The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster by Bobby Henderson Page A
Authors: Bobby Henderson
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it, he will most certainly have received enlightenment.
J EWS are an interesting group to consider. They’re certainly a driven bunch, often highly educated and well connected. For the highly educated Jews, simply follow the advice given above under “Academics.” They will enjoy the empirical evidence that we provide them, and will surely adopt Pastafarianism for themselves. For OrthodoxJews, point out the tzitzit 11 that they wear. Moses himself was told to wear one, and the strings do resemble His Noodly Appendages, so we can only assume that the Flying Spaghetti Monster made the suggestion in the first place. Those trendy Kabbalists wear red strings around their wrists to ward off the evil eye. Red is the color of His sauce, and string is the shape of His spaghetti, proving that even Madonna has been touched by His Noodly Appendage.
J AINISM is perhaps the ultimate pacifist religion. They don’t believe in violence of any kind. They only eat vegetables. Some of them don’t even wear clothes. They’re like the three-toed sloths of religious people. Approach them slowly, for they’re known to spontaneously burst into tears. Talk to them quietly about our nonviolent and all-inclusive policies. Don’t mention the Pirates. Offer them some vegetable Ramen. The Jains are often starving and will appreciate the food.
S HINTOISM is the official religion of Japan. 12 Yet it’s interesting to note that a large percentage of Japanese people practice both Shintoism and Buddhism. This makes Shintoists an easy target. Simply suggest that they adopt a third religion: Pastafarianism. Again, offer them some Ramen. Japanese people love it.
R ASTAFARIANS are loosely organized and not particularly widespread. Because a large concentration of Rastafarians lives in the Caribbean, a key habitat of Pirates, Pastafarians and Rastafarians appear to intermingle quite well. The best thing to do when converting Rastafarians is to wait. Once they’ve got the munchies, offer them some Ramen. Mention how the two religions rhyme. Point to Bob Marley’s dreadlocks and compare them to the Noodly Appendaged FSM. We actually believe that most Rastafarians are Pastafarians already.
S CIENTOLOGISTS are best left alone.
Hindu gods appear to be patterned after the FSM
.
In summary, there are several ways to spread His Word. Depending on the location, it might be safer to post flyers, posters, brochures, etc.,rather than confronting strangers. However, while anonymously planted flyers and brochures may convert a few people, they’re probably not enough to convert those with a more skeptical mind. Our religion is, after all, admittedly hard to believe at first. But no one ever said that faith was easy, and having several packs of delicious, ready-to-cook Ramen around you at all times will help. Person-to-person evangelizing is a necessary method of outreach, as there are some people who will not allow themselves to be touched by His Noodly Appendage unless you’re right there, putting it in their face.
A Final Note from Bobby Regarding Midgets
I can honestly say that I’ve received much more flak over the term
midgets
from fully grown (oftentimes fat) people than from “little people” themselves. One could make the argument that the little person community 13 itself is not concerned with such petty matters of political correctness. And while that is a valid and probable explanation, in the name of full disclosure, I would like to note that my hearing is not the best, and that if an angry little person has ever confronted me over the term
midget
, I may not have noticed, as I generally look straight ahead. At any rate, until such time as a little person himself asks me to stop, 14 I will continue to use the term
midget
as often as possible.
1 . The eye patch is a constant reminder that others don’t see the world the same way we do. Not yet, at least.
2 . Might be prudent to try out rehab clinics—Christians have had some success
J EWS are an interesting group to consider. They’re certainly a driven bunch, often highly educated and well connected. For the highly educated Jews, simply follow the advice given above under “Academics.” They will enjoy the empirical evidence that we provide them, and will surely adopt Pastafarianism for themselves. For OrthodoxJews, point out the tzitzit 11 that they wear. Moses himself was told to wear one, and the strings do resemble His Noodly Appendages, so we can only assume that the Flying Spaghetti Monster made the suggestion in the first place. Those trendy Kabbalists wear red strings around their wrists to ward off the evil eye. Red is the color of His sauce, and string is the shape of His spaghetti, proving that even Madonna has been touched by His Noodly Appendage.
J AINISM is perhaps the ultimate pacifist religion. They don’t believe in violence of any kind. They only eat vegetables. Some of them don’t even wear clothes. They’re like the three-toed sloths of religious people. Approach them slowly, for they’re known to spontaneously burst into tears. Talk to them quietly about our nonviolent and all-inclusive policies. Don’t mention the Pirates. Offer them some vegetable Ramen. The Jains are often starving and will appreciate the food.
S HINTOISM is the official religion of Japan. 12 Yet it’s interesting to note that a large percentage of Japanese people practice both Shintoism and Buddhism. This makes Shintoists an easy target. Simply suggest that they adopt a third religion: Pastafarianism. Again, offer them some Ramen. Japanese people love it.
R ASTAFARIANS are loosely organized and not particularly widespread. Because a large concentration of Rastafarians lives in the Caribbean, a key habitat of Pirates, Pastafarians and Rastafarians appear to intermingle quite well. The best thing to do when converting Rastafarians is to wait. Once they’ve got the munchies, offer them some Ramen. Mention how the two religions rhyme. Point to Bob Marley’s dreadlocks and compare them to the Noodly Appendaged FSM. We actually believe that most Rastafarians are Pastafarians already.
S CIENTOLOGISTS are best left alone.
Hindu gods appear to be patterned after the FSM
.
In summary, there are several ways to spread His Word. Depending on the location, it might be safer to post flyers, posters, brochures, etc.,rather than confronting strangers. However, while anonymously planted flyers and brochures may convert a few people, they’re probably not enough to convert those with a more skeptical mind. Our religion is, after all, admittedly hard to believe at first. But no one ever said that faith was easy, and having several packs of delicious, ready-to-cook Ramen around you at all times will help. Person-to-person evangelizing is a necessary method of outreach, as there are some people who will not allow themselves to be touched by His Noodly Appendage unless you’re right there, putting it in their face.
A Final Note from Bobby Regarding Midgets
I can honestly say that I’ve received much more flak over the term
midgets
from fully grown (oftentimes fat) people than from “little people” themselves. One could make the argument that the little person community 13 itself is not concerned with such petty matters of political correctness. And while that is a valid and probable explanation, in the name of full disclosure, I would like to note that my hearing is not the best, and that if an angry little person has ever confronted me over the term
midget
, I may not have noticed, as I generally look straight ahead. At any rate, until such time as a little person himself asks me to stop, 14 I will continue to use the term
midget
as often as possible.
1 . The eye patch is a constant reminder that others don’t see the world the same way we do. Not yet, at least.
2 . Might be prudent to try out rehab clinics—Christians have had some success
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