The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know by Mantak Chia, Maneewan Chia, Douglas Abrams, Rachel Carlton Abrams Page B
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pleasure.
SHARING YOUR ORGASMS WITH YOUR PARTNER
Most sex therapists recommend using self-stimulation techniques until you can reliably have an orgasm by yourself. After experiencing orgasms by yourself, next you will no doubt want to have them with your partner. Most therapists recommend that, rather than hoping to have an orgasm during intercourse, you pleasure yourself to orgasm in front of your partner. This can be scary and embarrassing but is a wonderful way to show your partner what you like. Often this may feel more comfortable if your partner is willing to
pleasure himself in front of you, too. This allows you to learn the techniques that he uses.
The next step is to do gentle touching with your partner without trying to orgasm. This can include sensual massage and sexual stimulation, the only requirement being that you remain relaxed and enjoy the experience. After a week or two of this nonpressured pleasure, have your partner pleasure you as you have been pleasing yourself all the way to orgasm.
All of these exercises require open and honest communication. If you have difficulty trusting your partner or cannot communicate about your pleasure, it will be difficult to experience orgasm together.
Since most women orgasm with their partner from stimulation other than intercourse, intercourse should be avoided until you are regularly able to orgasm while being touched in other ways. Remember, as we have said above, that using your fingers to stimulate yourself during intercourse is an excellent way to have an orgasm with your partner.
If you are still unable to orgasm there are many good places to find help. The book Becoming Orgasmic is a great place to begin (see Resources). We would also strongly encourage you to seek counseling from a sex therapist. Often there are early life experiences that can keep us from our full pleasure. Do not be afraid of exploring what may have been negative experiences with sexuality as a child or young person. Uncovering these may be the door to your sexual freedom.
Finally, there are physiologic influences on women’s ability to become orgasmic. These will be discussed in more detail in the next section. Do not give up hope! With time and persistence almost all women are able to experience orgasm, and absolutely every woman can expand the pleasure she experiences during self-pleasuring and lovemaking.
Today we tend to see the mighty “O” as the be-all and end-all of sex. According to the Taoists, sex and the cultivation of sexual energy have a much broader and more important role as the basis of our vitality and health as well as our emotional and spiritual life. You can cultivate your sexual energy, feel great pleasure, improve your health, and expand the emotional and spiritual intimacy in your relationship even without having orgasms. In short, while we spend a great deal of time teaching men and women how to multiply their orgasms, orgasms are simply part of the larger process of expanding your sexual, creative, and energetic potential.
SITUATIONAL ANORGASMIA
Women who previously have been orgasmic and for whatever reason have stopped being able to experience orgasms are considered to have “situa-
tional” anorgasmia. Joy Davidson, an expert on what she calls “orgasmic dis-ruption,” says, “Women’s orgasmic patterns are far more delicate than men’s. . . . Men are often able to have an orgasm via physical stimulation alone while we tend to weave a tangled web of thought, physical potential, fantasy and emotion into each sexual encounter.” 16
If a woman has a new partner, increased stress at work or in the family, a change in medications, or a new home or phase of life, she may have a change in her orgasmic pattern. Usually this is attributable to one of several common causes.
PERIMENOPAUSE AND MENOPAUSE
Women who are entering perimenopause, from ages forty to fifty-five, often are experiencing some new and sudden fluctuations in their hormonal
SHARING YOUR ORGASMS WITH YOUR PARTNER
Most sex therapists recommend using self-stimulation techniques until you can reliably have an orgasm by yourself. After experiencing orgasms by yourself, next you will no doubt want to have them with your partner. Most therapists recommend that, rather than hoping to have an orgasm during intercourse, you pleasure yourself to orgasm in front of your partner. This can be scary and embarrassing but is a wonderful way to show your partner what you like. Often this may feel more comfortable if your partner is willing to
pleasure himself in front of you, too. This allows you to learn the techniques that he uses.
The next step is to do gentle touching with your partner without trying to orgasm. This can include sensual massage and sexual stimulation, the only requirement being that you remain relaxed and enjoy the experience. After a week or two of this nonpressured pleasure, have your partner pleasure you as you have been pleasing yourself all the way to orgasm.
All of these exercises require open and honest communication. If you have difficulty trusting your partner or cannot communicate about your pleasure, it will be difficult to experience orgasm together.
Since most women orgasm with their partner from stimulation other than intercourse, intercourse should be avoided until you are regularly able to orgasm while being touched in other ways. Remember, as we have said above, that using your fingers to stimulate yourself during intercourse is an excellent way to have an orgasm with your partner.
If you are still unable to orgasm there are many good places to find help. The book Becoming Orgasmic is a great place to begin (see Resources). We would also strongly encourage you to seek counseling from a sex therapist. Often there are early life experiences that can keep us from our full pleasure. Do not be afraid of exploring what may have been negative experiences with sexuality as a child or young person. Uncovering these may be the door to your sexual freedom.
Finally, there are physiologic influences on women’s ability to become orgasmic. These will be discussed in more detail in the next section. Do not give up hope! With time and persistence almost all women are able to experience orgasm, and absolutely every woman can expand the pleasure she experiences during self-pleasuring and lovemaking.
Today we tend to see the mighty “O” as the be-all and end-all of sex. According to the Taoists, sex and the cultivation of sexual energy have a much broader and more important role as the basis of our vitality and health as well as our emotional and spiritual life. You can cultivate your sexual energy, feel great pleasure, improve your health, and expand the emotional and spiritual intimacy in your relationship even without having orgasms. In short, while we spend a great deal of time teaching men and women how to multiply their orgasms, orgasms are simply part of the larger process of expanding your sexual, creative, and energetic potential.
SITUATIONAL ANORGASMIA
Women who previously have been orgasmic and for whatever reason have stopped being able to experience orgasms are considered to have “situa-
tional” anorgasmia. Joy Davidson, an expert on what she calls “orgasmic dis-ruption,” says, “Women’s orgasmic patterns are far more delicate than men’s. . . . Men are often able to have an orgasm via physical stimulation alone while we tend to weave a tangled web of thought, physical potential, fantasy and emotion into each sexual encounter.” 16
If a woman has a new partner, increased stress at work or in the family, a change in medications, or a new home or phase of life, she may have a change in her orgasmic pattern. Usually this is attributable to one of several common causes.
PERIMENOPAUSE AND MENOPAUSE
Women who are entering perimenopause, from ages forty to fifty-five, often are experiencing some new and sudden fluctuations in their hormonal
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