Searching for Beautiful by Nyrae Dawn Page A

He looks into the backseat, at who I know is our baby.
    “Watch where you’re going!” I yell. Please make him stop. Please don’t let us crash. Please, please, please. It’s all I can think. I’m a mom; I’m supposed to protect my child. That’s what Mom always did with me. I don’t want to let her or my baby down.
    Jason laughs. “You’re so funny, Red. Always freaking out. I got it under control.” His eyes rest on me and still not on the road.
    Our baby cries again, and my frantic stare shifts to the perfect little boy strapped in the car seat. We shouldn’t be here. I should be taking care of him better than this.
    “Look, Brynn. No hands.” Jason laughs again, lifting his palms from the steering wheel.
    Nausea assaults me. “Stop. It’s not funny!”
    “Oh, shit!” Jason shouts, grabbing the wheel and wrenching it to the left. I look up. It’s too late. We’re too late.
    I scream as our car slams into a tree.
    My eyes pop open. I gasp, then do it again, still not able to catch my breath. Part of me knows I’m in bed, but I can’t stop my eyes from darting around the room. From looking behind me to make sure there’s not a baby here. A little boy. I don’t know why, but I’d always thought it would be a girl.
    I wobble as I get out of bed. I don’t feel like walking, but there’s no way I can lie back down. After that dream, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to sleep again.
    Trying to find my legs, I pace around the room, the dream playing on repeat in my head. I used to hate it when Jason drove fast, but he’d never gone that fast in the car with me. It was one of his many stupid hobbies. Guys, their fast cars and all that, but what if he had tried to go that fast with me? Would I have been strong enough to tell him no? Would he have laughed at me like Dream Jason did? I want to think no…that I wouldn’t have been with a guy capable of that kind of cruelty, but he showed me just how cruel he could be, didn’t he?
    In this moment, I somehow hate him more than I ever have.
    And I want to find a way to evict him from my life…from my head.
    “Ugh!” I kick my bed. Mature, I know, but it’s all I can think to do. Hoping it’s not raining outside, I slip on my bunny slippers, put my coat on over my pajamas, and sneak out my bedroom door.
    I didn’t take the time to look at the clock, but I know it’s late…or early, I should say. Maybe three or four in the morning. I can’t help but wonder if Dad will be pissed if he finds out I’m going outside at this time of night.
    I can’t stay, though, can’t find a way to breathe inside, and I miss my haven. I miss my pottery and clay. Miss making something out of nothing. Having something that’s mine. Mom might have worked to give it to me, but still, pottery has always been mine.
    Almost more than I want to forget about Jason, I want that back.
    Quietly, I slip out our back door. I’m just at the door to my pottery room when I freeze.
    A shuffle sounds from over the fence. Do I want it to be Christian or not? We haven’t talked since that day in the hall a few weeks ago. I should have apologized a long time ago, but I’m not sure how to go about it.
    It’s easier not to talk to him at school because he’s always with my old friends, but it’s harder at the center. There all I do is visit with Emery or have my lame weekly sessions with Valerie. Emery and I never really talk about anything important, which is nice. Valerie is always poking and prodding.
    My instincts scream at me to keep walking. To open this door, walk in, and close it behind me. I don’t need him or anyone else. I don’t trust him or anyone else.
    A little flash of that stupid speedometer zips into my head.
    My hand twists the knob, but then I stop, for some reason, just needing to know. A nightmare brought me out at this time of night and I wonder what would bring Christian out.
    Trying to be all inconspicuous, I glance over my shoulder, toward the house on the