ever seen you look so happy, so vibrant," she said and I gulp, feeling eyes boring into me. I glance quickly towards the man that is sitting close to us. I can’t help but think he is trying to listen to our conversation. For some reason I feel as though I need to keep Jude's name silent from him. He looks familiar to me but I don't know why.
"I'm not sure what I have yet or if it will last. I am just enjoying him while I have the chance to. I don’t dare hope for more. It may break me if I do," I explain, feeling the pain of separation from him again. I finish my wine and we pay our bill. On the way out I notice that the man that I thought was watching us is gone.
"I think we'll call it an early night tonight but tomorrow will be a full day. There is a burlesque show we have tickets for tomorrow night so rest up," Sophie says when we enter the hotel. We managed to get our rooms on the same floor but not side by side. I had overheard the concierge mention that the room availability was slim, they had a full house this week. I haven’t heard from Jude all day. I left him a text, telling him my room number but he hasn't responded which makes me nervous.
Once inside my suite I run a bath. The hot water relaxes my tense muscles. Thankfully I didn't see that man from the restaurant in the hotel lobby. I was worried he might be following us. I can't shake the feeling that I've seen him before and that he wasn’t at that restaurant for pleasure. A part of me believes he was there for me. If I dared mention that to my friends they would have shipped me home in a straight jacket. Angie is already worried about my sanity. Taking a few deep breaths, I try to forget about him. I won’t be able to solve this tonight.
I look around the beautifully decorated bathroom, smelling the french soaps and sinking further into the tub. I rest my head, closing my eyes, hoping to release the tension building in my temples. Memories are attempting to break through and I can’t fight them, holding them back is becoming harder. The smell of a man's cologne and burning cigars overwhelms me. A deep voice is talking but I can't make out the words. Then a woman's scream startles me. My arms flail out of the tub, causing water to splash over the edge and onto the floor. I stand up quickly and wrap the bath towel around my shivering body tightly. Pulling up the plug, all I can do is stand there and watch the water run down the drain. That wasn't a vision, that was a real memory and for the first time since these nightmares started, I am truly frightened by what I will remember next.
I resolve to try my best not to overreact until this trip is over. I need to be in the safety of my home when it all returns. The suite is dimly lit but I manage to dress in my nightgown and robe. I pour a rather large glass of red wine and look out the window onto the busy evening sidewalk. I do love this little oasis in the city of Paris that Sophie picked out and I love having my own room. It had only been three nights but the four of us in that tiny room in London was just too close for comfort, even if I didn’t sleep there much. I like to have my space. I get claustrophobic and now with the dreams I feel like I should be alone. Maybe Jude shouldn't join me here either. I'll keep him awake or worse, terrify him. I've been thinking of sending him another text but I don't know what to say exactly. I want to see him. I want him here. I miss his smell, his touch just everything about him and I feel unsafe, almost frightened to go outside knowing he isn't here. Which is strange because I seemed to manage just fine before meeting him. I glance at my phone and feel tears well in my eyes.
"What is wrong with me?" I say aloud, falling onto the bed. Running my hands over the soft duvet, there is nothing I can do to stop the memory bubbling up to the surface, it's too strong to stuff back down. I stare up at the ceiling, hoping that if I don't close my eyes then it will go
"I'm not sure what I have yet or if it will last. I am just enjoying him while I have the chance to. I don’t dare hope for more. It may break me if I do," I explain, feeling the pain of separation from him again. I finish my wine and we pay our bill. On the way out I notice that the man that I thought was watching us is gone.
"I think we'll call it an early night tonight but tomorrow will be a full day. There is a burlesque show we have tickets for tomorrow night so rest up," Sophie says when we enter the hotel. We managed to get our rooms on the same floor but not side by side. I had overheard the concierge mention that the room availability was slim, they had a full house this week. I haven’t heard from Jude all day. I left him a text, telling him my room number but he hasn't responded which makes me nervous.
Once inside my suite I run a bath. The hot water relaxes my tense muscles. Thankfully I didn't see that man from the restaurant in the hotel lobby. I was worried he might be following us. I can't shake the feeling that I've seen him before and that he wasn’t at that restaurant for pleasure. A part of me believes he was there for me. If I dared mention that to my friends they would have shipped me home in a straight jacket. Angie is already worried about my sanity. Taking a few deep breaths, I try to forget about him. I won’t be able to solve this tonight.
I look around the beautifully decorated bathroom, smelling the french soaps and sinking further into the tub. I rest my head, closing my eyes, hoping to release the tension building in my temples. Memories are attempting to break through and I can’t fight them, holding them back is becoming harder. The smell of a man's cologne and burning cigars overwhelms me. A deep voice is talking but I can't make out the words. Then a woman's scream startles me. My arms flail out of the tub, causing water to splash over the edge and onto the floor. I stand up quickly and wrap the bath towel around my shivering body tightly. Pulling up the plug, all I can do is stand there and watch the water run down the drain. That wasn't a vision, that was a real memory and for the first time since these nightmares started, I am truly frightened by what I will remember next.
I resolve to try my best not to overreact until this trip is over. I need to be in the safety of my home when it all returns. The suite is dimly lit but I manage to dress in my nightgown and robe. I pour a rather large glass of red wine and look out the window onto the busy evening sidewalk. I do love this little oasis in the city of Paris that Sophie picked out and I love having my own room. It had only been three nights but the four of us in that tiny room in London was just too close for comfort, even if I didn’t sleep there much. I like to have my space. I get claustrophobic and now with the dreams I feel like I should be alone. Maybe Jude shouldn't join me here either. I'll keep him awake or worse, terrify him. I've been thinking of sending him another text but I don't know what to say exactly. I want to see him. I want him here. I miss his smell, his touch just everything about him and I feel unsafe, almost frightened to go outside knowing he isn't here. Which is strange because I seemed to manage just fine before meeting him. I glance at my phone and feel tears well in my eyes.
"What is wrong with me?" I say aloud, falling onto the bed. Running my hands over the soft duvet, there is nothing I can do to stop the memory bubbling up to the surface, it's too strong to stuff back down. I stare up at the ceiling, hoping that if I don't close my eyes then it will go
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