Searching for Beautiful by Nyrae Dawn

back of the building. I count my steps, forty-eight of them, until I stop in front of him.
    “I miss you.” He reaches out to touch my hair, but I jerk my head back.
    “No, you don’t.” Anger burns through me, singeing the palm of my hand, making me wish I had the courage to slap him . He’s a liar. Nothing out of his mouth is ever the truth. “You just called me—you were an asshole. And now you miss me?”
    Jason’s arm falls to his side. He ignores my question. “Is your dad still freaking out about me? Does he still talk about me and stuff?”
    “No. He’s over it. We’re both over it. We never even think about you.”
    Jason frowns at that. “Well, I think about you.”
    “Oh, God.” I shake my head. “I can’t believe you just said that.” How did I fall for him so easily before? I think it was hope again. Hope that what he said could be real and that he could love me. “You can’t trick my anymore.”
    He studies me for a second, chewing on his bottom lip. “That sounds like a challenge.”
    My heart speeds up. “It’s not. Like I said, I’m over you. You’d better leave me alone or I’ll tell someone. You’ll get in trouble for talking to me.”
    Jason rolls his eyes. “No, you won’t. If you wanted to tell someone, you would have done it when I called. If you didn’t want to see me, you wouldn’t have come over here.”
    The shell I tried to build around myself starts to crumble.
    “You’ve always been like that. You pretend you don’t want something when you do so you can play nice little Brynn. I see you, though, Red. I always have. You miss me. Even if you hate yourself for it, you miss me.” There’s a calm, almost angry edge to his voice.
    My eyes squeeze shut when Jason reaches out, pushing my hair behind my ear. By the time I open them again, he’s rounding the corner.
    My stomach cramps and I lean against the wall. There’s something wrong with me. There has to be, because some of what he said was true. And the fact that I have no idea who the man is who just walked away from me. I have no idea who I am, for that matter. Maybe I don’t know anyone.
    I pause at the trash can on the way back to my car. A second later I throw the gummy bears inside.

Chapter Nineteen
    Early October
    Now
    Glancing at the speedometer, I see the needle edge closer and closer to 105 miles per hour. When something scary or exciting happens, people always say their hearts raced. I’ve said my heart has raced, but it’s not been anything compared to the rapid-fire rounds it’s shooting off right now. So fast I can’t even count the beats. So fast I can’t catch my breath. Jason’s always liked to drive fast. His car is his prized possession, but this is beyond fast. This is a death wish.
    “Jason…” I manage to squeak out, but nothing else emerges.
    Obviously he knows what I want because he says, “Relax, Red. I know what I’m doing. Let loose a little, huh?”
    I nod, trying to do what he says, but I can’t help clutching the armrest. That’s one of the things I love most about Jason. He knows how to have fun. He likes to have fun with me, and if I can just make myself chill out and enjoy the way his car speeds around each turn, I’ll have fun, too.
    Closing my eyes, I try to concentrate on my heart rate, willing it to slow down. Willing myself not to have a stupid heart attack. Jason’s dad taught him to drive and according to him, his dad’s a great driver. It’s the one thing they’ve always had in common…fast cars.
    When a scream breaks through the car, I twist, a gasp caught in my throat when I see a baby in the backseat. Never, ever mention your heart can’t beat faster, because it can.
    “Jason! Stop, slow down! There’s a baby in the backseat!” My hands beg to grab him, to jerk him until he listens to me, but I know I can’t. That will just make us wreck.
    “Chill out. We’re fine. I told you, I know what I’m doing. The little guy likes it, don’t you?”