thought claims Bradman was not a genuine Veteran as he actually was as good as he thought he was. Bradman’s love of tea and bad music would seem to qualify him, however. Another well-known sporting Veteran is Greg Norman, who is a fine example of the Denialist Veteran, or
Delusionarus Veterani
– a Veteran who refuses to accept he is a Veteran. Also there is Kevin Sheedy, who is the most dangerous kind of Veteran – a Veteran who thinks he’s funny.
In the world of entertainment, Veterans have made a major and occasionally interesting contribution. Legendary Veteran actors such as Bill Hunter and Charles ‘Bud’ Tingwell spent many years making Australian movies seem slightly better than they actually were, and, on television, Logie-winning Veteran Ray Meagher has been delighting audiences for decades, not even letting his death in 1961 prevent him from advancing his craft. In the world of music, the most famous Veteran is John Farnham, who only became a Veteran recently, but wisely has been preparing for it for over forty years by only making music that old people like. Likewise, the entire Australian country music industry is a Veteran.
There is not a massive amount of variation within the Veteran population, and most of the behaviours which define the different breeds of Veteran can also be found in other breeds from time to time. Nevertheless, the strength of a Veteran’s commitment to one area of endeavour will clearly mark him as a particular strain. These include:
The Road Warrior . This Veteran has a love of travel and movement, and will spend more time than other Veterans exploring the highways and byways of this great country. The Road Warrior’s natural habitat is the Volvo, and he is recognisable by his unattractive hat and fixed, straight-ahead stare. When behind the wheel, the Road Warrior enters a trance-like state, similar to hibernation, in which his heart rate will slow, his breathing will become shallow, and he will become completely oblivious to everything around him. It is thought that this state of ‘living death’ is the reason for what appears to be an evolutionary hiccup in the Road Warrior’s basic make-up – the inability to correctly recognise numbers. Although the Road Warrior has the ability to read speed-limit signs, an anomaly in the connection between optic nerve and brain causes him, without fail, to subtract 40km from every one. This phenomenon has been exhaustively studied under controlled conditions and appears to be indisputable, but it is uncertain exactly why it occurs. One theory is that primitive Veterans’ main predator was an animal with a strong sense of guilt, meaning it would avoid preying on the slowest members of the herd for fear of feeling it was being a bully. Whatever the truth is, it is a fact that Road Warriors will always drive 40km/hr slower than they need to. If the speed limit is 40km/hr or less, the Road Warrior will stop altogether and sit in his car muttering to himself until he falls asleep and can be safely pushed out of the way.
The Road Warrior is a generally harmless Veteran, except for the odd occasion when an impatient driver will try to overtake him, and the enraged Road Warrior will suddenly veer sideways in an attempt to defend his territory.
A less mobile, but nevertheless extremely active Veteran is the Correspondent , or Mailhawk. This Veteran is notable for his uncanny ability to sniff out and accurately identify any and all social problems besetting the country, and to correctly recognise that they all have the same solution: letters.
The Correspondent’s letter-writing ability is unparalleled among the known Bloke kingdom. Some Correspondents have been timed at a speed of thirty letters per hour over short distances, and there are records of Correspondents writing up to three thousand letters in a single month. What makes this prolificacy even more remarkable is that Correspondents, like all Veterans, eschew computers due to
Delusionarus Veterani
– a Veteran who refuses to accept he is a Veteran. Also there is Kevin Sheedy, who is the most dangerous kind of Veteran – a Veteran who thinks he’s funny.
In the world of entertainment, Veterans have made a major and occasionally interesting contribution. Legendary Veteran actors such as Bill Hunter and Charles ‘Bud’ Tingwell spent many years making Australian movies seem slightly better than they actually were, and, on television, Logie-winning Veteran Ray Meagher has been delighting audiences for decades, not even letting his death in 1961 prevent him from advancing his craft. In the world of music, the most famous Veteran is John Farnham, who only became a Veteran recently, but wisely has been preparing for it for over forty years by only making music that old people like. Likewise, the entire Australian country music industry is a Veteran.
There is not a massive amount of variation within the Veteran population, and most of the behaviours which define the different breeds of Veteran can also be found in other breeds from time to time. Nevertheless, the strength of a Veteran’s commitment to one area of endeavour will clearly mark him as a particular strain. These include:
The Road Warrior . This Veteran has a love of travel and movement, and will spend more time than other Veterans exploring the highways and byways of this great country. The Road Warrior’s natural habitat is the Volvo, and he is recognisable by his unattractive hat and fixed, straight-ahead stare. When behind the wheel, the Road Warrior enters a trance-like state, similar to hibernation, in which his heart rate will slow, his breathing will become shallow, and he will become completely oblivious to everything around him. It is thought that this state of ‘living death’ is the reason for what appears to be an evolutionary hiccup in the Road Warrior’s basic make-up – the inability to correctly recognise numbers. Although the Road Warrior has the ability to read speed-limit signs, an anomaly in the connection between optic nerve and brain causes him, without fail, to subtract 40km from every one. This phenomenon has been exhaustively studied under controlled conditions and appears to be indisputable, but it is uncertain exactly why it occurs. One theory is that primitive Veterans’ main predator was an animal with a strong sense of guilt, meaning it would avoid preying on the slowest members of the herd for fear of feeling it was being a bully. Whatever the truth is, it is a fact that Road Warriors will always drive 40km/hr slower than they need to. If the speed limit is 40km/hr or less, the Road Warrior will stop altogether and sit in his car muttering to himself until he falls asleep and can be safely pushed out of the way.
The Road Warrior is a generally harmless Veteran, except for the odd occasion when an impatient driver will try to overtake him, and the enraged Road Warrior will suddenly veer sideways in an attempt to defend his territory.
A less mobile, but nevertheless extremely active Veteran is the Correspondent , or Mailhawk. This Veteran is notable for his uncanny ability to sniff out and accurately identify any and all social problems besetting the country, and to correctly recognise that they all have the same solution: letters.
The Correspondent’s letter-writing ability is unparalleled among the known Bloke kingdom. Some Correspondents have been timed at a speed of thirty letters per hour over short distances, and there are records of Correspondents writing up to three thousand letters in a single month. What makes this prolificacy even more remarkable is that Correspondents, like all Veterans, eschew computers due to
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