Sarah's Surrender (Novella) by Lavinia Kent Page B

had been ruined, we would have lost what little we did have. My mother lived for the great marriage she believed I would make. It would have killed her if that had become impossible. It has nearly killed her watching me avoid having a single suitor after you. And if I had slept with you, do you think I could then have gone to another man and not told him? Oh, I know that is what I am ready to do with Mr. Meyers, but that is a far different situation.”
    “Why is that so different?” He truly wanted to know, to understand.
    “I was saving that for the end, but…I am selling myself to him. Or perhaps I should say that Papa is selling me. His debts are great and we are about to lose the house, and every bit of property we have. I admit I couldn’t care less if Papa is left penniless, but I cannot do that to my mother. She has had enough hard years because of him. And yes, I admit I am selfish. I do not want to be begging on the streets because I cannot find employment as a companion. I have no dear relative to pretend to need my services. What am I supposed to do? Do you think I can survive selling oranges? Or would it be better to sell myself to many men rather than to one?”
    “I cannot believe…”
    She raised her face and he could see the tracks of tears had dried; now she was simply bitter. “It does not matter what you believe. The bill collectors will not let us be simply because you do not believe.”
    “Sarah.” Her words spun about his head. How had he never considered what it truly was he asked of her? He had a brief moment of righteous anger. She should have known that he would always take care of her. If there had been a child he would have married her in an instant. Hell, he’d intended to marry her anyway. It had only been his surprise at her refusal that had set everything off kilter. “You know I always planned to marry you afterward. I just needed to know that you loved me and not my fortune, that you would take me, have me, without it.”
    “And I thought this evening could not get worse.” There was no anger in her voice.
    —
    How was she supposed to feel? Sarah knew Jonathan thought she should be happy at his revelation. He had planned to marry her. Why did that make it so much worse? Not that she thought she should have sallied on and passed his test. No, her choices had been sound, had been the only choices possible. “You really did see it as a test. Only it was a test I truly could never have passed. You set me up to fail.”
    “That was not my intention.”
    “I do believe that, but it does not matter.”
    He leaned toward her. “How can you say it does not matter?”
    That was an easy one to answer. “How can you say it does? What do your intentions change?”
    Abruptly he sat back. “It could change how you feel about this night.”
    Could it? “I don’t think so. I know this night was a mistake—and yet I do not regret it, not completely. I wish I did not know everything that I know now, wish I did not know that if I had been selfish that night five years ago I might be sitting in a townhouse in Mayfair, wish I did not know that if I had chosen differently, then I would never have to worry that my mother cannot buy the bonnet she wishes, and I wish I did not know that you were never the man of my dreams.”
    Well, that silenced him.
    His head bent and then rose, his eyes meeting hers and holding. “Was I ever the man of your dreams, truly?”
    “I thought you were.”
    “Then why did you not have more faith in me?”
    Was he mad? “You told me not to.”
    “And you could not see that I was a frightened boy of twenty-two, a boy who had suddenly been given the world and was afraid of losing it? I had always been the younger son, the extra, the just in case, and suddenly I had a fortune, as much as my brother. I was on top of the world and scared to death.”
    She stopped. She simply stopped. Had he been frightened? Had she not seen it? His inheritance had changed nothing