The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition by Ira Steven Behr

A FEW WORDS
FROM QUARK
    Congratulations. I’m proud of you. You’ve made a wise purchase. The book you hold in your hands represents the sum total of Ferengi business wisdom. All right, maybe not the sum total. I suppose if you want to be technical what you’re holding in your hands represents approximately one-quarter of the sum total of Ferengi business wisdom. If you’re wondering how I reached that figure, it’s really quite simple. You see, there are two hundred and eighty-five Rules of Acquisition. This book contains seventy—or about one-quarter of the total Rules. But believe me when I tell you, one-quarter of the sum total of Ferengi business wisdom is still a lot of wisdom. I doubt you humans could handle much more.
    Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Just what are the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition? Good question. So for those of you who bought this book on the strength of the cover alone (and yes, that is your humble author standing there—have you ever seen such a devastating smile, such photogenic lobes?), I’d be happy to explain. The Rules of Acquisition consist of the two hundred and eighty-five guiding principles that form the basis of Ferengi business philosophy. A philosophy that has enabled the Ferengi people to become the most successful entrepreneurs in the galaxy. Think about it. Don’t you want to increase your earning potential? Don’t you want to make bigger, more lucrative business deals? Don’t you want to double, triple, maybe even quadruple your profits?
    I know I do.
    And you do too.
    Well then, this book is for you. Now, about these Rules…
    Hold on!
    YOU.
    That’s right, you! The one standing hunched over in that bookstore aisle reading this book. Stop! You heard me. I know what you’re up to. You think you can read this entire book straight through, right there in that bookstore, then return it to the shelves and walk away having learned all its secrets WITHOUT COMPENSATING ITS AUTHOR. Well, I’ve got news for you, my friend: that’s not how it works. Now, before you read another sentence I want you to close this book, carry it over to the salesperson… AND PAY FOR IT. And while you’re at it buy some copies for your friends. And your family. And any business colleagues you may have. Believe me, they need to own this book just as much as you do. So go ahead, buy a lot of copies. They’ll thank you for it. And so will I.
    Now don’t let the slender size of this volume fool you. The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition is definitely not a book that can be read once and then tossed aside. Not if you truly want to profit from its lessons. No, the Rules are meant to be studied, weighed, evaluated, contemplated, mulled over, and reflected on until each word has been absorbed into your memory. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition is the only book you need to own. Well, maybe not the only book. I’d also suggest you get yourself a copy of The Ferengi Guide to Sexual Fulfillment: The Joys of Oo-moxing. Anyone interested in purchasing a copy can do so by sending three strips of gold-pressed latinum to:
    QUARK
    c/o Deep Space Nine
    Bajor Sector Alpha Quadrant *
    But to get back to the Rules. Don’t let their simplicity fool you. Ferengi business scholars have been interpreting and debating them for thousands of years—ever since the first Grand Nagus, the gloriously devious Gint himself, wrote those immortal words, “Even in the worst of times, someone turns a profit.” Although that was, in fact, the first Rule of Acquisition ever committed to parchment, Gint, in a shrewd marketing ploy, labeled it the One Hundred and Sixty-Second Rule. Why? To increase the demand for the first one hundred and sixty-one. That Gint, always thinking.
    Now, the way I see it, you have two choices. One is to carry this book with you at all times. That way, if you find yourself in the middle of a business negotiation, and you’re not sure what your next move should