The Mike Murphy Files and Other Stories by Christopher Bunn Page A

research. Mr. Gruff seemed quite moody about it all. When I instructed him to curtail use of bridge until next meeting, he tried to head-butt me. I shall submit written complaint to Mr. Stanley, if I can find him. Not under his desk. Perhaps hiding in closet?
    Feb 20. Mr. Wolf has returned for additional permit. Wants to build barbecue pit and smokehouse on his property. Very detailed plans. Shall submit copies to Fire, Environmental Health, and Building for approval. Girl in next cubicle still very cute. However, seems to spend all her time sleeping. Never seen her awake yet.
    Feb 21. Finished research on agricultural zoning issues. Sent letter to Mr. Jack. He has ten days in which to remove offending beanstalk or pay $1,000 in fines.
    Feb 22. Another code enforcement case. A Ms. Witch has somehow built entire house out of unapproved materials. Will drive out to inspect after lunch.
    Drove out to Ms. Witch’s house. Nice property in middle of forest. House clearly not built to code. Walls are made of gingerbread. Windows seemed to be made out of some sort of sugar. Ms. Witch came outside. Very pleasant lady. Claims was not aware of existence of either building code or Planning Department. Says she will hire architect to remodel. Seems to have lots of children. They crowded at the windows, waving and yelling at me. Very friendly, like their mom.
    Feb 23. More code enforcement. Is that all I do these days? People in town have signed petition to restrict public performance of music. They cite a Mr. Piper of Hamelin who apparently skips through the streets, blowing on his flute at all hours, as well as the so-called Bremen Musicians, a folk quartet. They are particularly incensed at the folk quartet, as their music apparently sounds awful. “Like a bunch of braying donkeys,” states one affidavit. Cannot find telephone number for Mr. Piper or the folk quartet.
    Feb 26. Public nuisance case. Old wall on city property. Children keep climbing onto it, falling off, getting injured. Latest injury some idiot named Humpty Dumpty. Fell off and broke his head. Probably going to sue city for big bucks. I wrote letter to Public Works Department to put caution tape around wall. Schedule for demolition next week.
    Feb 27. Finally! Some real project planning. Apparel design company wants to build studio downtown. Partners were in for a meeting today. Impressive background. They have designed apparel for European nobility, such as Emperor of Denmark. When asked what sorts of material they work with, both partners started giggling. Very unprofessional. Our town needs more jobs, but, unfortunately, they say they will not need to hire employees.
    Feb 28. Mr. Wolf back again. Says yet another vagrant has built an illegal dwelling on his property. A Mr. Pig. Requests new demolition permit. Says he must use dynamite this time and then proceeded to salivate on my desk. Must be glandular disorder.
    March 2. Permit application for eight-foot-high electric fence. The building ordinance only allows six-foot-high, non-electrified fences. Have to refer this to Planning Commission. The applicant, Mr. Bear, was not pleased. Says he has “varmints” sneaking into his house and eating his porridge. Advised him to buy shotgun and not spend thousands on fence. He looked thoughtful at this.
    March 5. Girl in next cubicle still sleeping. Not so cute with all that drool.
    March 6. Mr. Wolf back yet again. Remarkably hairy and smelly. Raving about another illegal squatter on his property. A Mr. Swine. How does he attract these people? Says he will use bulldozer for demolition this time. Was pleased when gave him approved plans for barbecue pit and smokehouse. Was not pleased when informed of $500 fee.
    March 9. Slow day. One walk-in at front counter who wanted advice on environmental impact of killing frogs. Claims they are not endangered red-legged variety. Says frogs are always entering her house and asking her to kiss them. Talking frogs? I suspect she is