be, you can whip out your copy of the Rules and thumb through it until you find an appropriate solution. Personally, I find this choice to be both lazy and inefficient. Your second choice is to do what I do. To do what all Ferengi do. Memorize the entire book. Okay, okay, I know that sounds a little daunting at first. But is it really?! I don’t think so. All it takes is to memorize one Rule a day. That’s not so bad when you think about it. In less than a year I was able to memorize all two hundred and eighty-five Rules. And you only have to memorize seventy. So the point is. if you want the Rules to work for you, you have to work on the Rules.
I know what you’re thinking. Is it worth it? Will memorizing seventy Rules of Acquisition really make a difference in your life? Boy, you humans ask some pretty stupid questions. Of course it will make a difference. Aren’t you tired of watching someone else make all the profit? Don’t you wish you lived in a big house, had expensive possessions, went on fun-filled vacations? Of course you do. We all do. Well, here’s your chance.
Look, don’t be shy. Why don’t you say what’s really on your mind. After all, we’re friends, aren’t we? All right, I’ll say it for you: “So far. Quark’s made a lot of promises. How do I know I can trust him?” In other words, you want a guarantee that the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition will do everything I’ve said they will. Make you wealthier. Make you smarter. Make you more appealing. Don’t worry. I’m not offended. It only makes me realize how desperately you need to learn these Rules. You want a guarantee? You need a guarantee? First turn to Rule Number Nineteen.
Go ahead.
I’ll wait.
There, does that answer your question? Well, guarantee or no guarantee, the only thing you have to ask yourself is what do you have to lose? If the answer is nothing—and what other answer is there?—then you’ve got some reading to do. But before I send you off to get the most important education of your life, there’s one last thing you should know. Ever since I decided to compile this book, my brother Rom has wondered why. Why am I doing it? Why am I willing to share the secrets of Ferengi success with a bunch of undeserving humans? Is it just to earn some extra profit? Is it to promote a better understanding between humans and Ferengi? Or is it to show an inferior race just how superior we Ferengi are?
The answer is none of the above.
The reason this book exists is because I have a dream. A dream of a brighter future that I firmly believe will change my life forever. A dream that will bring me greater profit than I’ve ever imagined. A dream that I am determined to turn into the greatest single business deal of my career. And that dream can be summed up in seven little words:
Quark’s Ferengi Rules of Acquisition —
The Movie.
* Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery.
THE RULES
#1
O nce you have their money…never give it back.
#2
T he best deal is the one that brings the most profit.
#3
N ever pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
#5
I f you can’t break a contract, bend it.
#6
N ever allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
#7
K eep your ears open.
#8
S mall print leads to large risk.
#9
O pportunity plus instinct equals profit.
#10
G reed is eternal.
#11
L atinum isn’t the only thing that shines.
#12
A nything worth selling is worth selling twice.
#13
A nything worth doing is worth doing for money.
#14
A nything stolen is pure profit
#15
A cting stupid is often smart
#16
A deal is a deal…until a better one comes along.
#17
A contract is a contract is a contract (but only between Ferengi).
#18
A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
#19
S atisfaction is not guaranteed.
#20
W hen the customer is sweating, turn up the heat
#21
N ever place friendship above profit.
#22
A
I know what you’re thinking. Is it worth it? Will memorizing seventy Rules of Acquisition really make a difference in your life? Boy, you humans ask some pretty stupid questions. Of course it will make a difference. Aren’t you tired of watching someone else make all the profit? Don’t you wish you lived in a big house, had expensive possessions, went on fun-filled vacations? Of course you do. We all do. Well, here’s your chance.
Look, don’t be shy. Why don’t you say what’s really on your mind. After all, we’re friends, aren’t we? All right, I’ll say it for you: “So far. Quark’s made a lot of promises. How do I know I can trust him?” In other words, you want a guarantee that the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition will do everything I’ve said they will. Make you wealthier. Make you smarter. Make you more appealing. Don’t worry. I’m not offended. It only makes me realize how desperately you need to learn these Rules. You want a guarantee? You need a guarantee? First turn to Rule Number Nineteen.
Go ahead.
I’ll wait.
There, does that answer your question? Well, guarantee or no guarantee, the only thing you have to ask yourself is what do you have to lose? If the answer is nothing—and what other answer is there?—then you’ve got some reading to do. But before I send you off to get the most important education of your life, there’s one last thing you should know. Ever since I decided to compile this book, my brother Rom has wondered why. Why am I doing it? Why am I willing to share the secrets of Ferengi success with a bunch of undeserving humans? Is it just to earn some extra profit? Is it to promote a better understanding between humans and Ferengi? Or is it to show an inferior race just how superior we Ferengi are?
The answer is none of the above.
The reason this book exists is because I have a dream. A dream of a brighter future that I firmly believe will change my life forever. A dream that will bring me greater profit than I’ve ever imagined. A dream that I am determined to turn into the greatest single business deal of my career. And that dream can be summed up in seven little words:
Quark’s Ferengi Rules of Acquisition —
The Movie.
* Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery.
THE RULES
#1
O nce you have their money…never give it back.
#2
T he best deal is the one that brings the most profit.
#3
N ever pay more for an acquisition than you have to.
#5
I f you can’t break a contract, bend it.
#6
N ever allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
#7
K eep your ears open.
#8
S mall print leads to large risk.
#9
O pportunity plus instinct equals profit.
#10
G reed is eternal.
#11
L atinum isn’t the only thing that shines.
#12
A nything worth selling is worth selling twice.
#13
A nything worth doing is worth doing for money.
#14
A nything stolen is pure profit
#15
A cting stupid is often smart
#16
A deal is a deal…until a better one comes along.
#17
A contract is a contract is a contract (but only between Ferengi).
#18
A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
#19
S atisfaction is not guaranteed.
#20
W hen the customer is sweating, turn up the heat
#21
N ever place friendship above profit.
#22
A
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