Someday the Rabbi Will Leave by Harry Kemelman

one?”
    â€œNothing under that one. You know him?”
    The printer shook his head.
    â€œNever heard of Tommy Baggio?”
    Again the printer shook his head.
    â€œHe’s running for state senator.”
    â€œAnd I guess you people would rather he wouldn’t?”
    â€œThat’s right. There’s just one thing. He needs a moustache, a little Hitler moustache.” From his wallet he drew the newspaper clipping with Baggio’s picture. “This is what he looks like now. Ouestion is, can you put back the moustache?”
    The printer studied the clipping and the photograph for a moment, and then said, “No problem.”
    â€œOkay. What will the whole business cost me?”
    â€œYou mean with the envelopes and all?”
    â€œYeah, we got to have envelopes. And the envelopes got to have The Committee of Concerned Citizens in the upper left-hand corner.”
    â€œNo address?”
    â€œNo. Just The Committee of Concerned Citizens. How much would it be?”
    â€œWell, how many would you want?”
    â€œOh yeah. Look, I don’t know right now. Could you sort of make it up and give me like a proof? Then I could tell you afterwards how many we’d want to print up.”
    â€œYeah, I could do that.”
    Tony started for the door, and then stopped. “Hey, how about changing that sentence to ‘Do you care?’ You know, it makes it more subtle-like.”
    â€œSure. Tell you what, I’ll set it up both ways and you can see which you like best.”
    â€œSwell.”

14
    Howard Magnuson patted the papers spread out on the desk in his study and said to Morris Halperin, “I had a couple of chaps from my Boston office do a little research. I wanted to know how our salary schedule compared with those of other religious institutions. Some of the results are quite surprising. Were you aware that overall we pay our people a lot more than our Christian friends do theirs?”
    Halperin nodded. He had the uneasy feeling that he was about to be treated to a display of Magnuson’s business thinking: If synagogue salaries were generally higher than church salaries, obviously money could be saved by cutting back. He thought to head him off.
    â€œIt’s the old business of apples and oranges,” he said easily. “You can’t compare the work of our teachers in the religious school, who are professionals and work a full week, with Sunday school teachers, who teach an hour or so a week. As for the job of cantor, I don’t know what you’d compare him to in a church. Maybe the leader of the choir. Again, there’s really no comparison.”
    â€œI was thinking primarily of the rabbi,” said Magnuson. “Now there’s a reasonable comparison between the rabbi on the one hand and a minister or a priest on the other.”
    â€œOnly on the surface,” said Halperin. “The minister or the priest has a vocation; he receives a call to preach the word of God, something like the prophet Jonah.”
    â€œSo?”
    â€œSo he’s in the position of somebody who’s terribly anxious to sell something to someone who’s not particularly interested in buying. Which makes it a buyer’s market.”
    â€œAnd the rabbi?”
    â€œHe’s under no such divine command. He goes into the rabbinate the way someone goes into law or medicine, and he goes to a congregation, not because he receives a call—unless it’s a telephone call from the head of the Ritual Committee—but because he’s offered a contract. So the law of supply and demand controls, and there just aren’t that many rabbis available.”
    â€œYou seem to know a lot about the rabbi situation,” said Magnuson.
    Halperin grinned. “I ought to. We’ve got one in the family. My kid brother is a rabbi.”
    â€œOh yes? I see. Well, I just brought up the comparison with churches as a matter of minor interest.