Sexy Book of Sexy Sex by Kristen Schaal

trucks have nuts and some men don’t.
FUCKTOID
Did you know Abraham Lincoln was avenged by a eunuch?
Thomas “Boston” Corbett was a sergeant in the Union Army who had castrated himself with a pair of scissors to avoid the sinful temptation of prostitutes. Following Lincoln’s assassination in 1865, Corbett was sent to track down the fugitive John Wilkes Booth. Despite orders to take Booth alive, Corbett shot the deranged actor in the neck because, as he put it, “Providence directed me.”
The moral of the story? You don’t need nuts to be nuts.

Like his portrait, Boston Corbett was cropped below the waist.
    Orgies
    The credit for inventing the ultimate party game goes to the ancient Greeks, who conceived orgies as secret religious rites to honor Dionysus, the god of fertility and wine. Through dancing, drinking, and raucous group sex, worshipers of Dionysus sought to achieve a state of ecstasy in which they were temporarily freed from their earthly bodies. It worked—so well, in fact, that revelers often emerged from their euphoria to find they had torn apart wild animals with their bare hands and eaten the raw flesh. (Let this be a lesson—should you choose to host an orgy, be sure to have snacks!)
    Like Jenga, but with naked people
IF YOU TRAVEL TO INDIA you may encounter hijras, gangs of transgendered buskers who make money by harassing people with dirty songs and dancing (like roving packs of Ru Pauls, without a pesky agent taking 10 percent). Hijras show up uninvited at weddings, births, and shop openings to capitalize on the superstition that hijras curse those who fail to appease them, but bring luck and good fortune to those who do.
WHAT TO DO: If hijras try to ruin your big day, don’t let them! Their whole scam is based on the assumption they can embarrass you into forking over cash. So you have to show that you won’t be humiliated. If it’s your wedding day, pull down your pants and jiggle your junk in front of your new in-laws. If it’s the grand opening of your frozen yogurt counter, start working the cash register with your penis. You may scare off a few customers, but those cross-dressing grifters will be “sari” they ever messed with you!
    In addition to being the spokes deity for fun things like sex and drunkenness, Dionysus was also the god of theater. So it isn’t surprising to learn that Dionysus has been a scathing critic of the orgy scene, as evidenced by his weekly column in the Mount Olympus Times-Picayune:
    I’m “Dion” Over Here! by Dionysus

    Grand Duke Vytenis’s Ascensian Orgy
    Castle of Novgorodok
c.A.D. 1295
Rating:
    [...] Despite a rocky first act, the coronation festivities built to a tantalizing climax as the Grand Duke ordered his three wives to strip and submit themselves to a trio of hill goats. The lead goat, ably played by Land Master i Bruno’s prize short-hair Jasper, did not disappoint, thrusting and heaving his woolly haunches like the great Pan himself. With the moans of the Vytenis women and the clanging of Jasper’s bell building to an orgasmic crescendo, it seemed as though this was going to be a gangbang for the ages. And then … nothing. In some of the worst orgy blocking this reviewer has ever had the misfortune of witnessing, the satisfied goats simply meandered off stage, pausing only briefly to chew the scenery. Herein lay the fatal flaw of the Grand Duke’s latest effort. What’s the point of putting goats in an orgy if you don’t tear them apart and eat them?
    Pope Alexander VI Presents: The Ballet of Chestnuts
    Palace of the Vatican
October 30, 1501
Rating:
    […]Following a procession before the pontiff that lagged like a drunken caterpillar, fifty courtesans danced with the banquet guests, the wenches brightly garbed at first and then not at all. But other than Pope Alexander’s bold choice of venue (and the complementary ruby-encrusted fanny paddle), the whole affair sagged. Sensing his cue, the pope’s bastard son Don Cesare began