for me. He gathers up the junk food and crosses to his side, where he puts the food on the floor.
We drive home in silence.
Silence is my life.
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
— Stella —
I was so happy 2 c u 2day. U look amazing. Über amazing. I am so sorry u had to c me with Connor like that. I wanted to tell u in person. We’re sort of seeing each other. I wanted to talk to u more, but SC pulled u away so fast. He was très rude. Is he your BF now? Maybe I can come over 2morrow so we can talk. BFF, Lily.
I wish I could say I want to talk to her. That I think her words are genuine. Or that seeing her with Connor didn’t bother me, but it did. More than I realized. I can’t pinpoint why Connor is angry with me. Except that maybe I am a reminder of that night. He wasn’t a hero that night. Probably for the first time ever. Even though I don’t blame him. Maybe he blames himself. Which makes him angry with me.
I wanted to go back to school on Monday. Now I’m not so sure.
I don’t write back to Lily.
I have nothing to say.
Reflection in a mirror
— Hayden —
I made a mistake.
A colossal mistake.
I didn’t think it through. I didn’t think about people she might see. How she would feel. I was only thinking about myself. Impressing her and being the hero.
Saying good-bye to her just now, I felt like it might be the last time. Maybe Stella won’t want to see me again.
I didn’t know what to say except sorry, and that didn’t seem like enough. She looked so broken, so sad. Today erased all of yesterday’s progress, and set her back. She had to see her friends like that, and with me.
I promised Stella’s mother that I would take good care of her, and I broke that promise. That’s all I could think about on the drive home. Every time I glanced at Stella, her eyes were staring out the windshield as if she couldn’t get home fast enough—couldn’t get away from me fast enough.
All I could do was walk her to the front door, make sure she got inside, and leave.
I turn left at the corner and pull into an empty parking lot at a park. It is almost sunset. The park is empty, but I know the bench where the homeless man sleeps every night. I have seen him here before when I have come here to think, to get away.
I meant to share this food with Stella. Instead, I am giving it to a stranger.
He is sleeping when I approach, so I set down the drink and snacks near his shopping cart. He will find it later, after I am gone.
I walk back to my truck, listening to the birds call their good nights to one another. A squirrel scurries in front of me, dashing away to climb up the nearest tree. A little boy walks home hand in hand with his mother. I watch them, imagining what their life must be like. How lucky they are to have each other.
My mother never held my hand, never smiled at me like that.
When I think of her hands, they are clenched into fists. Breaking things, causing pain, hurting me.
Stella makes me forget about all of that. About everything that came before her—all of it. I get lost in her, in the moments.
And so at the mall, I wasn’t paying attention. Seeing her best friend like that, with him, seemed to knock the wind out of her. And I did nothing. I froze, like I always do when someone talks to me. I don’t see them anymore. Instead, I see my mother, yelling at me, demanding that I speak.
Stop ruining my life , she would say. Speak.
But I didn’t speak, because even after everything she did to me, I still loved her. I knew my silence would protect her. And me. People didn’t notice anything wrong. They didn’t see the cuts and bruises—or they didn’t want to see them.
Until I stopped speaking, until I was silent. It was silence that saved my life.
Speak! The voice screams in my ears. Yet I can’t say a word.
But today, when Stella looked at me, something happened. Pleading, begging me to save her. She was counting on me. Her need was greater than my own,
We drive home in silence.
Silence is my life.
BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
— Stella —
I was so happy 2 c u 2day. U look amazing. Über amazing. I am so sorry u had to c me with Connor like that. I wanted to tell u in person. We’re sort of seeing each other. I wanted to talk to u more, but SC pulled u away so fast. He was très rude. Is he your BF now? Maybe I can come over 2morrow so we can talk. BFF, Lily.
I wish I could say I want to talk to her. That I think her words are genuine. Or that seeing her with Connor didn’t bother me, but it did. More than I realized. I can’t pinpoint why Connor is angry with me. Except that maybe I am a reminder of that night. He wasn’t a hero that night. Probably for the first time ever. Even though I don’t blame him. Maybe he blames himself. Which makes him angry with me.
I wanted to go back to school on Monday. Now I’m not so sure.
I don’t write back to Lily.
I have nothing to say.
Reflection in a mirror
— Hayden —
I made a mistake.
A colossal mistake.
I didn’t think it through. I didn’t think about people she might see. How she would feel. I was only thinking about myself. Impressing her and being the hero.
Saying good-bye to her just now, I felt like it might be the last time. Maybe Stella won’t want to see me again.
I didn’t know what to say except sorry, and that didn’t seem like enough. She looked so broken, so sad. Today erased all of yesterday’s progress, and set her back. She had to see her friends like that, and with me.
I promised Stella’s mother that I would take good care of her, and I broke that promise. That’s all I could think about on the drive home. Every time I glanced at Stella, her eyes were staring out the windshield as if she couldn’t get home fast enough—couldn’t get away from me fast enough.
All I could do was walk her to the front door, make sure she got inside, and leave.
I turn left at the corner and pull into an empty parking lot at a park. It is almost sunset. The park is empty, but I know the bench where the homeless man sleeps every night. I have seen him here before when I have come here to think, to get away.
I meant to share this food with Stella. Instead, I am giving it to a stranger.
He is sleeping when I approach, so I set down the drink and snacks near his shopping cart. He will find it later, after I am gone.
I walk back to my truck, listening to the birds call their good nights to one another. A squirrel scurries in front of me, dashing away to climb up the nearest tree. A little boy walks home hand in hand with his mother. I watch them, imagining what their life must be like. How lucky they are to have each other.
My mother never held my hand, never smiled at me like that.
When I think of her hands, they are clenched into fists. Breaking things, causing pain, hurting me.
Stella makes me forget about all of that. About everything that came before her—all of it. I get lost in her, in the moments.
And so at the mall, I wasn’t paying attention. Seeing her best friend like that, with him, seemed to knock the wind out of her. And I did nothing. I froze, like I always do when someone talks to me. I don’t see them anymore. Instead, I see my mother, yelling at me, demanding that I speak.
Stop ruining my life , she would say. Speak.
But I didn’t speak, because even after everything she did to me, I still loved her. I knew my silence would protect her. And me. People didn’t notice anything wrong. They didn’t see the cuts and bruises—or they didn’t want to see them.
Until I stopped speaking, until I was silent. It was silence that saved my life.
Speak! The voice screams in my ears. Yet I can’t say a word.
But today, when Stella looked at me, something happened. Pleading, begging me to save her. She was counting on me. Her need was greater than my own,
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