in a flaccid state, just lying there all crinkled up and cuddled against the body. Even the fabled adolescent penis spends most of its time just resting.
In addition, we should take into account the age-old idea that penises have minds of their own. A man usually comes to this conclusion when he feels aroused and ready for sex but his penis isn’t cooperating. A useful way of looking at this situation is to ask, “Why won’t it cooperate?” or, better still, “What does it need that it isn’t getting?” I used to ask men with erection problems to take the role of their penis and write a letter or essay giving its point of view. The results were quite revealing. Often the penis complained mightily about not getting what it needed (a relaxed owner, a booze-free environment, proper stimulation, and so on) and resented the demands being made on it. An example:
You never pay attention to me unless you want something, and then you want it exactly when you want it, and get angry and threaten me unless I comply. Half the situations you get into scare the hell out of you and that scares me. I’m not at my best when I’m scared. I wantyou to know that unless you pay more attention and give me what I need, like more appealing and less frightening situations, you’re getting zilch. And that’s that!
It may sound strange to hear that penises have needs and can get frightened. But real penises are far more vulnerable and frail than the robotlike machines in the fantasy model. They do have needs. Just as athletes have long known that their muscles and systems work better under certain conditions than others (having to do with rest, nutrition, exercise, temperature, and so on), we now know that penises and sexual systems do the same. In Chapter 6 I’ll talk more about what you and your penis need.
It will pay you to start thinking of your penis as the human organ it is. The more you can regard your penis in a gentler and more humane way, the more you take care of it, the better relationship you’ll have with it and the more it will behave as you want. And when your penis doesn’t do what you want, it pays to listen carefully. It’s trying to tell you something.
PENIS ENVY
Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, had a theory that girls and women were dissatisfied with their own genitals and envied men their penises. They wanted them, too. I have yet to meet a woman who wanted to have her own penis (except on camping trips), although many would like to borrow one from time to time. As a woman friend once put it: “Why would I want a thing like that hanging between my legs? I’d be afraid I’d sit on it.”
I think, however, that Freud was partly right about penis envy. It exists, but only in males. Almost every male seems to envy someone else’s penis. He wants one that’s longer, wider, harder, with more staying power, and he assumes that some other man or lots of other men have one just like that.
One reason we are so unhappy with our penises is the superhuman expectations we have learned. Having repeatedly read and heard about gargantuan, hard-as-steel ramrods, our own real penises don’t seem like much. How can anything real seem adequate compared to the telephone poles we read about?
And most heterosexual men have never seen another erect penis, or at least not a typical one. The ones we are likely to have seen, in pornographic movies and magazines, are not representative.The producers of these films conduct broad searches for the biggest phalluses in existence.Given the absence of reasonable standards, there is good reason for us to wonder about the adequacy of our own organs.
HOW LARGE IS ENOUGH?
Like all other physical characteristics, penises do differ in size and shape. As indicated in Figures 1 and 2 , some are longer, some shorter; some are broader or wider, some narrower; some curve or bend to the right, some to the left, some not at all; some point upward when erect, some downward, some
In addition, we should take into account the age-old idea that penises have minds of their own. A man usually comes to this conclusion when he feels aroused and ready for sex but his penis isn’t cooperating. A useful way of looking at this situation is to ask, “Why won’t it cooperate?” or, better still, “What does it need that it isn’t getting?” I used to ask men with erection problems to take the role of their penis and write a letter or essay giving its point of view. The results were quite revealing. Often the penis complained mightily about not getting what it needed (a relaxed owner, a booze-free environment, proper stimulation, and so on) and resented the demands being made on it. An example:
You never pay attention to me unless you want something, and then you want it exactly when you want it, and get angry and threaten me unless I comply. Half the situations you get into scare the hell out of you and that scares me. I’m not at my best when I’m scared. I wantyou to know that unless you pay more attention and give me what I need, like more appealing and less frightening situations, you’re getting zilch. And that’s that!
It may sound strange to hear that penises have needs and can get frightened. But real penises are far more vulnerable and frail than the robotlike machines in the fantasy model. They do have needs. Just as athletes have long known that their muscles and systems work better under certain conditions than others (having to do with rest, nutrition, exercise, temperature, and so on), we now know that penises and sexual systems do the same. In Chapter 6 I’ll talk more about what you and your penis need.
It will pay you to start thinking of your penis as the human organ it is. The more you can regard your penis in a gentler and more humane way, the more you take care of it, the better relationship you’ll have with it and the more it will behave as you want. And when your penis doesn’t do what you want, it pays to listen carefully. It’s trying to tell you something.
PENIS ENVY
Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, had a theory that girls and women were dissatisfied with their own genitals and envied men their penises. They wanted them, too. I have yet to meet a woman who wanted to have her own penis (except on camping trips), although many would like to borrow one from time to time. As a woman friend once put it: “Why would I want a thing like that hanging between my legs? I’d be afraid I’d sit on it.”
I think, however, that Freud was partly right about penis envy. It exists, but only in males. Almost every male seems to envy someone else’s penis. He wants one that’s longer, wider, harder, with more staying power, and he assumes that some other man or lots of other men have one just like that.
One reason we are so unhappy with our penises is the superhuman expectations we have learned. Having repeatedly read and heard about gargantuan, hard-as-steel ramrods, our own real penises don’t seem like much. How can anything real seem adequate compared to the telephone poles we read about?
And most heterosexual men have never seen another erect penis, or at least not a typical one. The ones we are likely to have seen, in pornographic movies and magazines, are not representative.The producers of these films conduct broad searches for the biggest phalluses in existence.Given the absence of reasonable standards, there is good reason for us to wonder about the adequacy of our own organs.
HOW LARGE IS ENOUGH?
Like all other physical characteristics, penises do differ in size and shape. As indicated in Figures 1 and 2 , some are longer, some shorter; some are broader or wider, some narrower; some curve or bend to the right, some to the left, some not at all; some point upward when erect, some downward, some
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