that’s the only thing keeping them out of jail. This group has a powerful system of beliefs, and they will tell you about it whenever they get the chance.
Because of their strong dogmatic beliefs, we do not advise going after Born Agains at this time. It is interesting to note, however, that there’s only one thing Born Agains enjoy more than telling people what to think, and that is drugs. Some time in the future, after we’ve completed the construction of our missionary Pirate Ship, we will leave trails of crack vials running from rehab clinics to the port where our Pirate Ship is docked—thus the Born Agains will be led to us, as they gobble up the crack like Pac-Man.
The last Christian group we will consider is the C HRISTIAN A THLETE . These soldiers of God are probably more dangerous than Born Agains due to their size and stamina. They should be avoided at all costs, and only observed on television or watched from the relative safety of yourseats set high in the back of an arena or stadium. Christian athletes can be seen praying in the middle of the court, field, or other playing surface after their games, and they are known for thumping their chests and pointing in the air after touchdowns, goals, or “baskets.” This unseemly sense of self-importance is disturbing, as God probably doesn’t even watch sports. 8 If they think He’s actually paying attention when they “give praise” during their interviews, then they’re probably even dumber than they sound. As far as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, He is believed only to watch NASCAR and an occasional game of soccer. 9 How else to explain their popularity (NASCAR) and their survival as a professional American sport (soccer)? But we don’t know for sure. Again, Christian athletes are highly dangerous and stupid, and should be avoided at all costs.
Now that we’ve got the Christians covered, we can move on to the other religions. It is important to remember that, regardless of what you hear from many elected officials, there actually are other religions, and they will probably be around for a very long time. Let us explore further.
I SLAM is the world’s second largest religion after Christianity. Granted, we don’t see a lot of Muslims in this country, but we do see a lot of them on television. It seems that many of them live in places like Iraq and Afghanistan. This is interesting to note, because some of our greatest missionary work is taking place in these places, where there are a surprising number of Pastafarians in the military. While people believe that the president sent troops into Iraq to find WMDs, it’s pretty much been common knowledge that most of the weapons they were supposedly looking for were over in Iran and North Korea. So why did he send so many troops to the wrong country? As you know, until recently, Iraq was a country run by a secular government, under the rule of Saddam Hussein. 10 High government officials in the United States predicted correctly that it would be easier to convert a secular country to Pastafarianism than it would be to convert, say, Iran. This program of bringing His Word to the people has been termed by the Pentagon as Operation WigglyMultiappendaged Deity, or Operation WMD for short. As President Bush probably once said, “We are making progress in Iraq. But it’s going to take time.” Tune in to see how it goes.
H INDUISM is another big religion. There are millions and millions of Hindus in India. You might just show a Hindu a picture of a typical Hindu god to illustrate the extreme noodliness of his appendages. That should work.
B UDDHISM , like FSMism, is a highly peaceful religion. Buddhists practice much meditation, and we suggest that the best way to allow for them to be touched by His Noodly Appendage is simply to share His favorite meal. After a couple of healthy portions of pasta, watch the Buddhist slip into a food coma, which is very much like experiencing meditation. When he comes out of
Scott Nicholson, Robert J. Crane, Daniel Arenson, S.M. Reine, J. R. Rain