The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life's Little Imperfections by Lucy Danziger, Catherine Birndorf
Authors: Lucy Danziger, Catherine Birndorf
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transformation and complimented her.
But her success was bittersweet; her transformation initiated a new spate of bitterness from her mother. Still, it made her choice clear. “I was not going to go back to being fat in order for her to love me more, so I decided to be who I wanted to be despite what other people, including my mom, might think. So when Mom says those nasty things I tell her, ‘You know what? I’m happy.’ And that shuts her up.”
“Don’t get too big for your britches” feels dated, like something she can return to the basement and put in a box marked trash, since it no longer holds the same power over her.
Now Jean may get irritated by her mother, but it doesn’t penetrate the same way or cause the old harmful guilt. “I’ve made a decision to value myself, take care of myself again after a lot of years of focusing only on others, and this is the source of my strength.”
So her key process for cleaning up her family room was to stop allowingthe negative pings from her mother to affect everything—her weight, her tiredness, and her stress level. Jean realizes she can shrug off the bad pings.
Jean has things squared away in the bathroom as well. “I look in the mirror and feel proud of my body and what I’ve accomplished, and I think: You’re not too big for your britches, you’re just the right size. ” We’d tell her to think about this as her own personal victory, one that doesn’t reflect on anyone else or their personal baggage or shortcomings. Her body and healthy lifestyle are things to be proud of, to cherish and take care of, and she has accomplished a new level of health, fitness, and total well-being. She can help others by inspiring them, but letting them bring her down helps no one in the end. She can go back to the family room, where the zingers still fly, but now she can say: “Be true to yourself” and don’t let the pings bring you down. Be authentic, and be your best self.
EVERYBODY LOVES ME! WHY NOT MY IN-LAWS?
“I can’t take it—his family hates me. I can’t do anything right by them, especially my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. Yet when I bring this up to my husband, he acts like I’m making it all up and refuses to even acknowledge it’s happening.”
—Joanna, 38; Bernardsville, New Jersey
Joanna, a vibrant, optimistic, and whip-smart mother of two, is fed up with her in-laws and tries to explain to Rick, her husband of twelve years, how miserable his family makes her. He knows Joanna feels excluded and put down by his family, but he doesn’t see how bad they make her feel. Or he doesn’t want to see it.
In fact, when Joanna and Rick visit his family in Massachusetts, everything seems fine while he’s around. It’s when he goes off to play golf with his dad and Joanna is left with her mother-in-law that things go south. Joanna is usually able to hold it together, but on their five-hour drive back home to New Jersey, Joanna confesses that she feels humiliated anddisparaged, especially by Rick’s sister, and that his mother does nothing to stop it. His family adores Rick and has always felt that Joanna was not good enough for him. She had hoped that becoming the mother of his children would turn the tide and make them at least accept her, but they just make her feel bad about her parenting skills—even mocking what she feeds her children (organic food, tofu hot dogs, vegetarian entrees). “They hate everything about me, and it’s just not fair because I try so hard.”
Rick is in denial. He listens to Joanna, but he doesn’t really acknowledge any of her grievances. In the past, he just told her to fight back, dish it right back to his sister. (It works for him!) “Why can’t you just let it roll off you?” he says. “You’re tougher than that.” He tells her that the tension has more to do with Joanna’s need to be loved and to always do the right thing than any egregious behavior on the part of his sister or mom. “Don’t
But her success was bittersweet; her transformation initiated a new spate of bitterness from her mother. Still, it made her choice clear. “I was not going to go back to being fat in order for her to love me more, so I decided to be who I wanted to be despite what other people, including my mom, might think. So when Mom says those nasty things I tell her, ‘You know what? I’m happy.’ And that shuts her up.”
“Don’t get too big for your britches” feels dated, like something she can return to the basement and put in a box marked trash, since it no longer holds the same power over her.
Now Jean may get irritated by her mother, but it doesn’t penetrate the same way or cause the old harmful guilt. “I’ve made a decision to value myself, take care of myself again after a lot of years of focusing only on others, and this is the source of my strength.”
So her key process for cleaning up her family room was to stop allowingthe negative pings from her mother to affect everything—her weight, her tiredness, and her stress level. Jean realizes she can shrug off the bad pings.
Jean has things squared away in the bathroom as well. “I look in the mirror and feel proud of my body and what I’ve accomplished, and I think: You’re not too big for your britches, you’re just the right size. ” We’d tell her to think about this as her own personal victory, one that doesn’t reflect on anyone else or their personal baggage or shortcomings. Her body and healthy lifestyle are things to be proud of, to cherish and take care of, and she has accomplished a new level of health, fitness, and total well-being. She can help others by inspiring them, but letting them bring her down helps no one in the end. She can go back to the family room, where the zingers still fly, but now she can say: “Be true to yourself” and don’t let the pings bring you down. Be authentic, and be your best self.
EVERYBODY LOVES ME! WHY NOT MY IN-LAWS?
“I can’t take it—his family hates me. I can’t do anything right by them, especially my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. Yet when I bring this up to my husband, he acts like I’m making it all up and refuses to even acknowledge it’s happening.”
—Joanna, 38; Bernardsville, New Jersey
Joanna, a vibrant, optimistic, and whip-smart mother of two, is fed up with her in-laws and tries to explain to Rick, her husband of twelve years, how miserable his family makes her. He knows Joanna feels excluded and put down by his family, but he doesn’t see how bad they make her feel. Or he doesn’t want to see it.
In fact, when Joanna and Rick visit his family in Massachusetts, everything seems fine while he’s around. It’s when he goes off to play golf with his dad and Joanna is left with her mother-in-law that things go south. Joanna is usually able to hold it together, but on their five-hour drive back home to New Jersey, Joanna confesses that she feels humiliated anddisparaged, especially by Rick’s sister, and that his mother does nothing to stop it. His family adores Rick and has always felt that Joanna was not good enough for him. She had hoped that becoming the mother of his children would turn the tide and make them at least accept her, but they just make her feel bad about her parenting skills—even mocking what she feeds her children (organic food, tofu hot dogs, vegetarian entrees). “They hate everything about me, and it’s just not fair because I try so hard.”
Rick is in denial. He listens to Joanna, but he doesn’t really acknowledge any of her grievances. In the past, he just told her to fight back, dish it right back to his sister. (It works for him!) “Why can’t you just let it roll off you?” he says. “You’re tougher than that.” He tells her that the tension has more to do with Joanna’s need to be loved and to always do the right thing than any egregious behavior on the part of his sister or mom. “Don’t
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