Stronger than You Know by Jolene Perry Page A

What does he want? Richard has stared at me in ways that make me hide in my room, but he’s never come in here.
    â€œMom?” My voice wobbles.
    He chuckles. “Your mom is out for the night, leaving me a little wanting.”
    Wanting what? I pull my blankets more tightly around me as he steps into my room. Do I scream? Do I run? Do I need to?
    When his heavy body crushes my thin mattress to the floor I begin to shake.
    â€œRelax, Joy.” His gravelly voice brings a whimper up my throat.
    His hand is over my mouth so hard my jaw aches and my head is pressed into my pillow. I squeeze my eyes tight. I don’t know what he wants, but I hope it doesn’t last long.
    His cigarette breath and beer stench hit my nose as his scratchy face presses against mine. “Make a noise, and I’ll kill you.”
    I nod so he knows I believe him. My breath comes hard and fast out my nose, his hand still firmly over my mouth.
    He slides off my shirt, and I close my eyes wishing to be anywhere else. I whimper as a small slice of pain flashes across my chest. I open my eyes to see a small knife. “I’ll use this. Deeper next time if I have to. Remember to be good.”
    I shut my eyes, wishing it to be over.
    His hand comes off my mouth and I want to scream so badly, but I know how to stay silent. I’ve been practicing for years.
    I sit up in bed and scream. It feels so good to let it out. How many times had I clenched my teeth together to stop from making a sound? My heart beats hard, my breath comes fast, just as if I were there. Just like it wasn’t another nightmare.
    Aunt Nicole flies into my room. I ache to be wrapped up in her arms, but I can’t say what I want. Can’t ask her to do anything else for me.
    â€œI’ll flip my own pillow.” I keep my eyes away from hers, roll my pillow over, and lie back down. I don’t smell my sheets. I smell the trailer, beer, and cheap aftershave.
    I’m here. I’m not there. I’m here. I’m not there.
    â€œNight,” she whispers.
    My first tears hit the pillow as she leaves the room.

SIXTEEN
    I have decided I now love the park
    I’m at the park near our house, and I’m alone, sitting crisscross applesauce on the grass. I love it. If I need something or feel a panic attack coming on or anything, I have my phone. It makes me feel so much more independent than I ever have. And the open space isn’t as uncomfortable as it used to be either, which is sort of perfect because I haven’t seen the sun in over a month.
    After several nights of horrible dreams and very little sleep, the park and the warmth should help settle my mind.
    Flashes of Richard have been haunting me since the letter, making me wish again that I could erase memories. I pull in a deep breath wanting to soak up the warm day instead of reliving my past.
    â€œHey, neighbor.”
    Justin. I can so do this. I mean, we rode in a car together and talked over coffee and hot chocolate and we walk together … sometimes . “Hey, neighbor,” I say back. Maybe he’ll distract me from things I don’t want to think about.
    â€œIs the grass wet?”
    â€œYep, but my coat is long.” I pat my hands on my hips to show the coat covers pretty well. It’s Aunt Nicole’s raincoat, so it’s a little big, but at least I’m warm and dry.
    â€œOh well.” He shrugs and pats his thighs. His coat is not long. “Can I sit?”
    I tap my chin as if trying to decide.
    â€œOh, come on .” He laughs.
    â€œYes, you can sit.” I’m smiling and I didn’t even have to think about smiling. It’s like when Justin’s around, there isn’t room for thoughts outside of what we’re doing together.
    â€œThank you.” He’s next to me, almost too close, but there are no walls out here, and I can stand up and walk away if I want to.
    â€œYou have a blond stripe in your hair,” I