maybe I won’t:
The one with two guys except one wasn't really a guy
The one with the chunky cum
The one with the guy who repeated everything I said twice
The one with the guy who dirty talked in Elmo's voice
The one with the helium balloon talk.
The one with the Star Wars theme
The one with the steroid abuser and his tiny shrinking dick
The one with the Asian guy who couldn't speak English
The one with guy who recited movie lines the entire time
The one with the single dad
The one with the passed out wife
The one with the foot fetish
The one on the roof
The one with the cop while I was locked up
The one with the superman sheets who wanted to do it in a phone booth
The one with the guy who called me “Eunice” no matter how many times I corrected him
The one with the weather man (and the “big bushy cloud formations”)
The one with the science freak who told me way too much about my body
The one with the guy who barked
The one with the doctor who knew all the right spots to hit and made my body do stuff no one’s made it do since (remember “double clit,” “assgasm,” and “taco cunt”)
T H E O N E W I T H T H E C O P W H I L E I W A S L O C K E D U P
CAN’T RESIST OUTLINING THE COP one now.
NOTE: Totally OK to exaggerate.
+++
Autumn is out in the woods, shitfaced-drunk and totally naked except for an elf hat, because she fell into a group of those live-action role-playing LARP dorks on a dare.
It started because Brooke said she was sad that she’d never get to fuck a knight back in the olden days, since fucking a guy who served the King sounded hot. Autumn said that she’d seen the LARP people doing sword battles and stuff in the park, pretending to stab each other in armor and shit. Brooke says she thinks that’s stupid because she’s being cunty. Autumn says that nerds need pussy too.
So she finds this one guy, whose name she doesn’t know because he only goes by Lancelot, and he looks kind of hot and has a big codpiece. He’s a virgin, but he’s so into this LARP shit that he says he wants to lose it to an elf. Autumn thinks he’s nuts until she realizes that they’ve got some Eyes Wide Shut shit happening in the woods after hours, and yada yada yada she finds herself naked and up against a cop car and dressed from the neck up as an elf, including the pointy ears. The cops didn’t arrest her or ask her to put her hands on the cop car and spread her legs, but she’s tired of Lancelot and his queerbos and cops were handy. The cops are like, “Um, miss? What are you doing?” and Autumn is like, “Frisk me!” So the cops are down to play and feel her up, doing a cavity search at her insistence, and so on. Then she climbs into the back of the car and declares herself under arrest. At this point, she’s pretty much ready to explode from a major pussy bomb, having gotten girly blue balls from Lancelot and his inability to wield his sword. (She started clothed but eventually remembered that she had some self respect and so stripped naked and ran through the LARPers with one hand in her pussy, screaming, “WHICH KNIGHT AMONGST YOU HAS THE CHARISMA TO PLUNGE THE ELF’S GREAT DEPTHS FOR BOOTY?” but the dorks ran off to whack it to Arthurian porn.)
The cops repeat that Autumn did nothing wrong. Autumn says she’s naked in public. The cops tell her that local ordinances make that permissible. Eventually they decide she’s crazy but hot and take her back to a very small local police station, where they lock her in a holding cell like Otis the drunk. They lock her up naked. They try to give her clothes, but she’s like a toddler and just keeps ripping them off.
Once in the cell, Autumn, who is totally fucking shithoused from drinking absinthe or something with the dorks, starts complaining about police brutality. The police at first respond rationally and tell her that she’s not being brutalized, and she’s like, “What about my PUSSY, which doesn’t have any
The one with two guys except one wasn't really a guy
The one with the chunky cum
The one with the guy who repeated everything I said twice
The one with the guy who dirty talked in Elmo's voice
The one with the helium balloon talk.
The one with the Star Wars theme
The one with the steroid abuser and his tiny shrinking dick
The one with the Asian guy who couldn't speak English
The one with guy who recited movie lines the entire time
The one with the single dad
The one with the passed out wife
The one with the foot fetish
The one on the roof
The one with the cop while I was locked up
The one with the superman sheets who wanted to do it in a phone booth
The one with the guy who called me “Eunice” no matter how many times I corrected him
The one with the weather man (and the “big bushy cloud formations”)
The one with the science freak who told me way too much about my body
The one with the guy who barked
The one with the doctor who knew all the right spots to hit and made my body do stuff no one’s made it do since (remember “double clit,” “assgasm,” and “taco cunt”)
T H E O N E W I T H T H E C O P W H I L E I W A S L O C K E D U P
CAN’T RESIST OUTLINING THE COP one now.
NOTE: Totally OK to exaggerate.
+++
Autumn is out in the woods, shitfaced-drunk and totally naked except for an elf hat, because she fell into a group of those live-action role-playing LARP dorks on a dare.
It started because Brooke said she was sad that she’d never get to fuck a knight back in the olden days, since fucking a guy who served the King sounded hot. Autumn said that she’d seen the LARP people doing sword battles and stuff in the park, pretending to stab each other in armor and shit. Brooke says she thinks that’s stupid because she’s being cunty. Autumn says that nerds need pussy too.
So she finds this one guy, whose name she doesn’t know because he only goes by Lancelot, and he looks kind of hot and has a big codpiece. He’s a virgin, but he’s so into this LARP shit that he says he wants to lose it to an elf. Autumn thinks he’s nuts until she realizes that they’ve got some Eyes Wide Shut shit happening in the woods after hours, and yada yada yada she finds herself naked and up against a cop car and dressed from the neck up as an elf, including the pointy ears. The cops didn’t arrest her or ask her to put her hands on the cop car and spread her legs, but she’s tired of Lancelot and his queerbos and cops were handy. The cops are like, “Um, miss? What are you doing?” and Autumn is like, “Frisk me!” So the cops are down to play and feel her up, doing a cavity search at her insistence, and so on. Then she climbs into the back of the car and declares herself under arrest. At this point, she’s pretty much ready to explode from a major pussy bomb, having gotten girly blue balls from Lancelot and his inability to wield his sword. (She started clothed but eventually remembered that she had some self respect and so stripped naked and ran through the LARPers with one hand in her pussy, screaming, “WHICH KNIGHT AMONGST YOU HAS THE CHARISMA TO PLUNGE THE ELF’S GREAT DEPTHS FOR BOOTY?” but the dorks ran off to whack it to Arthurian porn.)
The cops repeat that Autumn did nothing wrong. Autumn says she’s naked in public. The cops tell her that local ordinances make that permissible. Eventually they decide she’s crazy but hot and take her back to a very small local police station, where they lock her in a holding cell like Otis the drunk. They lock her up naked. They try to give her clothes, but she’s like a toddler and just keeps ripping them off.
Once in the cell, Autumn, who is totally fucking shithoused from drinking absinthe or something with the dorks, starts complaining about police brutality. The police at first respond rationally and tell her that she’s not being brutalized, and she’s like, “What about my PUSSY, which doesn’t have any
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