else is he going to feel loved?”
    Consequently, she regularly gets phone calls during which he yells at her when she doesn’t do exactly what he says, about everything from her landlord situation to her relationship with her husband and anything else he might have an opinion about. She hangs up the phone and wants to cry. She wants him to butt out, but she can’t break the cycle.
    Their parents stay out of it because they’re older and have their own issues with Teddy, since he was always a difficult child who got straight As but was impossible to be with. Sarah feels she is the only one who can save him from total isolation.
    The sibling dynamic is one of the most complicated ones we deal with as adults because both parties are constantly evolving, yet both get stuck in the past. Whether you are the “oldest” or “youngest,” the “smart one” or the “athlete,” the “pleaser” or the “problem child,” Mom’s favorite or Daddy’s Little Princess, the role you had in your family while growing up is nearly impossible to shake.
     
    The problem here: They’re mired in the past. Catherine calls this being “fossilized.” The unconscious process is once again “repetition compulsion.” The question is, what purpose is this pattern serving now? Is this behavior somehow soothing or protecting you? Who benefits and who isallowing it to happen? There may be some emotional benefit, but it’s also keeping you down. Ask yourself: What is this costing you and how is it affecting your happiness?
    For the answer you have to consider the memories in your basement. Catherine says you replicate patterns of how you communicated love as a child, and if you grew up in a house where bickering is a form of connecting, then you perceive that as love. You can’t bicker with your friends or work colleagues or even spouse, since they will read it as a negative emotion. But your sibling understands that bickering is just “our way” and it will be comforting because it is familiar, just like your mom’s beef stew…even if the meat was overcooked and the vegetables were mushy.
    No matter how unhealthy the relationship with a sibling is, you stay “fossilized” as long as you both get something out of it, Catherine says. Often the benefit is the reassuring ping coming back to you, even if it’s a negative one. Perversely, here in the family room, familiarity breeds contentment.
    At some point, though, you have to ask yourself, Are we going to be like this all our lives? Watching Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly in Step Brothers or any of the Judd Apatow movies where the adults act like pre-adolescents, we all laugh because we can relate to them on so many levels. It’s funny and painful at the same time.
    A physical therapist and “soother” by nature, Sarah wants to “fix” hurts and help others feel better. She doesn’t have kids, so Teddy is like her only child. She is gratified by their relationship, except when he gets nasty. She needs to figure out how to get off the phone whenever he gets abusive and tell him, “Teddy, I need to go now, but I will call you later,” and when she does, she can start to turn their conversations in a different direction and stay away from the topics that get him going.
    How can Sarah change the dynamic and set limits when needed? A + B = C. She is A, her brother Teddy is B, and C is the current relationship. She can’t control his behavior, Catherine points out, but she can change their dynamic by pulling back and engaging less, including getting off the phone earlier. She doesn’t need to actually hang up on him, just tell him she has to go now, in a civil way, and then hang up. As long