the tears come and they don’t stop for a long, long time. When she does pull back, red eyes and wet cheeks, I want to lean in and kiss her, I want to kiss her so she forgets everything bad and remembers everything good.
I don’t though.
Instead I press kiss to her forehead and run my fingers under her eyes, capturing a few stray tears.
“I’ll be here. I promise.” I tell her, cupping her face in my hands.
“Thank you.” she whispers, closing her eyes.
“You need to go home and get some rest before tomorrow. I’m only a phone call away. If you need me, I’ll come over, there are taxis all over the place, I can be there in minutes.”
“You’re incredible, you know that?”
“No, that’s you.” I smile, leaning in again and resting my head against hers.
“I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight Carter.”
I climb out of the car and watch her drive away, as she gets further away I feel more empty, more hollow, than I’ve ever felt in my life. Everything is about to change for her, her life is going to be so very different after tomorrow and she’s trying to deal with it all alone. She’s incredible, the most amazing person I know and if I can make it even a little easier for her, I will.
I drive back to Mum and Dad’s and let myself in. They’re still awake, sitting in the lounge watching TV. I slip my boots off and head in to see them.
“Evening, love,” Dad smiles. “Have a good day?”
“Yes thanks, Dad. You?”
“Not so bad.” he smiles.
“You’ve been crying.” Mum states.
“Yes, it all got a little too much. I’m okay.”
“You’re not okay, sweetheart. It’s okay to admit as much.” she tells me sadly.
“I know.”
“While we’re talking about it,” Dad sighs. “What time are we leaving tomorrow?”
“I’m leaving at ten… But you won’t be coming with me.”
“What?” Mum half yells, shocked.
“I know you both want to come with me, but it’s not about what you want. I love you both so much, I promise to let you be there when I need you, but not tomorrow. I need to be strong, and I can’t be with you there. I’ll crumble and that won’t help me.”
“Carmen, please — ” Mum pleads.
“You want to fight my battles for me, you want to make everything okay, I know you do and you have no idea how much I want you to. But I need to go and see what I’m facing and then… Then I’m going to need you. Both of you.” I look between Mum and Dad and feel helpless.
Watching your child go through something like this must be every parents worst nightmare and they’re living it. I want them to be a part of this, I want them to be there, I need them to be, just not tomorrow.
I will not let them see me fall apart.
“You cannot go alone, Carmen.” Dad pipes up, clearly upset.
“I’m not going alone Dad.” I assure him.
“Then you’ve told Megan?”
“No… I’m going with Carter.”
“Jack’s brother?” Mum smiles.
“We’re friends, Mum. Nothing more. But… I can’t explain it, he’s amazing and strong and he understands me and he’s willing to give up his time here to be with me.”
I don’t tell them he’s willing to leave his home, move in with me and be there for me through everything. That he wants to be my rock, that even though I’ve only known him a couple of days, he already is. That he has the ability to calm me, to soothe my worries and crush my fear. That I know, given time, he will become the most important person in my life if I let him. That scares me and right now. I have to put it into that box at the back of my mind and deal with it later, when I know what’s happening.
“You want a stranger to come with you?” Dad asks, his voice heavy with sadness.
“Dad, I need him to come with me, he’s one step removed from all of this. I don’t know what they’re going to tell me, but I have a good idea. I need to think about me tomorrow and not about how you’re taking what they’ve said. I know it’s
I don’t though.
Instead I press kiss to her forehead and run my fingers under her eyes, capturing a few stray tears.
“I’ll be here. I promise.” I tell her, cupping her face in my hands.
“Thank you.” she whispers, closing her eyes.
“You need to go home and get some rest before tomorrow. I’m only a phone call away. If you need me, I’ll come over, there are taxis all over the place, I can be there in minutes.”
“You’re incredible, you know that?”
“No, that’s you.” I smile, leaning in again and resting my head against hers.
“I’ll see you in the morning. Goodnight Carter.”
I climb out of the car and watch her drive away, as she gets further away I feel more empty, more hollow, than I’ve ever felt in my life. Everything is about to change for her, her life is going to be so very different after tomorrow and she’s trying to deal with it all alone. She’s incredible, the most amazing person I know and if I can make it even a little easier for her, I will.
I drive back to Mum and Dad’s and let myself in. They’re still awake, sitting in the lounge watching TV. I slip my boots off and head in to see them.
“Evening, love,” Dad smiles. “Have a good day?”
“Yes thanks, Dad. You?”
“Not so bad.” he smiles.
“You’ve been crying.” Mum states.
“Yes, it all got a little too much. I’m okay.”
“You’re not okay, sweetheart. It’s okay to admit as much.” she tells me sadly.
“I know.”
“While we’re talking about it,” Dad sighs. “What time are we leaving tomorrow?”
“I’m leaving at ten… But you won’t be coming with me.”
“What?” Mum half yells, shocked.
“I know you both want to come with me, but it’s not about what you want. I love you both so much, I promise to let you be there when I need you, but not tomorrow. I need to be strong, and I can’t be with you there. I’ll crumble and that won’t help me.”
“Carmen, please — ” Mum pleads.
“You want to fight my battles for me, you want to make everything okay, I know you do and you have no idea how much I want you to. But I need to go and see what I’m facing and then… Then I’m going to need you. Both of you.” I look between Mum and Dad and feel helpless.
Watching your child go through something like this must be every parents worst nightmare and they’re living it. I want them to be a part of this, I want them to be there, I need them to be, just not tomorrow.
I will not let them see me fall apart.
“You cannot go alone, Carmen.” Dad pipes up, clearly upset.
“I’m not going alone Dad.” I assure him.
“Then you’ve told Megan?”
“No… I’m going with Carter.”
“Jack’s brother?” Mum smiles.
“We’re friends, Mum. Nothing more. But… I can’t explain it, he’s amazing and strong and he understands me and he’s willing to give up his time here to be with me.”
I don’t tell them he’s willing to leave his home, move in with me and be there for me through everything. That he wants to be my rock, that even though I’ve only known him a couple of days, he already is. That he has the ability to calm me, to soothe my worries and crush my fear. That I know, given time, he will become the most important person in my life if I let him. That scares me and right now. I have to put it into that box at the back of my mind and deal with it later, when I know what’s happening.
“You want a stranger to come with you?” Dad asks, his voice heavy with sadness.
“Dad, I need him to come with me, he’s one step removed from all of this. I don’t know what they’re going to tell me, but I have a good idea. I need to think about me tomorrow and not about how you’re taking what they’ve said. I know it’s
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