“Are you okay?”
“Weird afternoon, I guess.”
She pats the spot next to her, shoving the books aside.
“I am all ears.”
“It’s… well, my mom.”
“What’s the matter?” Paige sits up straighter.
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “She was up. When we got home from the park, she was all like ‘where were you?’ and ‘want meatloaf for dinner?’ I thought I was dreaming or something. How can she act like the last months haven’t happened?”
“Maybe she’s finally woken up.”
“I won’t hold my breath.” It’s out before I know it, and a large lump forms in my throat. Do I really feel that way? Or do I just want to prepare myself in case she checks out again?
“Are you even a little happy about it?”
I shrug. “I’m scared to get my hopes up. Does it really happen in just one day? Suddenly she’s back and acts like none of it ever happened? I just don’t know how to feel about it, or even how I’m supposed to feel.”
“Totally get you,” she says, sliding a few inches on the bed. “She did lose her husband—”
“I lost my dad,” I push out, and suddenly everything I think during my sixty seconds a day spills out. “Does that give me the right to go into myself and ignore everything else because I can’t deal? No. It doesn’t. When you’re an adult and have children you have responsibilities. You can’t just ignore them and hope they’ll be okay. What would have happened to Josh if I hadn’t been there to take care of him? What about our house? The bills, the yard, the dishes, the laundry… seriously, I do everything, and I’m seventeen. I’m a junior in high school and I’m living as if I’m forty-five and have all these responsibilities no one prepared me for. I shouldn’t be dealing with this now, but I am.”
Paige holds her hands up. “I’m on your side. I promise you, I’m with you, I get it, and I’m sorry. I was just trying to say that maybe there’s a difference in the types of love. I’m not trying to minimalize your loss, but have you ever been in love with someone? That love is different, all consuming. How long were your parents together? Twenty years? That’s a long time to be with someone, and when they die even harder to be without them. I’m not sure if normalcy will come back one day and she’ll be okay forever, or if she’ll find a picture or a shoe or something of your dad’s and then check out again. That’s the risk I think when you fall in love with someone.”
“I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t check out if Tyler…” I stop short, my words slamming into my chest hard .
“What was that?” Paige says, eyebrows high on her forehead.
I clear my throat. “I… I was just saying… you have a point. I mean, I’m not in love with Tyler… but…” My voice slips off into oblivion, and my brain balloons, heart thuds, and I can’t stop fidgeting. It feels like I’m sinking, going down with the ship, calling it a day because I’ve fallen completely in love with Tyler, and I don’t know how it happened.
A huge smile breaks out on her face, and before I can tell her no way, I’m not one of those girls I swear she bounces up and down and says, “You’re. In. Love !” She wraps her arms around me and gives me a big hug.
“What? No! Get off me,” I say, wishing my face wasn’t as pink as Pepto Bismol.
She pulls back and looks at me. “Have you told him?”
“No, Paige, I’m not—”
“Or did he tell you?”
“Paige, we’re not—”
“This is so—”
“Paige! It’s too soon .” But as the words slip out I think maybe I’m wrong. Sometimes when he looks at me, I think he wants to tell me something . It couldn’t be that, though. Right?
“I think you should tell him,” she says as we settle back into the pillows.
I growl at her, wanting to pop that grin off her face, but I can’t. Because my stomach is on a skydive, my heart is on a round of bumper cars, and suddenly my brain catches up to
“Weird afternoon, I guess.”
She pats the spot next to her, shoving the books aside.
“I am all ears.”
“It’s… well, my mom.”
“What’s the matter?” Paige sits up straighter.
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “She was up. When we got home from the park, she was all like ‘where were you?’ and ‘want meatloaf for dinner?’ I thought I was dreaming or something. How can she act like the last months haven’t happened?”
“Maybe she’s finally woken up.”
“I won’t hold my breath.” It’s out before I know it, and a large lump forms in my throat. Do I really feel that way? Or do I just want to prepare myself in case she checks out again?
“Are you even a little happy about it?”
I shrug. “I’m scared to get my hopes up. Does it really happen in just one day? Suddenly she’s back and acts like none of it ever happened? I just don’t know how to feel about it, or even how I’m supposed to feel.”
“Totally get you,” she says, sliding a few inches on the bed. “She did lose her husband—”
“I lost my dad,” I push out, and suddenly everything I think during my sixty seconds a day spills out. “Does that give me the right to go into myself and ignore everything else because I can’t deal? No. It doesn’t. When you’re an adult and have children you have responsibilities. You can’t just ignore them and hope they’ll be okay. What would have happened to Josh if I hadn’t been there to take care of him? What about our house? The bills, the yard, the dishes, the laundry… seriously, I do everything, and I’m seventeen. I’m a junior in high school and I’m living as if I’m forty-five and have all these responsibilities no one prepared me for. I shouldn’t be dealing with this now, but I am.”
Paige holds her hands up. “I’m on your side. I promise you, I’m with you, I get it, and I’m sorry. I was just trying to say that maybe there’s a difference in the types of love. I’m not trying to minimalize your loss, but have you ever been in love with someone? That love is different, all consuming. How long were your parents together? Twenty years? That’s a long time to be with someone, and when they die even harder to be without them. I’m not sure if normalcy will come back one day and she’ll be okay forever, or if she’ll find a picture or a shoe or something of your dad’s and then check out again. That’s the risk I think when you fall in love with someone.”
“I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t check out if Tyler…” I stop short, my words slamming into my chest hard .
“What was that?” Paige says, eyebrows high on her forehead.
I clear my throat. “I… I was just saying… you have a point. I mean, I’m not in love with Tyler… but…” My voice slips off into oblivion, and my brain balloons, heart thuds, and I can’t stop fidgeting. It feels like I’m sinking, going down with the ship, calling it a day because I’ve fallen completely in love with Tyler, and I don’t know how it happened.
A huge smile breaks out on her face, and before I can tell her no way, I’m not one of those girls I swear she bounces up and down and says, “You’re. In. Love !” She wraps her arms around me and gives me a big hug.
“What? No! Get off me,” I say, wishing my face wasn’t as pink as Pepto Bismol.
She pulls back and looks at me. “Have you told him?”
“No, Paige, I’m not—”
“Or did he tell you?”
“Paige, we’re not—”
“This is so—”
“Paige! It’s too soon .” But as the words slip out I think maybe I’m wrong. Sometimes when he looks at me, I think he wants to tell me something . It couldn’t be that, though. Right?
“I think you should tell him,” she says as we settle back into the pillows.
I growl at her, wanting to pop that grin off her face, but I can’t. Because my stomach is on a skydive, my heart is on a round of bumper cars, and suddenly my brain catches up to
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