and I had to protect her. So I did what I had to do—I found my voice, and I took her away from them.
But it was too late; the damage was done. I could see it in the tears swimming in her eyes. All I knew was that I made her cry. Her tears pierced my heart.
Holding her hands, standing so close, I never wanted to let go.
I only hope she can forgive me.
ME AGAIN
— Stella —
If I am going back to school on Monday, I need to be caught up. That’s what I tell Mom and Emerson, anyway. I don’t want to tell them about my afternoon. I avoid them with homework. I plow through Spanish and health. Then I escape with Hamlet. Somehow, I can identify with him. His frustration. His disillusionment with the world around him. I find comfort in his words.
O, that this too, too solid flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!
Or that the Everlasting had not fix’d
His canon ’gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Fie on’t, ah fie! ’tis an unweeded garden
That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely.
I lie on my bed, reread the passage over and over. Let the language seep into me like rain seeping into parched summer grass.
Seeing Lily and Connor was a neon sign reminding me of what I have lost. I’ve lost everything. They have lost nothing. The accident that cost me my dream has made Lily’s dream come true. It gave her popularity. A boyfriend on the football team. A spot on the varsity cheerleading squad.
I imagine how I must have looked to them—to Hayden—in my silent bubble.
He wanted to get rid of me after that. I really am some kind of charity case.
That last thought bothers me the most. Hayden. More than Connor. More than Lily.
I want to disappear.
I close my eyes, seeking the blackness where I am free.
Suddenly, I am floating. Drifting down, down, down. In a sea of words and confusion, I don’t know who I am. I don’t exist. I am nothing.
The darkness surrounds me. Blankets me. Erases me. Then a hand reaches out. Touches mine. Grasps for me. I take hold. Know this is my chance at survival. My chance to breathe again.
The hand pulls me upward, to the light. I want the light. The hope. I want to breathe again. To be me.
I burst from the water, gasping for air. I am enveloped in strong arms. I am safe. I am me.
I look up and see only blue.
I wake up confused. Disoriented. Sweaty.
I remember everything. My body trembles. I wrap myself in a blanket and reach for the glass beside my bed. Take a long drink, letting the cool water glide down my throat. Calming me. I am here. I know that now.
I cannot disappear. I cannot give up.
This happened for a reason. Someday I will understand why. For now, I have to keep going.
I have to believe in myself.
I have to trust in me.
I reach for my phone to connect with him somehow. To ground me in this reality.
I find a message from him.
I’m so sorry about what happened. I promise I’ll be more careful with you, if you’ll let me.
He wants to spend more time with me? I don’t understand it. Not when I embarrassed him. I text him back, even though it’s the middle of the night.
It wasn’t your fault. I’m ok.
Liar, I accuse myself after writing the last part. But I don’t want to be his charity case anymore.
I don’t expect him to respond, but within seconds, he has texted back. A shiver runs through me as I realize that he, too, is awake right now. It makes me feel close to him.
I know you aren’t ok. You don’t have to pretend with me. I want to be the one person you never have to pretend with. Just be yourself.
I read his message over and over. Let the words wash over me to wash the humiliation away. They leave me fresh. Ready to begin again.
His words and my own determination give me the courage to reply.
I won’t pretend. But u can’t pretend either. B honest. Why r u really doing this? Because u feel
But it was too late; the damage was done. I could see it in the tears swimming in her eyes. All I knew was that I made her cry. Her tears pierced my heart.
Holding her hands, standing so close, I never wanted to let go.
I only hope she can forgive me.
ME AGAIN
— Stella —
If I am going back to school on Monday, I need to be caught up. That’s what I tell Mom and Emerson, anyway. I don’t want to tell them about my afternoon. I avoid them with homework. I plow through Spanish and health. Then I escape with Hamlet. Somehow, I can identify with him. His frustration. His disillusionment with the world around him. I find comfort in his words.
O, that this too, too solid flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew!
Or that the Everlasting had not fix’d
His canon ’gainst self-slaughter! O God! God!
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Fie on’t, ah fie! ’tis an unweeded garden
That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature
Possess it merely.
I lie on my bed, reread the passage over and over. Let the language seep into me like rain seeping into parched summer grass.
Seeing Lily and Connor was a neon sign reminding me of what I have lost. I’ve lost everything. They have lost nothing. The accident that cost me my dream has made Lily’s dream come true. It gave her popularity. A boyfriend on the football team. A spot on the varsity cheerleading squad.
I imagine how I must have looked to them—to Hayden—in my silent bubble.
He wanted to get rid of me after that. I really am some kind of charity case.
That last thought bothers me the most. Hayden. More than Connor. More than Lily.
I want to disappear.
I close my eyes, seeking the blackness where I am free.
Suddenly, I am floating. Drifting down, down, down. In a sea of words and confusion, I don’t know who I am. I don’t exist. I am nothing.
The darkness surrounds me. Blankets me. Erases me. Then a hand reaches out. Touches mine. Grasps for me. I take hold. Know this is my chance at survival. My chance to breathe again.
The hand pulls me upward, to the light. I want the light. The hope. I want to breathe again. To be me.
I burst from the water, gasping for air. I am enveloped in strong arms. I am safe. I am me.
I look up and see only blue.
I wake up confused. Disoriented. Sweaty.
I remember everything. My body trembles. I wrap myself in a blanket and reach for the glass beside my bed. Take a long drink, letting the cool water glide down my throat. Calming me. I am here. I know that now.
I cannot disappear. I cannot give up.
This happened for a reason. Someday I will understand why. For now, I have to keep going.
I have to believe in myself.
I have to trust in me.
I reach for my phone to connect with him somehow. To ground me in this reality.
I find a message from him.
I’m so sorry about what happened. I promise I’ll be more careful with you, if you’ll let me.
He wants to spend more time with me? I don’t understand it. Not when I embarrassed him. I text him back, even though it’s the middle of the night.
It wasn’t your fault. I’m ok.
Liar, I accuse myself after writing the last part. But I don’t want to be his charity case anymore.
I don’t expect him to respond, but within seconds, he has texted back. A shiver runs through me as I realize that he, too, is awake right now. It makes me feel close to him.
I know you aren’t ok. You don’t have to pretend with me. I want to be the one person you never have to pretend with. Just be yourself.
I read his message over and over. Let the words wash over me to wash the humiliation away. They leave me fresh. Ready to begin again.
His words and my own determination give me the courage to reply.
I won’t pretend. But u can’t pretend either. B honest. Why r u really doing this? Because u feel
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