The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life's Little Imperfections by Lucy Danziger, Catherine Birndorf Page A
Authors: Lucy Danziger, Catherine Birndorf
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take them so seriously.”
Joanna says, “I am not going to get down in the mud with them. I could easily spar with them, but then I’d be as bad as they are. I could tell them their kids always need a bath, or something equally stupid, but that’s not who I want to be. I want to be respectful of my in-laws, and I need his help. He has to get them to stop picking on me.”
It kills Joanna that she can’t win over the in-laws, since most people find her an affable woman. She has done everything she can think of to please her husband’s family, such as always arriving with a gift, and remaking the bed with clean sheets when she leaves. She even gives Rick plenty of time alone with his dad on their visits. She believes most of the tension comes from the fact that her in-laws think she should quit her job and spend all her time making her husband dinner and doting on their children.
“Rather than see me as someone who makes him happy,” she says, “they see me as an interloper, taking away their beloved boy. I always have to defend myself. They forget that Rick is half of our parenting team and is part of all the decisions we make.”
Joanna would quit making these trips altogether except that she treasures the great relationships her kids have with their cousins and grandparents, but she always feels like “an unwanted outsider.”
Catherine points out that Joanna is focusing on the wrong person. Her problem isn’t with her in-laws; it’s actually with Rick. Joanna feels Rick doesn’t stand up for her, and Rick feels Joanna is too sensitive. They need to look closely at their dynamic and acknowledge that there are issues pulling them apart when they visit with Rick’s family. He starts to relate more to his sister and mom, leaving less overlap with Joanna. So suddenly, the Venn diagram of their marriage is thrown out of whack and they fail to connect on parenting and all other issues that aren’t so scrutinized at home. If Joanna and Rick realize they are disconnected from each other in this scenario, they can begin to see that a dysfunctional pattern emerges whenever they go to his family home. They just can’t figure out how to relate to each other when they are overwhelmed by the strong bonds back on Rick’s turf.
The key process here is to reconnect the circles of their Venn diagram, which means Rick and Joanna have to find some common ground when they are with his family. The way they interact is the critical piece of the puzzle, since if Rick is loving and protective and stands with Joanna, the in-laws will follow his lead and treat her with more respect. Once they are more connected, and she feels less left on her own, the dynamic will change.
We would tell Joanna to think about how she contributes to the disconnecting circles. Is she actually encouraging Rick to disappear with his dad but feeling resentful in the end? Is she standing on ceremony with her usual rituals and not being flexible about fitting in with his family? Maybe she can lighten up on the strict diet, or figure out a way to better connect, even if it’s just over the kids. The point isn’t to “win” or occupy the high moral ground; the point is to overlap.
WHO IS GOING TO BE NICE TO HIM IF I’M NOT?
“I feel extremely responsible for my brother Teddy. I’m his sister and I want him to feel loved, but he is both aggressive and manipulative and always has been. There are times whenI just want to hang up on him, except I feel guilty when I think about how bad he’ll feel, so I put up with his haranguing. He just makes me crazy sometimes.”
—Sarah, 37; Palo Alto, California
Sarah fights with her older brother almost every day, and his abusive phone calls are wearing her out. Yes, they love each other, but they are still having the same fight they’ve been having their entire lives, which is about his need to run every aspect of her life. She puts up with it because she feels responsible for him. “Teddy is
Joanna says, “I am not going to get down in the mud with them. I could easily spar with them, but then I’d be as bad as they are. I could tell them their kids always need a bath, or something equally stupid, but that’s not who I want to be. I want to be respectful of my in-laws, and I need his help. He has to get them to stop picking on me.”
It kills Joanna that she can’t win over the in-laws, since most people find her an affable woman. She has done everything she can think of to please her husband’s family, such as always arriving with a gift, and remaking the bed with clean sheets when she leaves. She even gives Rick plenty of time alone with his dad on their visits. She believes most of the tension comes from the fact that her in-laws think she should quit her job and spend all her time making her husband dinner and doting on their children.
“Rather than see me as someone who makes him happy,” she says, “they see me as an interloper, taking away their beloved boy. I always have to defend myself. They forget that Rick is half of our parenting team and is part of all the decisions we make.”
Joanna would quit making these trips altogether except that she treasures the great relationships her kids have with their cousins and grandparents, but she always feels like “an unwanted outsider.”
Catherine points out that Joanna is focusing on the wrong person. Her problem isn’t with her in-laws; it’s actually with Rick. Joanna feels Rick doesn’t stand up for her, and Rick feels Joanna is too sensitive. They need to look closely at their dynamic and acknowledge that there are issues pulling them apart when they visit with Rick’s family. He starts to relate more to his sister and mom, leaving less overlap with Joanna. So suddenly, the Venn diagram of their marriage is thrown out of whack and they fail to connect on parenting and all other issues that aren’t so scrutinized at home. If Joanna and Rick realize they are disconnected from each other in this scenario, they can begin to see that a dysfunctional pattern emerges whenever they go to his family home. They just can’t figure out how to relate to each other when they are overwhelmed by the strong bonds back on Rick’s turf.
The key process here is to reconnect the circles of their Venn diagram, which means Rick and Joanna have to find some common ground when they are with his family. The way they interact is the critical piece of the puzzle, since if Rick is loving and protective and stands with Joanna, the in-laws will follow his lead and treat her with more respect. Once they are more connected, and she feels less left on her own, the dynamic will change.
We would tell Joanna to think about how she contributes to the disconnecting circles. Is she actually encouraging Rick to disappear with his dad but feeling resentful in the end? Is she standing on ceremony with her usual rituals and not being flexible about fitting in with his family? Maybe she can lighten up on the strict diet, or figure out a way to better connect, even if it’s just over the kids. The point isn’t to “win” or occupy the high moral ground; the point is to overlap.
WHO IS GOING TO BE NICE TO HIM IF I’M NOT?
“I feel extremely responsible for my brother Teddy. I’m his sister and I want him to feel loved, but he is both aggressive and manipulative and always has been. There are times whenI just want to hang up on him, except I feel guilty when I think about how bad he’ll feel, so I put up with his haranguing. He just makes me crazy sometimes.”
—Sarah, 37; Palo Alto, California
Sarah fights with her older brother almost every day, and his abusive phone calls are wearing her out. Yes, they love each other, but they are still having the same fight they’ve been having their entire lives, which is about his need to run every aspect of her life. She puts up with it because she feels responsible for him. “Teddy is
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