The Mike Murphy Files and Other Stories by Christopher Bunn Page B
Authors: Christopher Bunn
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eating magic beans, like Mr. Jack. However, in spirit of public service, instructed her to buy pesticide and sprinkle liberally around perimeter of house.
March 10. Interesting application. Woman wants business permit to work at home, spinning straw into gold. Classic cottage-industry ordinance. Refrained from pointing out impossibility of her business plan, as can still charge her application fee. She’s obviously crazy. Am I unethical? She paid fee in real gold coins.
March 11. Mr. Jack the farmer in. Asked him if has cut down beanstalk. Hemmed and hawed, then changed subject. Said he grows mulberries. Big problem with monkeys and weasels running all around mulberry bushes. Sometimes weasels go pop and explode. Very messy. Wants to know if he can get depredation permit to shoot monkeys and weasels before they make messes of his mulberry bushes. Referred him to Fish & Game Department. Note: must make site visit to see if beanstalk cut down or not.
March 13. Strange day. Never seen such short people in my life. Seven short men (all with long beards) applied for mineral extraction permit. Were displeased to hear they needed grading and excavation permits as well. Ka-ching! $1500 at one go! Gorgeous girl waiting in lobby. Turns out she’s with the short men. Why do the freaks get all the awesome ladies?
March 14. This building needs better security. Being a public servant is a good job, but sometimes the public needs to be kept out. Little boy in stupid blue outfit marched up to my desk and blew his horn. Gave me a heart attack. Informed me he was looking for his sheep. Do I work for the SPCA? Blew his horn again. I called security on him. Submitted memo about building security to Mr. Stanley. His office door was locked.
March 15. Sleeping drool girl still at it.
March 18. My first lawsuit. Mr. Troll stomped in and informed me is suing me, entire Department, and the Gruff family for trespassing, aiding trespass, etc. Very ugly man with deep voice. Kept my cool and told him must address concerns to our Legal Department. Clever move on my part, as they require forms to be filled out in triplicate, 7 different languages, and Braille. They will then lose his file for a minimum of 1 year.
March 19. Yet another code enforcement complaint. Apparently, local juvenile delinquent by name of Wee Willie Winkie has habit of running through town in his nightgown. This happens late at night. Delinquent Winkie raps on windows, yells questions about whether children are in bed. Obviously disturbed. Some kind of adolescent peeping Tom. He is the one who should be in bed. This has nothing to do with Planning Department. Shall refer to Sheriff’s office.
March 20. Bizarre. Guy in tights, wearing a sword, strode into office. Shouting something about rescuing the sleeping beauty. Drew sword and killed copy machine. I dialed security, but they said they were busy. Recommended I hide under desk or in file cabinet. Guy in tights approached me and called me undeserved names, such as varlet and poltroon. Sleeping drool girl caught his attention (thank God) by sudden snore. Promptly kissed her. She woke up and they waltzed off together. Good riddance. She never did any work. Who’s going to clean up all the drool?
March 23. Think I’m in wrong profession. If I ever get my hands on Mr. Jack, he’ll regret it. Huge man came in this morning. Huge. Said Mr. Jack told him I allowed beanstalk to remain. I told him not true, but he would not listen. Said he’d grind my bones to make his muffins or popovers, or something equally disturbing like that. Told him he needs to address concerns to head of department, Mr. Stanley. He stomped off to Mr. Stanley’s office. Spent rest of day hiding under desk. This job would be better if it did not involve public.
March 24. Wrote resignation letter. Slipped it under Mr. Stanley’s door.
ICE AND FIRE
Once upon a time, a baby girl was born. Her name was Matilda, and she was a princess. Matilda was
March 10. Interesting application. Woman wants business permit to work at home, spinning straw into gold. Classic cottage-industry ordinance. Refrained from pointing out impossibility of her business plan, as can still charge her application fee. She’s obviously crazy. Am I unethical? She paid fee in real gold coins.
March 11. Mr. Jack the farmer in. Asked him if has cut down beanstalk. Hemmed and hawed, then changed subject. Said he grows mulberries. Big problem with monkeys and weasels running all around mulberry bushes. Sometimes weasels go pop and explode. Very messy. Wants to know if he can get depredation permit to shoot monkeys and weasels before they make messes of his mulberry bushes. Referred him to Fish & Game Department. Note: must make site visit to see if beanstalk cut down or not.
March 13. Strange day. Never seen such short people in my life. Seven short men (all with long beards) applied for mineral extraction permit. Were displeased to hear they needed grading and excavation permits as well. Ka-ching! $1500 at one go! Gorgeous girl waiting in lobby. Turns out she’s with the short men. Why do the freaks get all the awesome ladies?
March 14. This building needs better security. Being a public servant is a good job, but sometimes the public needs to be kept out. Little boy in stupid blue outfit marched up to my desk and blew his horn. Gave me a heart attack. Informed me he was looking for his sheep. Do I work for the SPCA? Blew his horn again. I called security on him. Submitted memo about building security to Mr. Stanley. His office door was locked.
March 15. Sleeping drool girl still at it.
March 18. My first lawsuit. Mr. Troll stomped in and informed me is suing me, entire Department, and the Gruff family for trespassing, aiding trespass, etc. Very ugly man with deep voice. Kept my cool and told him must address concerns to our Legal Department. Clever move on my part, as they require forms to be filled out in triplicate, 7 different languages, and Braille. They will then lose his file for a minimum of 1 year.
March 19. Yet another code enforcement complaint. Apparently, local juvenile delinquent by name of Wee Willie Winkie has habit of running through town in his nightgown. This happens late at night. Delinquent Winkie raps on windows, yells questions about whether children are in bed. Obviously disturbed. Some kind of adolescent peeping Tom. He is the one who should be in bed. This has nothing to do with Planning Department. Shall refer to Sheriff’s office.
March 20. Bizarre. Guy in tights, wearing a sword, strode into office. Shouting something about rescuing the sleeping beauty. Drew sword and killed copy machine. I dialed security, but they said they were busy. Recommended I hide under desk or in file cabinet. Guy in tights approached me and called me undeserved names, such as varlet and poltroon. Sleeping drool girl caught his attention (thank God) by sudden snore. Promptly kissed her. She woke up and they waltzed off together. Good riddance. She never did any work. Who’s going to clean up all the drool?
March 23. Think I’m in wrong profession. If I ever get my hands on Mr. Jack, he’ll regret it. Huge man came in this morning. Huge. Said Mr. Jack told him I allowed beanstalk to remain. I told him not true, but he would not listen. Said he’d grind my bones to make his muffins or popovers, or something equally disturbing like that. Told him he needs to address concerns to head of department, Mr. Stanley. He stomped off to Mr. Stanley’s office. Spent rest of day hiding under desk. This job would be better if it did not involve public.
March 24. Wrote resignation letter. Slipped it under Mr. Stanley’s door.
ICE AND FIRE
Once upon a time, a baby girl was born. Her name was Matilda, and she was a princess. Matilda was
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