The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant by John Warren, Libby Warren Page A
Authors: John Warren, Libby Warren
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my desires may interfere with my judgment. The partial solution is a lot of introspection on my part.
If the discussion turns from abstract to specific, I do not deny my impulses, but avoid all terms like “domination,” “submission,” “sadism,” “masochism,” “bondage” or “discipline.” These are emotionally laden terms that are defined slightly differently by every individual. Nor do I speak in terms of my needs and desires. Instead, I tell her what I enjoy doing for my partner, while stressing the sensuality and respect. As in the initial stages of all BDSM relationships, I try to earn the degree of trust that will allow her to submit to me.
Despite the teachings of certain psychological schools, my experience is that not all women are submissive and only a relatively small percentage of them can act on submissive tendencies. However, through these approaches, I have been able to make some wonderful friendships and build a number of lasting relationships.
These techniques can also be used by dominant women to find a submissive man who has not yet declared, or perhaps even realized, his submissive nature. For example, the sensual bondage scenes in Basic Instinct or Exit to Eden are a sure conversation starter. Also, because of fashion, women are able to send more overt signals than men about their orientation. A man wearing a kinky leather outfit with a whip earring will probably be taken as gay by many women. A woman in similar regalia will certainly rate a second look from most men, even those who haven’t explored their submissive desires.
The greater latitude for accessories is also a factor. Outside of the punk rock scene, handcuffs aren’t a common accessory for men. However, a woman can casually dismiss one hanging from her belt with “The chrome sets off my black dress.”
The differences in body language between men and women can also work for the dominant woman on the prowl. While a man would be unwise to assume anything about a woman who dropped her eyes in the face of an appraising stare, a woman who gets that reaction from a man would be wise to press her advantage.
A word of warning, novice dominant: women often restrict their search to men who are overtly submissive and/ or effeminate. Experienced ones report that they find their most satisfactory conquests among aggressive, masculine men. It is unwise to dismiss any specific “type” from consideration. Submissives are everywhere. They just need to be found.
Winning Over the Vanilla Lover or Spouse
A common situation in marriages or long-term relationships is one member discovering or finally admitting to a BDSM orientation, leading to the problem of convincing the other to join in these activities. If you are in that situation and hoping to convince your partner to submit to you, you may have a difficult task.
As I’ve written previously, even when submissive feelings are strong, admitting to them is a traumatic experience. For someone who does not have these feelings, being asked to act the submissive role is intimidating and humiliating. If, on the other hand, you have discovered deep submissive drives within yourself, there is a short section addressed to your specific needs at the end of this chapter.
When you suggest the possibility of trying BDSM games, never use the terms S&M or B&D. Even the less familiar BDSM should stay in the closet for a while. Perhaps your major problem is that most people think they know what these things are all about; the mere fact that they are dead wrong doesn’t alter the situation.
Sit down and think. What turns you on? Everything? Come on. Scat? Golden showers? Blood sports? Let’s cut it down to the bone. What is it that you want? If you don’t know what you want, you can’t get it.
You, as a dominant, should practice putting yourself “in the submissive’s head.” Put yourself in the place of a vanilla person whose spouse has admitted a liking for sadism. Do images of Ted
If the discussion turns from abstract to specific, I do not deny my impulses, but avoid all terms like “domination,” “submission,” “sadism,” “masochism,” “bondage” or “discipline.” These are emotionally laden terms that are defined slightly differently by every individual. Nor do I speak in terms of my needs and desires. Instead, I tell her what I enjoy doing for my partner, while stressing the sensuality and respect. As in the initial stages of all BDSM relationships, I try to earn the degree of trust that will allow her to submit to me.
Despite the teachings of certain psychological schools, my experience is that not all women are submissive and only a relatively small percentage of them can act on submissive tendencies. However, through these approaches, I have been able to make some wonderful friendships and build a number of lasting relationships.
These techniques can also be used by dominant women to find a submissive man who has not yet declared, or perhaps even realized, his submissive nature. For example, the sensual bondage scenes in Basic Instinct or Exit to Eden are a sure conversation starter. Also, because of fashion, women are able to send more overt signals than men about their orientation. A man wearing a kinky leather outfit with a whip earring will probably be taken as gay by many women. A woman in similar regalia will certainly rate a second look from most men, even those who haven’t explored their submissive desires.
The greater latitude for accessories is also a factor. Outside of the punk rock scene, handcuffs aren’t a common accessory for men. However, a woman can casually dismiss one hanging from her belt with “The chrome sets off my black dress.”
The differences in body language between men and women can also work for the dominant woman on the prowl. While a man would be unwise to assume anything about a woman who dropped her eyes in the face of an appraising stare, a woman who gets that reaction from a man would be wise to press her advantage.
A word of warning, novice dominant: women often restrict their search to men who are overtly submissive and/ or effeminate. Experienced ones report that they find their most satisfactory conquests among aggressive, masculine men. It is unwise to dismiss any specific “type” from consideration. Submissives are everywhere. They just need to be found.
Winning Over the Vanilla Lover or Spouse
A common situation in marriages or long-term relationships is one member discovering or finally admitting to a BDSM orientation, leading to the problem of convincing the other to join in these activities. If you are in that situation and hoping to convince your partner to submit to you, you may have a difficult task.
As I’ve written previously, even when submissive feelings are strong, admitting to them is a traumatic experience. For someone who does not have these feelings, being asked to act the submissive role is intimidating and humiliating. If, on the other hand, you have discovered deep submissive drives within yourself, there is a short section addressed to your specific needs at the end of this chapter.
When you suggest the possibility of trying BDSM games, never use the terms S&M or B&D. Even the less familiar BDSM should stay in the closet for a while. Perhaps your major problem is that most people think they know what these things are all about; the mere fact that they are dead wrong doesn’t alter the situation.
Sit down and think. What turns you on? Everything? Come on. Scat? Golden showers? Blood sports? Let’s cut it down to the bone. What is it that you want? If you don’t know what you want, you can’t get it.
You, as a dominant, should practice putting yourself “in the submissive’s head.” Put yourself in the place of a vanilla person whose spouse has admitted a liking for sadism. Do images of Ted
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