intercourse. He expected to be criticized for this and was surprised when she said it was terrific. When Allan returned to school, he decided to try this kind of sex with Marie, even though he feared she might not like it. Her reaction was to ask why they hadn’t always made love like this.
Passion and love are far from all the emotions that can be expressed. Good sex can also be playful, fun, and even silly. For the most part we’re talking about differences in perspective and feeling rather than different activities. You may do the same things while making love, being playful,or fucking. But you do them with a different attitude and spirit. A long-married woman told me that one of the aspects of sex with her husband that she most appreciates is the silliness:
After all, the whole thing—the positions and all—is pretty ridiculous to begin with. It sometimes reminds me of being a child and engaging in explorations of my own and friend’s bodies. I feel so secure with my husband that I can let that little girl’s silly side come out. It’s great fun.
Some couples sometimes revert to baby talk during sex; some enjoy teasing and being teased.
One of the most memorable experiences I had wouldn’t even fit most people’s definition of sex. My girlfriend and I were in bed one afternoon. Just as she was guiding my penis into her, she came out with phrases she had gotten from a book of pornography she had looked at earlier that day: “Stick that huge, hard cock into my hot and juicy pussy. I want to feel all twelve inches of you, filling me up, fucking and thrusting as hard as you want, spilling gobs of seed into me.” We both broke up into gales of laughter, and I fell off of her. We laughed and laughed for what seemed like hours. Every time we tried to talk, we started laughing again. There was no intercourse, no other sexual activity, and no orgasm for either of us. But it was an incredibly wonderful experience that I recall vividly and lovingly over twenty years later.
Sex can also be a great tension reliever. We have all sorts of nostrums for reducing stress—everything from physical exercise to meditation to various drugs—but sex is one of nature’s best ways to feel relaxed. I know a man who usually gets tense before he has to give a public talk. He’s tried beta-blockers and other pills, relaxation tapes, and other remedies, but the one that works the best, with no side effects, is an orgasm produced by his partner’s hand or mouth. How does she feel about it? “Absolutely fine. I’m happy to be able to do this for him. And he reciprocates when I need it, usually when I have trouble falling asleep.” Of course, this won’t work if your anxiety is about sex itself. But for stress related to work and other matters, it’s often quite useful.
Although some people have trouble with this one, I also believe it’s fine to express anger through sex—provided, of course, that this doesn’t happenall the time, that it’s okay with both partners, and that the anger doesn’t turn to violence. Physiologically, anger and sexual arousal are quite similar. Both excite the nervous system. While it’s true that some people can’t even think about sex when they’re angry, let alone do something about it, others find that anger—regardless of its source—can serve to heighten the sexual experience. Recall that anger at his new partner was partly what caused Allan, the law student mentioned on this page , to let go and find a new way of being sexual. This isn’t unusual. Some couples report that their best sex occurs in the midst of an argument.
Anger is a strong emotion and should be treated with caution. Nonetheless, anger is a fact of life, and it can be used to enhance one’s sex life.
The most important thing about expressing different feelings is that the partners have to agree on what they’re doing. It can lead to confusion, frustration, and other negative feelings if one partner is fucking while
Passion and love are far from all the emotions that can be expressed. Good sex can also be playful, fun, and even silly. For the most part we’re talking about differences in perspective and feeling rather than different activities. You may do the same things while making love, being playful,or fucking. But you do them with a different attitude and spirit. A long-married woman told me that one of the aspects of sex with her husband that she most appreciates is the silliness:
After all, the whole thing—the positions and all—is pretty ridiculous to begin with. It sometimes reminds me of being a child and engaging in explorations of my own and friend’s bodies. I feel so secure with my husband that I can let that little girl’s silly side come out. It’s great fun.
Some couples sometimes revert to baby talk during sex; some enjoy teasing and being teased.
One of the most memorable experiences I had wouldn’t even fit most people’s definition of sex. My girlfriend and I were in bed one afternoon. Just as she was guiding my penis into her, she came out with phrases she had gotten from a book of pornography she had looked at earlier that day: “Stick that huge, hard cock into my hot and juicy pussy. I want to feel all twelve inches of you, filling me up, fucking and thrusting as hard as you want, spilling gobs of seed into me.” We both broke up into gales of laughter, and I fell off of her. We laughed and laughed for what seemed like hours. Every time we tried to talk, we started laughing again. There was no intercourse, no other sexual activity, and no orgasm for either of us. But it was an incredibly wonderful experience that I recall vividly and lovingly over twenty years later.
Sex can also be a great tension reliever. We have all sorts of nostrums for reducing stress—everything from physical exercise to meditation to various drugs—but sex is one of nature’s best ways to feel relaxed. I know a man who usually gets tense before he has to give a public talk. He’s tried beta-blockers and other pills, relaxation tapes, and other remedies, but the one that works the best, with no side effects, is an orgasm produced by his partner’s hand or mouth. How does she feel about it? “Absolutely fine. I’m happy to be able to do this for him. And he reciprocates when I need it, usually when I have trouble falling asleep.” Of course, this won’t work if your anxiety is about sex itself. But for stress related to work and other matters, it’s often quite useful.
Although some people have trouble with this one, I also believe it’s fine to express anger through sex—provided, of course, that this doesn’t happenall the time, that it’s okay with both partners, and that the anger doesn’t turn to violence. Physiologically, anger and sexual arousal are quite similar. Both excite the nervous system. While it’s true that some people can’t even think about sex when they’re angry, let alone do something about it, others find that anger—regardless of its source—can serve to heighten the sexual experience. Recall that anger at his new partner was partly what caused Allan, the law student mentioned on this page , to let go and find a new way of being sexual. This isn’t unusual. Some couples report that their best sex occurs in the midst of an argument.
Anger is a strong emotion and should be treated with caution. Nonetheless, anger is a fact of life, and it can be used to enhance one’s sex life.
The most important thing about expressing different feelings is that the partners have to agree on what they’re doing. It can lead to confusion, frustration, and other negative feelings if one partner is fucking while
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