Stronger than You Know by Jolene Perry

warm. He’s a dad. It’s all he wants. He’s not going to try for more than that, he’s not going to ask for more than that, and he definitely won’t force more than that.
    My heart’s beating hard, but I lean into him anyway. I wrap my arms around him and squeeze. My face is pressed into his chest. I never thought it would feel good to be close to a man like this. Ever. But his chest is warm and comforting, not suffocating.
    His arms are careful but relaxed around me. “I love you, Joy.” He kisses the top of my head. Part of me never wants to move. But that’s just weird, isn’t it? To just stand with someone like that.
    â€œNight.” I drop my arms and walk away. I glance back quickly. Just long enough to see him wiping tears from his face again.
    For as hard as I worked to make my mom love me, I wonder a lot if she ever did. I’ve done nothing here but cause disruption, but I’m told I’m loved. I’m once again overwhelmed by the feeling in this house.

FIFTEEN
    Some things hurt worse than others
    Aunt Nicole stands in the kitchen with an envelope in her hands. “I feel weird about giving this to you, but I also feel weird not giving it to you.”
    â€œWhat is it?”
    â€œOne of the cases was resolved without a trial.” Her voice is low, quiet. She’s looking at me with so much worry. I’m still baffled by the idea of her feeling so much for me.
    Shaking, I stare at the envelope, afraid to touch the letter. “Oh.” Only two people are in jail because of me. I was asked for names of others, but I didn’t want to relive anything that far in my past, so I never said. “Mom?”
    She shakes her head.
    Richard . The force of his name leaves me exhausted. His face hits my memory and I have to push it away. Hard. I can’t go there. I stumble back and lean against the wall. Better. Safer.
    Only I’m staring at what’s just paper. All the actions they’ve wrapped up in the notifications inside that envelope are gone. Done. Over.
    I wonder if I was supposed to be notified before the case was resolved. I wonder if Uncle Rob and Aunt Nicole knew but were just protecting me.
    â€œThe DA faxed this over, and we spoke on the phone earlier today. The defendant will be in jail for fifteen years.” Aunt Nicole’s voice is quiet, but her words split into me as if she’d screamed them.
    Fifteen years for what he did to me. That’s it. But in a way it doesn’t even matter. I’m gone from there. I’m here. In other ways the sentence or lack thereof is sort of everything. How can being stuck in a prison for fifteen years make up for anything? What does it change? He can’t take his actions back. And he probably wouldn’t if he could.
    I take the envelope from Aunt Nicole and walk into Uncle Rob’s den. I flip the switch for the fire and sit, no longer able to keep Richard’s face away. His mouth against mine, always stubbly, leaving red marks on my skin. The smell of beer and cigarette smoke hits my nose as if he’s standing in the room. I swallow down bile as my stomach tightens. He was so big, so tall and broad, and I tried to fight, I tried so hard. But my hands were tiny, and he just laughed. Then he started bringing a knife. It only made things worse, trying to fight him. When he pushed back it hurt. Richard always found creative ways to punish me.
    Aunt Nicole’s next to me, her arm around me. The paper is crumpled in my fist. I have no idea when either of these happened, but I’m grateful for both. I bury my face in her shoulder and let the sobs shake my body.
    â€œYou’re growing up so pretty, Joy.” His voice is gruff and sends a wave of chills through me. He stands in the doorway of my room. The dim light almost makes the situation worse. His face is shaped in shadows, not light.
    I hate Richard.
    My breathing is coming in tight, shallow breaths.