the other is trying to make love, or if one wants a stress reliever or sleeping potion while the other has something else in mind. Clear communication is a must.
I hope you’ll go over the ideas in this chapter and share them, or at least the ideas that appeal to you, with your partner. While I certainly haven’t covered all the possibilities, I hope I’ve made you aware that sex isn’t any one thing and isn’t confined to any one script or routine. With skin all over our bodies, with hands, mouths, breasts, penises (hard or soft), clitorides, vaginas (wet or dry), and anuses, and with incredibly powerful and creative minds to work with and lots of different emotions that we can experience, we have lots and lots of possibilities.
Of course, there’s no rule that you have to like all the options. Some may not appeal to you, and some may not appeal to your partner. But I hope that at least a few of them will sound attractive enough to both of you to warrant a bit of experimentation. You’ll have more sex and better sex if you’re open to a number of possibilities.
CHAPTER FOUR
What Is This Thing
Called a Penis?
You would think I’d know better. I mean, I’m well educated and have read a lot about sex. But I still believe that I’d be more attractive to women and a better lover if my penis was an inch or two longer and an inch wider . —Man, 28
My big wish is that my cock were exactly like my hand. If I told it to stand up, it would stand up. If I told it to lie down, it would lie down. Why can’t I have the same control over my penis that I have over all my other appendages?— Man, 50
In this chapter I discuss the issues about penises that have been of most interest to the men I’ve worked with. I’ve been surprised to discover over the years how ignorant many men are about this organ that means so much to them. Some basic knowledge can be helpful. I won’t bore you with irrelevant details, but I will discuss what penises are, what can reasonably be expected from them, and what happens to them as they age.
Let’s start with how we think and feel about our penises.
TOWARD A FRIENDLIER AND MORE REALISTIC VIEW OF OUR PENISES
To say the least, we men have mixed feelings. Our penises are very important to us. They are the main distinguishing characteristic between us and women, and they are a source of great pleasure. But there’s often a sense of unease or discontent with our organs. We fear that they may not be up tosnuff in terms of size, power, and predictability. This does not feel right or good. We fear that, sooner or later, they are going to disappoint and embarrass us.
Some men are on friendly terms with their penises. They like them for the pleasure they provide and see them as a kind of friend, sometimes even giving them pet names. Other men, however, are in a state of near war with their cocks. They speak cajolingly, angrily, or threateningly to them: “Come on, please, you can do it, yes you can”; “You better come through for me, you son of a bitch”; “I’ll break your neck if you don’t get hard.” This kind of self-talk is often caused by the penis’s failure to do what its owner wants, or fear of such a failure. Whatever the reason, it is not conducive to friendly relations.
Being on better terms with our penises is made difficult by the common terms we have for them— cock, prick, rod, tool, ramrod, hard-on, dick . These words sound harsh and do not contribute to a sense of warmth, gentleness, or friendliness. They fit right in, of course, with the view of penises in fantasyland, always throbbing, thrashing, banging, ramming, thrusting. You’d think a penis was a weapon of war rather than an instrument of pleasure and love.
This depiction is neither realistic nor useful. We need something more accurate and helpful. Consider that the penis is very soft. Even when fully erect, the skin is velvety and smooth. Consider also that the penis spends the vast majority of its time
I hope you’ll go over the ideas in this chapter and share them, or at least the ideas that appeal to you, with your partner. While I certainly haven’t covered all the possibilities, I hope I’ve made you aware that sex isn’t any one thing and isn’t confined to any one script or routine. With skin all over our bodies, with hands, mouths, breasts, penises (hard or soft), clitorides, vaginas (wet or dry), and anuses, and with incredibly powerful and creative minds to work with and lots of different emotions that we can experience, we have lots and lots of possibilities.
Of course, there’s no rule that you have to like all the options. Some may not appeal to you, and some may not appeal to your partner. But I hope that at least a few of them will sound attractive enough to both of you to warrant a bit of experimentation. You’ll have more sex and better sex if you’re open to a number of possibilities.
CHAPTER FOUR
What Is This Thing
Called a Penis?
You would think I’d know better. I mean, I’m well educated and have read a lot about sex. But I still believe that I’d be more attractive to women and a better lover if my penis was an inch or two longer and an inch wider . —Man, 28
My big wish is that my cock were exactly like my hand. If I told it to stand up, it would stand up. If I told it to lie down, it would lie down. Why can’t I have the same control over my penis that I have over all my other appendages?— Man, 50
In this chapter I discuss the issues about penises that have been of most interest to the men I’ve worked with. I’ve been surprised to discover over the years how ignorant many men are about this organ that means so much to them. Some basic knowledge can be helpful. I won’t bore you with irrelevant details, but I will discuss what penises are, what can reasonably be expected from them, and what happens to them as they age.
Let’s start with how we think and feel about our penises.
TOWARD A FRIENDLIER AND MORE REALISTIC VIEW OF OUR PENISES
To say the least, we men have mixed feelings. Our penises are very important to us. They are the main distinguishing characteristic between us and women, and they are a source of great pleasure. But there’s often a sense of unease or discontent with our organs. We fear that they may not be up tosnuff in terms of size, power, and predictability. This does not feel right or good. We fear that, sooner or later, they are going to disappoint and embarrass us.
Some men are on friendly terms with their penises. They like them for the pleasure they provide and see them as a kind of friend, sometimes even giving them pet names. Other men, however, are in a state of near war with their cocks. They speak cajolingly, angrily, or threateningly to them: “Come on, please, you can do it, yes you can”; “You better come through for me, you son of a bitch”; “I’ll break your neck if you don’t get hard.” This kind of self-talk is often caused by the penis’s failure to do what its owner wants, or fear of such a failure. Whatever the reason, it is not conducive to friendly relations.
Being on better terms with our penises is made difficult by the common terms we have for them— cock, prick, rod, tool, ramrod, hard-on, dick . These words sound harsh and do not contribute to a sense of warmth, gentleness, or friendliness. They fit right in, of course, with the view of penises in fantasyland, always throbbing, thrashing, banging, ramming, thrusting. You’d think a penis was a weapon of war rather than an instrument of pleasure and love.
This depiction is neither realistic nor useful. We need something more accurate and helpful. Consider that the penis is very soft. Even when fully erect, the skin is velvety and smooth. Consider also that the penis spends the vast majority of its time
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