why are you wishing he wasn’t? So you can stay angry with him for neglecting you and break free from this dire world of domesticity? Maybe you should just let him be nice? You might actually remember why you fell in love with him in the first place.
In bed, Alex lies flat on his back and presses play on the remote control. Deep bass and fast-paced electronic intro music fills the room like a mortal roaring gust of wind. Great. Action Adventure. Ugh. I cuddle up to Alex on my side, and nuzzle my head into his neck. Why do you keep using Tessa’s shampoo? You have no hair. I lift my head to kiss his cheek out of habit. The gray shade of stubble contrasts against his pale, olive-tinged skin—the result of spending half his life in dark, soundproofed, underground rock venues, and the other half in front of his laptop.
Through a medium-thick coat of curly graying chest hair, I focus on a film of dust settling on our jet black cotton sheets. In an instant, I imagine creepy-crawlies making a snug home under my skin and shudder at the thought. I hate black sheets. You can see everything . When I get into bed I feel like I’m wrapping myself up in a used vacuum cleaner bag. But they were the only clean set this week, so they had to do.
“Can I turn the light off?” I ask. If I can’t see the dust, maybe I can relax and pretend it’s not there.
Alex nods, switches off the orange-tinted light by the bed, kisses my head, and increases the TV volume.
I listen to the opening dialogue as if it were background noise. I press my eyes together. Tight. Trying to picture myself on stage. Willing myself to speak up. Now. Before the movie starts properly. Psychedelic colors form beneath my eyelids—a cocktail of animals and Jesus. I smile—an involuntary reaction. My face flushes with brief contentment lying in Alex’s arms, breathing out and in to the rhythm of the soundtrack. I love you. I hate you. I love to hate you. I hate to love you. I’m scared.
“You sleeping?” Alex murmurs.
I open my eyes. My lashes brush against his jaw. “Nope. Just relaxing.”
“What about the film?”
“You know I don’t like action stuff.”
“Why are we watching it then?”
“Because you wanted to watch it.”
“Why didn’t you say you didn’t want to watch it?”
“Didn’t bother me. I just like lying here.”
Alex sniffs outward and rubs my back. It’s now or never, Melody. Do it while you’ve got the nerve. I slide the remote control from Alex’s grasp and press Pause.
“What’s up?”
“Before we get sucked into this movie, we should really have this talk.”
“Now?” he whines. “But I made it clear we’d work it out. Let’s talk about details tomorrow. Can’t we just enjoy this quiet time together?” We both sit up. Alex strokes my cheek and leans in for a kiss. I put my hand on his chest. His chest hair spreads between my fingers; his heart beat warms my nerves.
“You’d said we’d talk later. Now is later .”
Alex grunts, pushes his back against the headboard and runs his hands over his face as if brushing off a cobweb. He takes a deep breath through pouted lips and gritted teeth. Perhaps he’s trying to control his aversion to the words I’ve practiced in my head. I wait for him to stop making noises before continuing to speak. My heart beats like a cog train increasing in speed.
“First, I’m sorry for not telling you about the promotion earlier, but—”
“We’ll discuss that at the appropriate time. When you know for sure what’s going on. Don’t worry.”
“May I finish?”
“Yeah,” Alex huffs, puffing the duvet up around his legs.
“It’s just that some times I’m …” I close my eyes in quiet meditation, willing my pulse to slow down.
“You’re what , Melody?”
“I’m … scared of you sometimes.” False calm squeezes me like a boa constrictor. I hold my breath.
Alex turns the main light on using the switch behind his head on the wall. He
In bed, Alex lies flat on his back and presses play on the remote control. Deep bass and fast-paced electronic intro music fills the room like a mortal roaring gust of wind. Great. Action Adventure. Ugh. I cuddle up to Alex on my side, and nuzzle my head into his neck. Why do you keep using Tessa’s shampoo? You have no hair. I lift my head to kiss his cheek out of habit. The gray shade of stubble contrasts against his pale, olive-tinged skin—the result of spending half his life in dark, soundproofed, underground rock venues, and the other half in front of his laptop.
Through a medium-thick coat of curly graying chest hair, I focus on a film of dust settling on our jet black cotton sheets. In an instant, I imagine creepy-crawlies making a snug home under my skin and shudder at the thought. I hate black sheets. You can see everything . When I get into bed I feel like I’m wrapping myself up in a used vacuum cleaner bag. But they were the only clean set this week, so they had to do.
“Can I turn the light off?” I ask. If I can’t see the dust, maybe I can relax and pretend it’s not there.
Alex nods, switches off the orange-tinted light by the bed, kisses my head, and increases the TV volume.
I listen to the opening dialogue as if it were background noise. I press my eyes together. Tight. Trying to picture myself on stage. Willing myself to speak up. Now. Before the movie starts properly. Psychedelic colors form beneath my eyelids—a cocktail of animals and Jesus. I smile—an involuntary reaction. My face flushes with brief contentment lying in Alex’s arms, breathing out and in to the rhythm of the soundtrack. I love you. I hate you. I love to hate you. I hate to love you. I’m scared.
“You sleeping?” Alex murmurs.
I open my eyes. My lashes brush against his jaw. “Nope. Just relaxing.”
“What about the film?”
“You know I don’t like action stuff.”
“Why are we watching it then?”
“Because you wanted to watch it.”
“Why didn’t you say you didn’t want to watch it?”
“Didn’t bother me. I just like lying here.”
Alex sniffs outward and rubs my back. It’s now or never, Melody. Do it while you’ve got the nerve. I slide the remote control from Alex’s grasp and press Pause.
“What’s up?”
“Before we get sucked into this movie, we should really have this talk.”
“Now?” he whines. “But I made it clear we’d work it out. Let’s talk about details tomorrow. Can’t we just enjoy this quiet time together?” We both sit up. Alex strokes my cheek and leans in for a kiss. I put my hand on his chest. His chest hair spreads between my fingers; his heart beat warms my nerves.
“You’d said we’d talk later. Now is later .”
Alex grunts, pushes his back against the headboard and runs his hands over his face as if brushing off a cobweb. He takes a deep breath through pouted lips and gritted teeth. Perhaps he’s trying to control his aversion to the words I’ve practiced in my head. I wait for him to stop making noises before continuing to speak. My heart beats like a cog train increasing in speed.
“First, I’m sorry for not telling you about the promotion earlier, but—”
“We’ll discuss that at the appropriate time. When you know for sure what’s going on. Don’t worry.”
“May I finish?”
“Yeah,” Alex huffs, puffing the duvet up around his legs.
“It’s just that some times I’m …” I close my eyes in quiet meditation, willing my pulse to slow down.
“You’re what , Melody?”
“I’m … scared of you sometimes.” False calm squeezes me like a boa constrictor. I hold my breath.
Alex turns the main light on using the switch behind his head on the wall. He
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